Lisa notes

I am sitting across from an acquaintance at the restaurant. We’ve almost made it through lunch. But now she is dipping into dangerous conversational territory.

I can’t decide what to do: do I explain why I think differently than her, or do I just nod my head and let it go?

At this moment, I still feel like the logical one and I view her as the irrational one.

But in a different situation (and maybe from her perspective in this one?), it can easily be reversed.

So this book can apply to all of us at one time or another: Talking to “Crazy”: How to Deal with the Irrational and Impossible People in Your Life by Mark Goulston.

All of us are irrational and impossible at times.

But when it’s your turn to be sane and the other person seems off-balance, try some practical advice from this book.

Here are 12 statements or questions from Talking to “Crazy” to help you defuse a situation.

1. “Say more about that.”
2. “Yes, I see.”
3. “What’s the worst thing for you right now?”
4. “Hmmm.”
5. “Okay.”
6. “Really?”
7. “What else scares you right now?”
8. “Tell me what you need me to say or do to make the situation better for you.”
9. “What would it take to make this right?”
10. “What do I need to do right now?”
11. “What is the critical thing I need to do in the short term?”
12. “What is the most important thing I need to do in the long term?”

For defusing the potential bomb at my lunch table that afternoon, I instinctively went for #5.

It wasn’t aggressive. It didn’t imply agreement (or disagreement). It simply allowed enough breathing space for the discussion to fade out on its own, without my provocatively ramping it higher.

In other words, it worked.

But the next time, when it’s me that is irrational, maybe I can hand this list of statements to my companion, and they can help me return safely to sanity, too.

More Quotes from Talking to “Crazy”

“The crux is this: You can’t be sincerely empathic toward and angry with someone at the same moment.”

~ * ~

“The emotion that most often lies at the core of anger and venting isn’t hatred or repulsion. It’s disappointment. However, people rarely use that word. Instead, they use horrible, hateful words that they don’t really mean.”

~ * ~

“This simple question—What’s the worst thing for you right now?—can be life altering because it makes people feel less alone. Pain is pain. But suffering is feeling alone in pain.”

~ * ~

“The best antidote to woulda, coulda, shoulda but didn’t is ask, listen, and listen some more.”

~ * ~

“The first step in finding the sane inside the crazy is to believe it’s there.”

---

Which of the above 12 statements/questions do you use most often to turn down the heat? Share in the comments. 

You are on Day #9 of the series, A Book a Day {Nonfiction Favorites}.

Each day of February 2023 I’m recommending one book a day from favorite nonfiction books I’ve recently read.

The Table of Contents for all 28 books is here, updated daily.

Previous:
“The Dance of Connection” {Book 8}

Next:
“Someday Is Today” {Book 10}

“We need words to begin to heal betrayals, inequalities, and ruptured connections.”
– Harriet Lerner

Is there an author you’d like to talk with over dinner?

Because I’ve experienced how tricky our relationships can be, I’d love to sit at my kitchen table for hours with Harriet Lerner, asking her questions and listening to her wisdom about sticky relationship issues.

Her book, The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You’re Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate, was published over 20 years ago, but it’s just as relevant today as when she wrote it. In it, Lerner role-plays multiple conversations, guiding us through minefields that have surely plagued us all, especially in the past few years.

Without meaningful conversations, relationships can’t grow. But if we can learn to better see and be seen in our relationships, we can each be more loving versions of ourselves.

Lerner encourages us to use our voice and presence to connect with other people, regardless of our differences.

Here are four pieces of wise relationship advice from The Dance of Connection.

1. Be more supportive to persons in distress by simply letting them know you care about them—be emotionally present without pulling back from their pain and without trying to take it away.

2. Never criticize a person who is criticizing you. There may be a time to bring up your own grievances, but that time is not when the other person has taken the initiative to voice her own complaints.

3. A pure apology does not ask the other person to do anything—not even to forgive.

4. When the other person is already in an avoidant mode or heavily defended, you have to lower the intensity—not raise it—if you hope to begin a conversation.

More Quotes from The Dance of Connection

“When speaking to any hot issue with a family member, we should stay focused on what we want to say about ourselves, rather than on eliciting a particular response from the other person.”

~ * ~

“I believe that whenever we diminish and disregard another person, we also diminish our own self.”

~ * ~

“When people suffer, they often suffer twice, first because they have lived through something painful, and second, because family members or close friends either don’t want to hear about it or don’t communicate a wish to hear about all of it.”

~ * ~

“We all need to step back from any problem and view it through a wide-angle lens.”

---

How hard is it for you to have difficult conversations? I do not like them. But if I think they’ll make things better, I prefer to engage so we can move forward. Share your thoughts in the comments.

You are on Day #8 of the series, A Book a Day {Nonfiction Favorites}.

Each day of February 2023 I’m recommending one book a day from favorite nonfiction books I’ve read recently.

The Table of Contents for all 28 books is here, updated daily.

Previous:
“Curveball” {Book 7}

Next:
“Talking to Crazy” {Book 9}

When it comes to your faith, can you ignore your experiences?

Pete Enns had a promising future in professional baseball…until life sent him the curveball of a blown elbow. Now what?

The experience changed the trajectory of his life. And eventually his faith.

“I thought God behaved a certain way. I found out God doesn’t. So, now what would I do? What did I think about God? That question was no longer academic. It would shape my journey of faith for the rest of my life, for other blown elbows would come.”

We each step into life with a somewhat inherited view of God. In the beginning, our beliefs about God come from what our parents or early teachers tell us about God. We then learn from others. And we continue to learn from what we read and understand ourselves.

But we also learn about God through our experiences.

Our experiences can’t be discounted. They are valuable learning tools. 

As Pete discovered,

“I came to understand that my understanding of God was not adequate for handling reality. My crushed dream was an invitation—actually, an offer I couldn’t refuse—to recognize that I had been laboring under a small view of God.”

As we mature, our understanding of God matures with us.

In Pete’s new book Curveball: When Your Faith Takes Turns You Never Saw Coming (or How I Stumbled and Tripped My Way to Finding a Bigger God), he encourages us to not fear adjusting our views of God. He doesn’t direct us how to do it or in which direction to go, but he reassures us it is normal and healthy thing to do.

“Our job is to try to be willing to stay awake to what our experiences are telling us about this better God and to make adjustments when necessary.”

We’ll never totally understand God, but by staying awake to God’s presence in our everyday lives, we can continue moving forward in God’s love.

More Quotes from Curveball

“How we understand God has ramifications for how we treat others.”

~ * ~

“Wrestling with God may leave us limping, but it transforms our understanding of who God is. We see God better after the struggle.”

~ * ~

“Seeing God in the messy humanity of others and not despite it has been for me a radically challenging notion about God. It makes it all so . . . messy.”

~ * ~

“These four things—scripture, tradition, reason, and experience—work together.”

~ * ~

“When we show love to one another, a lot changes.”

~ * ~

“In my own life, I have been surprised so often by who reflects the love of God to me that I’ve stopped being surprised.”

---

This book won’t be for everyone. Pete goes into a lot of scientific stuff about the expansiveness of the universe, etc. I got lost in a few places. But as with all books, I take what it helpful, and leave what is not.

Has an experience in your life updated your view of God? Share in the comments.

My thanks to NetGalley + HarperOne
for the review copy of Curveball

You are on Day #7 of the series, A Book a Day {Nonfiction Favorites}.

Each day of February 2023 I’ll be recommending one book a day from my favorite nonfiction books.

The Table of Contents for all 28 books is here, updated daily.

Previous:
“Atlas of the Heart” {Book 6}

Next:
“The Dance of Connection” {Book 8}

Have you read any Brené Brown books? Three of my favorites are Daring Greatly, The Gifts of Imperfection, and Braving the Wilderness. They’re all great in my opinion.

But her latest book, Atlas of the Heart, is a little different. Yet still wonderful. 

While Atlas of the Heart contains signature stories and insights like Brené’s other books, this one has the vibe and beauty of a coffee table reference book.

In it, Brené Brown maps out 87 emotions that we all experience (thus the title, Atlas of the Heart).

For example, how do you differentiate between envy and jealousy? Between wonder and awe? Between curiosity and interest?

The way we label our emotions can influence how we experience our lives.

My book club is currently reading through the Robin Reads Workbook for Atlas of the Heart. It’s great as a stand-alone book itself if you want to read just it (it’s also much shorter and cheaper than Atlas of the Heart). The workbook is providing lots of great questions and stirring up some interesting conversations in our group.

Here are some sample questions from the workbook—based on the actual book—to consider for yourself or to talk over with a friend:

1. Have you ever chosen not to take a risk to avoid disappointment?

2. Can you think of a time when you felt overwhelmed? How did you cope (or not cope) with this feeling?

3. When was the last time you felt awe or wonder?

4. Can you think of a time when you feel especially resentful toward someone?

5. Does learning about vulnerability as courage change your opinion on it?

The greater your ability to talk about your emotions, the greater your courage in wholehearted living.

Quotes from Atlas of the Heart

“The brokenhearted are the bravest among us—they dared to love.”

~ * ~

“Empathy is a tool of compassion. We can respond empathically only if we are willing to be present to someone’s pain.”

~ * ~

“Where perfectionism exists, shame is always lurking.”

~ * ~

“I’m not sure there’s a braver sentence in the human catalog of brave sentences than ‘My feelings are hurt.’ It’s simple, vulnerable, and honest. But we don’t say it very often.”

~ * ~

“Choosing to be curious is choosing to be vulnerable because it requires us to surrender to uncertainty.”

~ * ~

“Connection is the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued.”

---

Do you have a favorite Brené Brown book? Have you read Atlas of the Heart? Share your thoughts in the comments.

You are on Day #6 of the series, A Book a Day {Nonfiction Favorites}.

Each day of February 2023 I’ll be recommending one book a day from my favorite nonfiction books.

The Table of Contents for all 28 books is here, updated daily.

Subscribe here to get the recommendations via email (if you don’t already subscribe to the blog).

Previous:
“Tomorrow Will Be Different” {Book 5}

Next:
“Curveball” {Book 7}

Do you know a transgender person?

In her book, Tomorrow Will Be Different, Sarah McBride quotes activist Faye Seidler as saying that according to some polls, more Americans said they had seen a ghost than knew a transgender person.

We often fear what we don’t know or haven’t seen.

If you read Sarah McBride’s story, you will feel you know her. (Sarah is now a member of the Delaware Senate, making her the first openly transgender state senator in the country.)

I was amazed at the vulnerability with which Sarah shares in her book. And I was inspired by her courage and tenacity. Sarah is working to make the world a more equitable place for all human beings.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a ghost, but a few of my friends are transgender and non-binary people. They matter to me. They deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.

Don’t we all?

“None of us know how long we have, but we do have a choice in whether we love or hate.”
– Sarah McBride

More Quotes from Tomorrow Will Be Different

“Each of us has a deep and profound desire to be seen, to be acknowledged, and to be respected in our totality. There is a unique kind of pain in being unseen.”

~ * ~

“Transgender people shouldn’t be treated with dignity because of how some of us look; we should be treated with dignity because we are human beings.”

~ * ~

“If our pursuit of equality is built on the ability of some of us to blend in, then we will leave many of the most marginalized behind.”

~ * ~

“Our empathy should require us to acknowledge the plight of others in both its similarities to ours and in its differences.”

---

You are on Day #5 of the series, A Book a Day {Nonfiction Favorites}.

Each day of February 2023 I’ll be recommending one book a day from my favorite nonfiction books.

The Table of Contents for all 28 books is here, updated daily.

Previous:
“Bittersweet” {Book 4}

Next:
“Atlas of the Heart” {Book 6}

Do you ever feel sad and happy at the same time? Enjoy a rainy day? Feel comforted by a sad song?

Then you can relate to this book by Susan Cain, Bittersweet: How Sorrow and Longing Make Us Whole.

Cain defines bittersweet as:

“a tendency to states of longing, poignancy, and sorrow; an acute awareness of passing time; and a curiously piercing joy at the beauty of the world. The bittersweet is also about the recognition that light and dark, birth and death—bitter and sweet—are forever paired.”

We recognize bittersweet moments when we watch our young children play, knowing they won’t be little for long. Or when we laugh and cry with family members at a loved one’s funeral, the mixture of sweet and bitter.

We also understand this hard truth about bittersweetness:

“The place you suffer is the place you care. You hurt because you care. Therefore, the best response to pain is to dive deeper into your caring. Which is exactly the opposite of what most of us want to do.”

Embracing ALL of our emotions—the easy ones as well as the hard ones—makes us a whole-hearted person.

Susan Cain says: Investigate the bitter. Commit to the sweet.

More Quotes from Bittersweet

“We’re built to live simultaneously in love and loss, bitter and sweet.”

~ * ~

“No matter how much your culture tells you to smile, it’s not human to simply move on. But this doesn’t mean that we can’t move forward.”

~ * ~

“If we could honor sadness a little more, maybe we could see it—rather than enforced smiles and righteous outrage—as the bridge we need to connect with each other.”

~ * ~

“It’s not that pain equals art. It’s that creativity has the power to look pain in the eye, and to decide to turn it into something better.”

~ * ~

“Everything that you love, you will eventually lose. But in the end, love will return in a different form.”

---

Have you read Susan Cain’s Bittersweet or her popular book about introversion, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking? Share your thoughts in the comments.

You are on Day #4 of the series, A Book a Day {Nonfiction Favorites}.

Each day of February 2023 I’ll be recommending one book a day from my favorite nonfiction books.

The Table of Contents for all 28 books is here, updated daily.

Subscribe here to get the recommendations via email (if you don’t already subscribe to the blog).

Previous:
“Do the Work” {Book 3}

Next:
“Tomorrow Will Be Different” {Book 5}