Lisa notes

“When you choose to be a friend, you choose to show up.”
– Marisa G. Franco

Eating our breadsticks at Olive Garden yesterday, my friend Kay and I talked about our friendship through the years.

We acknowledge our ups and downs. But we’ve made it work. Through changes and conversations and commitment, we’ve built a strong relationship. I’m grateful Kay consistently shows up for me. 

Did our attachment styles also play a role in keeping our friendship strong?

We’re both new to learning about attachment styles, so we can’t say for sure. (But I can say for sure we’ll talk more about it. It’s the kind of conversation we love.)

Do you know your attachment style?

In this new book by Dr. Marisa G. Franco, Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make—and Keep—Friends, you’ll learn more about the three attachment styles.

The attachment styles are:

• SECURE ATTACHMENT
  Secure people assume they are worthy of love, and others can be trusted to give it to them, leading them to give others the benefit of the doubt, open up, ask for what they need, support others, assume others like them, and achieve intimacy.
• ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT
  People who are anxiously attached assume others will abandon them, so they act clingily, are overly self-sacrificing to accommodate others, or plunge into intimacy too rapidly.
• AVOIDANCE ATTACHMENT
  Avoidantly attached people are similarly afraid of abandonment, but instead of clinging, they keep others at a distance, eschew vulnerability, and leave relationships prematurely.

In other words, the rich get richer in friendships, at least when it pertains to attachment styles. Because when we feel accepted and loved (secure attachment style), we develop qualities that lead us to continue to connect better.

“Assuming the best sets secure people up to receive the best.”

But when we’re anxious or avoidant, we may self-sabotage our friendships in harmful ways.

I was surprised by the depth of this book about friendships, including chapters on initiative, vulnerability, authenticity, anger, etc.

You’ll find lots of practical advice here based on scientific data (yet easy to understand) about making and keeping friends.

“The crux of these theories is that people like people who like them.”

And don’t we all need strong friendships?

“Out of 106 factors that influence depression, having a confidante is the most powerful. Loneliness is more fatal than a poor diet or lack of exercise, as corrosive as smoking fifteen cigarettes a day.”

Quotes from Platonic 

“One study found the most pronounced difference between happy and unhappy people was not how attractive or religious they were or how many good things happened to them. It was their level of social connection.”

~ * ~

“If someone has a history of being rejecting in your moments of need, don’t assume they’ll change. Don’t look for water in an empty well. Your vulnerability is too precious for that.”

~ * ~

“If we can’t tolerate sadness, we may avoid friends who need support. If we can’t tolerate tension, we may withdraw from friends instead of addressing problems.”

~ * ~

“Studies have found that expressing anger is more likely to benefit a relationship than destroy it. . . . Addressing your hurts makes the friendship better.”

~ * ~

“Not every friend has to be a best friend. Maybe we expect less from them, share less of ourselves, and compartmentalize the friendship to what feels most fulfilling about it.”

~ * ~

“The more contacts we have, one study found, the less time we spend with each one. The larger our network, the weaker our relationships tend to be. If we try to invest in everyone, we may end up investing in no one. We first need to figure out who our friends are.”

~ * ~

“What is the distinguishing quality of the super friends? It’s security.”

Did all your friendships survive the pandemic? Share your thoughts in the comments.

You are on Day #23 of the series, A Book a Day {Nonfiction Favorites}.

Each day of February 2023 I’m recommending one book a day from favorite nonfiction books I’ve recently read.

The Table of Contents for all 28 books is here, updated daily.

Previous:
“Nonviolent Communication” {Book 22}

Next:
“The Fire Next Time” {Book 24}

We often know what we want in a relationship.

But do we think about what we need from another person?

And even if can identify a need, do we know how to communicate that need?

“Most of us grew up speaking a language that encourages us to label, compare, demand, and pronounce judgments rather than to be aware of what we are feeling and needing.”
– Dr. Marshall Rosenberg

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life is a wonderful book to help us trade in our harmful communication patterns for healthy ones.

Instead of defending, withdrawing, and attacking, use observing, identifying, and articulating.

“No matter what else is going on, we all have the same needs. Needs are universal.”

Author and psychologist, mediator, and teacher Marshall Rosenberg (1934-2015) also wants us to differentiate between our feelings and our thoughts. We often confuse statements of “I feel…” and “I think…” to our detriment.

Why does it matter?

Because Dr. Rosenberg says that articulating what we feel (not just what we think) is one of the first steps to identifying what we need.

“The objective of nonviolent communication is not to change people and their behavior in order to get our way; it is to establish relationships based on honesty and empathy that will eventually fulfill everyone’s needs.”

It may sound easy, but anybody in a relationship can attest that communication between any two people can be tricky.

We all have room for improvement.

This book is a great place to start.

“When we listen for feelings and needs, we no longer see people as monsters.”

Quotes from Nonviolent Communication 

“Connect your feeling with your need: ‘I feel…because I need…'”

~ * ~

“Expressing our vulnerability can help resolve conflicts.”

~ * ~

“What others do may be the stimulus of our feelings, but not the cause.”

~ * ~

“Use positive language when making requests. [You can’t do a don’t.]”

~ * ~

“Listen to what people are needing rather than what they are thinking. . . . You’ll find people to be less threatening if you hear what they’re needing rather than what they’re thinking about you.”

~ * ~

“Focus on what we want to do rather than what went wrong.”

What do you most need from a relationship? Share your thoughts in the comments.

You are on Day #22 of the series, A Book a Day {Nonfiction Favorites}.

The Table of Contents for all 28 books is here, updated daily.

Previous:
“How to Human” {Book 21}

Next:
“Platonic” {Book 23}

Jeff and I saw this monument “Guns into Plowshares” in Harrisonburg, Virginia, on our way to Washington, D.C. last fall. It’s a large plow blade made in 1995 by Mennonite artist Esther Augsburger and her son Michael from 3,000 confiscated guns collected by the D.C. police department in an amnesty program.

It was moved from Washington, D.C., to Eastern Mennonite University in 2017, where it now resides.

I’m not anti-gun. I’m married to a hunter. We have guns in our house, safely secured.

But I am also pro-common sense gun laws.

And we don’t have enough of these, especially in my state of Alabama.

Our gun safety laws are among the worst in the nation.

So it’s not surprising that Alabama is #5 in the nation for firearm death rates (as of 2021 statistics), behind only Mississippi, Louisiana, New Mexico and Wyoming. Our gun homicide rate now even outpaces our suicide rate. (In most states, gun suicides are greater than gun homicides.)

We have been better at protecting guns than protecting people.
– Shane Claiborne

Gun violence disturbs all of us.

This book, Beating Guns: Hope for People Who Are Weary of Violence by Shane Claiborne and Michael Martin, shows how gun violence is both a heart problem AND a gun problem.

There is a way to slow down our gun violence problem in America. But are we willing to take it?

Claiborne and Martin write from a Christian perspective in this book, but you don’t have to be a Christian to benefit from the truths they share.

“Some will say, ‘All we can do is pray.’ That’s a lie.
We can pray, and we must pray. Gun violence is spiritual.
But we can do more than pray. We can organize. We can dialogue. We can boycott and keep vigil. We can write letters and make phone calls and go to jail for nonviolent civil disobedience. Gun violence is social and political and economic; it is also a moral issue.”

Beating Guns is full of statistics that reveal just how extensive our problem has been for many years.

• America has as many guns as people.
• More Americans have died from guns in the last 50 years than in all the wars we’ve been in.
• Americans own almost half the world’s guns, yet we are less than 5% of the world’s population.
• America’s biggest gun problem is suicide.

I recommend Beating Guns to anybody concerned about gun violence and wanting to make a change.

I also recommend joining or donating to your local chapter of Moms Demand Action, a non-partisan grassroots organization for all women and all men dedicated to ending gun violence.

Quotes from 

“The Golden Rule—do to others what you would have them do to you—is a greater commandment than the Second Amendment.”

~ * ~

“A gun is much more likely to be used in a suicide, a domestic homicide, or an accidental shooting than it is to be used to ward off a criminal.”

~ * ~

“The Jesus I worship carried a cross. Jesus did not tell us to kill our enemies; he told us to love them.”

~ * ~

“When Jesus said to love your enemies, isn’t it safe to assume he meant that we shouldn’t kill them?”

~ * ~

“We have been better at protecting guns than protecting people.”

~ * ~

“Every human is created in the image of God. We have love in our DNA. There is something in almost every person that recognizes that killing is wrong.”

If you also have guns in your homes, make sure they are safely secured. Did you know that 4.6 million American children live in homes with guns that are both loaded and unlocked? Get great advice here on how to safely store your firearms.

Have you lost anyone to gun violence, either homicide or suicide? Share your thoughts in the comments. 

You are on Day #20 of the series, A Book a Day {Nonfiction Favorites}.

Each day of February 2023 I’m recommending one book a day from favorite nonfiction books I’ve recently read.

The Table of Contents for all 28 books is here, updated daily.

Previous:
“Stories I Only Tell My Friends” {Book 19}

Next:
“How to Human” {Book 21}