Lisa notes

Want a seven-day prescription for a better relationship?

I wish it were that easy.

However, even though these seven action steps by the infamous Gottmans aren’t guarantees, they are plenty to make a shift in the right direction.

John and Julie Gottman have compiled extensive scientific data on what makes relationships work in this book, The Love Prescription: Seven Days to More Intimacy, Connection, and Joy.

They start with advising you to accept your partner’s bid for attention. A bid is when one partner says something like, “Wow—look at that bird!” The other partner can respond to this bid in one of three ways:

(1) Turn away – ignore them and say nothing

(2) Turn against – make a hostile response like, “Stop interrupting me.”

(3) Turn toward – say, “That’s amazing! Such beautiful colors.”

The Gottmans found in healthy relationships, partners use turn toward (3) their partners’ bids for attention 86% of the time. But in unhealthy couples, only 33% of the time.

So Day 1 of their prescription begins with toward moves. Here are all seven days from The Love Prescription.

Day 1: Make Contact
Day 2: Ask a Big Question
Day 3: Say Thank You
Day 4: Give a Real Compliment
Day 5: Ask for What You Need
Day 6: Reach Out and Touch
Day 7: Declare a Date Night

The advice is nothing magic, nothing expensive, nothing particularly time-consuming.

Yet if followed, what a difference it might make!

The Gottmans are also widely known for predicting the end of a relationship based on the frequency of these four communication styles: (1) criticism, (2) contempt, (3) defensiveness, and (4) stonewalling.

Quotes from The Love Prescription

“Small things often.”

~ * ~

“The best relationships aren’t built on partners mostly telling each other what’s wrong. They’re built on partners mostly telling each other what’s right.”

~ * ~

“Have a 10-minute check-in during which both partners ask, ‘Is there anything you need from me today?'”

~ * ~

“What turning towards really does is put money in a couple’s emotional bank account.”

~ * ~

“Anyone can surprise you if you give them the opportunity to do so.”

~ * ~

“Love is worth it.”

Which of the 7 pieces of advice could you try today: Day 1: Make Contact, Day 2: Ask a Big Question, Day 3: Say Thank You, Day 4: Give a Real Compliment, Day 5: Ask for What You Need, Day 6: Reach Out and Touch, Day 7: Declare a Date Night?

Share your thoughts in the comments.

Today is the final day of the 28 day series, A Book a Day {Nonfiction Favorites}. 

See all 28 recommended books here.

Previous:
“The Office BFFs” {Book 27}

When The Office mockumentary sitcom first aired on TV in 2005-2013, I wasn’t a watcher. We still had kids in the house and we didn’t watch much TV at all. And when we did, it was educational. So this didn’t qualify.

But now that our children are grown, Jeff and I finally began watching The Office last fall as our show-before-we-go-to-sleep (do you have one of those, too?).

Admittedly it took a few episodes before I liked it, but then I grew to love it. It never failed to make me laugh and put my mood in a better place.

And now I understand the multitude of Office memes, GIFs, and quotes that populate the internet.

So when I saw that “Pam” and “Angela” had written a book about the series, The Office BFFs: Tales of The Office from Two Best Friends Who Were There, I couldn’t wait to read it. (Granted, I didn’t start the book until I’d finished watching all 9 seasons of the show; I didn’t want any spoilers.)

I thoroughly enjoyed the book with the funny and poignant stories about Scranton’s Dunder Mifflin Paper Company. They include many wonderful photos, too.

But one of the most heartening things is seeing that Jenna Fischer (receptionist Pam Beesly) and Angela Kinsey (accountant Angela Martin) truly are best friends in real life.

“Sometimes that’s all you need to help you move forward: You need the right person to listen.”

Early in the show they became friends. And then best friends. Their characters didn’t like each other in the show, but when the cameras weren’t rolling, the women themselves couldn’t stop talking to each other.

If you’re also a fan of The Office, either from 2005 or now, you’ll enjoy reading this book.

If you’re a podcast listener, subscribe to Office Ladies for more laughs. Jenna and Angela are breaking down every episode on their podcast, one episode at a time, telling behind-the-scenes stories and interviewing cast members and staff.

Because sometimes you just need to laugh with people you love (even when Michael Scott, Jim and Pam, Dwight Schrute and Angela are only characters on a show). 

“Invest in the people in your lives. Find that friend who makes you feel ten feet tall and bulletproof. Build them up and encourage them. Show up for each other no matter how big or small the occasion. Link arms and walk into any crowd, fake laughing like you own the world and you will!”

What’s a funny TV series you’d recommend? Are you a fan of The Office? Share your thoughts in the comments.

You are on Day #27 of the series, A Book a Day {Nonfiction Favorites}. Each day of February 2023 I’m recommending one book a day from favorite nonfiction books I’ve recently read.

The Table of Contents for all 28 books is here, updated daily.

Previous:
“Good Inside” {Book 26}

Next:
“The Love Prescription” {Book 28}

Technically, this is a parenting book. Dr. Becky Kennedy gives advice on handling separation anxiety, temper tantrums, sibling rivalry, perfectionism, etc, in her book, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be.

But this book is not only for parents. It’s a book for navigating relationships of any age, whether with a child, an adult, or reparenting ourselves. It’s for anybody who is human.

Dr. Becky’s advice is to prioritize connecting more than correcting. And to intervene by looking for the good inside each person instead of reacting from frustration and anger.

“Underneath ‘bad behavior’ is always a good child.”

To find the good inside, Dr. Becky says to ask ourselves this question before we respond to a situation:

“What is my most generous interpretation of what just happened?”

This works not only for parenting decisions, but for marriage decisions, friendship decisions, etc.

It correlates with one of the top pieces of marital advice I give (when asked): Give each other the benefit of the doubt as much as possible.

Do I always do it? No. But is it a worthy goal? Yes. For any kind of relationship.

This approach still requires parents to embody their authority with children (we are still the adults in the room, after all), but in a way that opens up space for seeing the whole person in front of us instead of just a misbehavior.

“Our kids should not dictate our boundaries and we should not dictate their feelings.”

Validation, empathy, boundary – that’s Dr. Becky’s formula to build resilience in kids, not just happiness.

“Resilience helps us bounce back from the stress, failure, mistakes, and adversity in our lives. Resilience allows for the emergence of happiness.”

At every age we will have problems in our lives, but if we can build resilience for working through our distress, we eliminate some of the extra struggling.

Knowing how to better support our kids (and ourselves) in the current moment makes for a healthier future for all.

Quotes from Good Inside

“Remember: it’s not our feelings that are the problem, it’s the regulation of the feelings.”

~ * ~

“The larger lesson to teach our kids is that distress is a part of life and when upsetting things happen, we can talk about them and get through them with the people we love.”

~ * ~

“At our core, we all want someone else to acknowledge our experience, our feelings, and our truths. When we feel seen by others, we can manage our disappointment, and we feel safe and good enough inside to consider someone else’s perspective.”

~ * ~

“Confidence is our ability to feel at home with ourselves in the widest range of feelings possible. It’s okay to be who you are no matter what you’re feeling.”

~ * ~

“Say this to yourself and then to your child: Here’s something I’ve noticed about you. You’re a person who can do hard things. We will keep getting through this. I love you.”

Do you have a favorite parenting book? Share your thoughts in the comments.

You are on Day #26 of the series, A Book a Day {Nonfiction Favorites}.

Previous:
“Cultish” {Book 25}

Next:
“The Office BFFs” {Book 27}

My body recoiled when Jeff and I stepped on this property on the outskirts of Waco, Texas, last fall. In April, it will be 30 years since a fire ended the 51-day standoff between the FBI and the cult of the Branch Davidians led by David Koresh, killing over 80 people.

A small group of Davidians still meet on the land.

They sell propaganda applauding David Koresh inside their church building.

But a book you will NOT find for sale on the Branch Davidian compound is this one, Cultish: The Language of Fanaticism.

Written by Amanda Montell, Cultish helps explain the mindset of cults. In this book you’ll learn about all things cultish in clear and disturbing details, from cults like Heaven’s Gate to the modern MLM (multilevel marketing) organizations.

Cultish also helps answer the question we all may have wondered: “Could this happen to me, too?”

In the past few years we’ve all watched those among our friends or families who now believe in what are known as conspiracy theories, even if not fully a cult.

It doesn’t take a total brain-washing. There are ways to watch out for it. And some of those ways include language.

“Language is a leader’s charisma. It’s what empowers them to create a mini universe—a system of values and truths—and then compel their followers to heed its rules.”

Language strengthens beliefs.

Words have power.

Watch the words.

Quotes from Cultish

“The goal is to make your people feel like they have all the answers, while the rest of the world is not just foolish, but inferior.”

~ * ~

“When you convince someone that they’re above everyone else, it helps you both distance them from outsiders and also abuse them, because you can paint anything from physical assault to unpaid labor to verbal attacks as ‘special treatment’ reserved only for them.”

~ * ~

“Language doesn’t work to manipulate people into believing things they don’t want to believe; instead, it gives them license to believe ideas they’re already open to.”

~ * ~

“Language—both literal and figurative, well-intentioned and ill-intentioned, politically correct and politically incorrect—reshapes a person’s reality only if they are in an ideological place where that reshaping is welcome.”

~ * ~

“Researchers found that when someone is in a good mood, they become more innocent and unsuspecting, while feeling grumpy makes one better at sensing deception. Which has to be the most curmudgeonly superpower I’ve ever heard.”

~ * ~

“Tune in to the loaded language, us-versus-them verbiage, thought-terminators, and verbal abuse that make up the language of cultish influence, and the leaders’ motives will ring loud and clear.”

Have you been in a cult or know someone who has? Share your thoughts in the comments.

You are on Day #25 of the series, A Book a Day {Nonfiction Favorites}.

Previous:
“The Fire Next Time” {Book 24}

Next:
“Good Inside” {Book 26}