Lisa notes

Technically, this is a parenting book. Dr. Becky Kennedy gives advice on handling separation anxiety, temper tantrums, sibling rivalry, perfectionism, etc, in her book, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be.

But this book is not only for parents. It’s a book for navigating relationships of any age, whether with a child, an adult, or reparenting ourselves. It’s for anybody who is human.

Dr. Becky’s advice is to prioritize connecting more than correcting. And to intervene by looking for the good inside each person instead of reacting from frustration and anger.

“Underneath ‘bad behavior’ is always a good child.”

To find the good inside, Dr. Becky says to ask ourselves this question before we respond to a situation:

“What is my most generous interpretation of what just happened?”

This works not only for parenting decisions, but for marriage decisions, friendship decisions, etc.

It correlates with one of the top pieces of marital advice I give (when asked): Give each other the benefit of the doubt as much as possible.

Do I always do it? No. But is it a worthy goal? Yes. For any kind of relationship.

This approach still requires parents to embody their authority with children (we are still the adults in the room, after all), but in a way that opens up space for seeing the whole person in front of us instead of just a misbehavior.

“Our kids should not dictate our boundaries and we should not dictate their feelings.”

Validation, empathy, boundary – that’s Dr. Becky’s formula to build resilience in kids, not just happiness.

“Resilience helps us bounce back from the stress, failure, mistakes, and adversity in our lives. Resilience allows for the emergence of happiness.”

At every age we will have problems in our lives, but if we can build resilience for working through our distress, we eliminate some of the extra struggling.

Knowing how to better support our kids (and ourselves) in the current moment makes for a healthier future for all.

Quotes from Good Inside

“Remember: it’s not our feelings that are the problem, it’s the regulation of the feelings.”

~ * ~

“The larger lesson to teach our kids is that distress is a part of life and when upsetting things happen, we can talk about them and get through them with the people we love.”

~ * ~

“At our core, we all want someone else to acknowledge our experience, our feelings, and our truths. When we feel seen by others, we can manage our disappointment, and we feel safe and good enough inside to consider someone else’s perspective.”

~ * ~

“Confidence is our ability to feel at home with ourselves in the widest range of feelings possible. It’s okay to be who you are no matter what you’re feeling.”

~ * ~

“Say this to yourself and then to your child: Here’s something I’ve noticed about you. You’re a person who can do hard things. We will keep getting through this. I love you.”

---

Do you have a favorite parenting book? Share your thoughts in the comments.

You are on Day #26 of the series, A Book a Day {Nonfiction Favorites}.

Previous:
“Cultish” {Book 25}

Next:
“The Office BFFs” {Book 27}

My body recoiled when Jeff and I stepped on this property on the outskirts of Waco, Texas, last fall. In April, it will be 30 years since a fire ended the 51-day standoff between the FBI and the cult of the Branch Davidians led by David Koresh, killing over 80 people.

A small group of Davidians still meet on the land.

They sell propaganda applauding David Koresh inside their church building.

But a book you will NOT find for sale on the Branch Davidian compound is this one, Cultish: The Language of Fanaticism.

Written by Amanda Montell, Cultish helps explain the mindset of cults. In this book you’ll learn about all things cultish in clear and disturbing details, from cults like Heaven’s Gate to the modern MLM (multilevel marketing) organizations.

Cultish also helps answer the question we all may have wondered: “Could this happen to me, too?”

In the past few years we’ve all watched those among our friends or families who now believe in what are known as conspiracy theories, even if not fully a cult.

It doesn’t take a total brain-washing. There are ways to watch out for it. And some of those ways include language.

“Language is a leader’s charisma. It’s what empowers them to create a mini universe—a system of values and truths—and then compel their followers to heed its rules.”

Language strengthens beliefs.

Words have power.

Watch the words.

Quotes from Cultish

“The goal is to make your people feel like they have all the answers, while the rest of the world is not just foolish, but inferior.”

~ * ~

“When you convince someone that they’re above everyone else, it helps you both distance them from outsiders and also abuse them, because you can paint anything from physical assault to unpaid labor to verbal attacks as ‘special treatment’ reserved only for them.”

~ * ~

“Language doesn’t work to manipulate people into believing things they don’t want to believe; instead, it gives them license to believe ideas they’re already open to.”

~ * ~

“Language—both literal and figurative, well-intentioned and ill-intentioned, politically correct and politically incorrect—reshapes a person’s reality only if they are in an ideological place where that reshaping is welcome.”

~ * ~

“Researchers found that when someone is in a good mood, they become more innocent and unsuspecting, while feeling grumpy makes one better at sensing deception. Which has to be the most curmudgeonly superpower I’ve ever heard.”

~ * ~

“Tune in to the loaded language, us-versus-them verbiage, thought-terminators, and verbal abuse that make up the language of cultish influence, and the leaders’ motives will ring loud and clear.”

---

Have you been in a cult or know someone who has? Share your thoughts in the comments.

You are on Day #25 of the series, A Book a Day {Nonfiction Favorites}.

Previous:
“The Fire Next Time” {Book 24}

Next:
“Good Inside” {Book 26}

“When you choose to be a friend, you choose to show up.”
– Marisa G. Franco

Eating our breadsticks at Olive Garden yesterday, my friend Kay and I talked about our friendship through the years.

We acknowledge our ups and downs. But we’ve made it work. Through changes and conversations and commitment, we’ve built a strong relationship. I’m grateful Kay consistently shows up for me. 

Did our attachment styles also play a role in keeping our friendship strong?

We’re both new to learning about attachment styles, so we can’t say for sure. (But I can say for sure we’ll talk more about it. It’s the kind of conversation we love.)

Do you know your attachment style?

In this new book by Dr. Marisa G. Franco, Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make—and Keep—Friends, you’ll learn more about the three attachment styles.

The attachment styles are:

• SECURE ATTACHMENT
  Secure people assume they are worthy of love, and others can be trusted to give it to them, leading them to give others the benefit of the doubt, open up, ask for what they need, support others, assume others like them, and achieve intimacy.
• ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT
  People who are anxiously attached assume others will abandon them, so they act clingily, are overly self-sacrificing to accommodate others, or plunge into intimacy too rapidly.
• AVOIDANCE ATTACHMENT
  Avoidantly attached people are similarly afraid of abandonment, but instead of clinging, they keep others at a distance, eschew vulnerability, and leave relationships prematurely.

In other words, the rich get richer in friendships, at least when it pertains to attachment styles. Because when we feel accepted and loved (secure attachment style), we develop qualities that lead us to continue to connect better.

“Assuming the best sets secure people up to receive the best.”

But when we’re anxious or avoidant, we may self-sabotage our friendships in harmful ways.

I was surprised by the depth of this book about friendships, including chapters on initiative, vulnerability, authenticity, anger, etc.

You’ll find lots of practical advice here based on scientific data (yet easy to understand) about making and keeping friends.

“The crux of these theories is that people like people who like them.”

And don’t we all need strong friendships?

“Out of 106 factors that influence depression, having a confidante is the most powerful. Loneliness is more fatal than a poor diet or lack of exercise, as corrosive as smoking fifteen cigarettes a day.”

Quotes from Platonic 

“One study found the most pronounced difference between happy and unhappy people was not how attractive or religious they were or how many good things happened to them. It was their level of social connection.”

~ * ~

“If someone has a history of being rejecting in your moments of need, don’t assume they’ll change. Don’t look for water in an empty well. Your vulnerability is too precious for that.”

~ * ~

“If we can’t tolerate sadness, we may avoid friends who need support. If we can’t tolerate tension, we may withdraw from friends instead of addressing problems.”

~ * ~

“Studies have found that expressing anger is more likely to benefit a relationship than destroy it. . . . Addressing your hurts makes the friendship better.”

~ * ~

“Not every friend has to be a best friend. Maybe we expect less from them, share less of ourselves, and compartmentalize the friendship to what feels most fulfilling about it.”

~ * ~

“The more contacts we have, one study found, the less time we spend with each one. The larger our network, the weaker our relationships tend to be. If we try to invest in everyone, we may end up investing in no one. We first need to figure out who our friends are.”

~ * ~

“What is the distinguishing quality of the super friends? It’s security.”

---

Did all your friendships survive the pandemic? Share your thoughts in the comments.

You are on Day #23 of the series, A Book a Day {Nonfiction Favorites}.

Each day of February 2023 I’m recommending one book a day from favorite nonfiction books I’ve recently read.

The Table of Contents for all 28 books is here, updated daily.

Previous:
“Nonviolent Communication” {Book 22}

Next:
“The Fire Next Time” {Book 24}

We often know what we want in a relationship.

But do we think about what we need from another person?

And even if can identify a need, do we know how to communicate that need?

“Most of us grew up speaking a language that encourages us to label, compare, demand, and pronounce judgments rather than to be aware of what we are feeling and needing.”
– Dr. Marshall Rosenberg

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life is a wonderful book to help us trade in our harmful communication patterns for healthy ones.

Instead of defending, withdrawing, and attacking, use observing, identifying, and articulating.

“No matter what else is going on, we all have the same needs. Needs are universal.”

Author and psychologist, mediator, and teacher Marshall Rosenberg (1934-2015) also wants us to differentiate between our feelings and our thoughts. We often confuse statements of “I feel…” and “I think…” to our detriment.

Why does it matter?

Because Dr. Rosenberg says that articulating what we feel (not just what we think) is one of the first steps to identifying what we need.

“The objective of nonviolent communication is not to change people and their behavior in order to get our way; it is to establish relationships based on honesty and empathy that will eventually fulfill everyone’s needs.”

It may sound easy, but anybody in a relationship can attest that communication between any two people can be tricky.

We all have room for improvement.

This book is a great place to start.

“When we listen for feelings and needs, we no longer see people as monsters.”

Quotes from Nonviolent Communication 

“Connect your feeling with your need: ‘I feel…because I need…'”

~ * ~

“Expressing our vulnerability can help resolve conflicts.”

~ * ~

“What others do may be the stimulus of our feelings, but not the cause.”

~ * ~

“Use positive language when making requests. [You can’t do a don’t.]”

~ * ~

“Listen to what people are needing rather than what they are thinking. . . . You’ll find people to be less threatening if you hear what they’re needing rather than what they’re thinking about you.”

~ * ~

“Focus on what we want to do rather than what went wrong.”

---

What do you most need from a relationship? Share your thoughts in the comments.

You are on Day #22 of the series, A Book a Day {Nonfiction Favorites}.

The Table of Contents for all 28 books is here, updated daily.

Previous:
“How to Human” {Book 21}

Next:
“Platonic” {Book 23}