Lisa notes

Who Wants to Know?

Why would anyone want to know this about me?

That question often keeps me quiet. I don’t want to bore people with my details. If they don’t ask, I might not tell.

But telling even small things about ourselves can enhance our relationships. It can help us feel closer to each other.

Especially when that little detail is something the other person can relate to.

Tell something personal.

But Use Wisdom

Granted, be judicious with your personal information.

• Don’t give away your credit card number.
• Don’t spread pet peeves about your partner.
• And don’t even go on and on about your latest vacation to someone who is clearly bored.

Being a chatty Cathy won’t win you many friends. People need you to listen to them, too.

Don’t Be Stingy

But don’t be too stingy with yourself. The best relationships involve talking and listening, giving and taking.

A current personal thing for me?

I’ve been having a crisis of expectations the past few months. I’ve been questioning who I can trust and who I can’t with my personal information. Sometimes it’s obvious, but other times it’s confusing. I’m praying for clarification and wisdom.

It has felt excruciating.

But it has also been freeing. When I let go of unrealistic expectations about a friend, I also let go of bitterness and disappointment. And then I’m free to love them again with fewer strings attached.

In the end, it’s a welcome release. For everybody. 

Humble and Connected

Telling something personal can be a positive move away from pride and independence. And one step closer to humility and interconnectedness.

So when the mantra “Tell something personal” pops up as a reminder on my calendar every two weeks, I give it some thought.

And find a way to open up again.

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Where do you fall on the privacy spectrum? Share in the comments.

You are on Day #8 of the series: Find Your Mantra {28 Daily Mantras}

• See the Mantras Table of Contents here
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“Empathize with the hurt” {Mantra 7}

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“It is what it is” {Mantra 9}

When You Disagree

I see her Facebook post. I disagree. How could she think this???

My mind starts thinking of all the things I can write in the comments. Doesn’t someone need to let her know she is wrong? In a nice way, of course. 

But the more I think it through, the more I realize none of those things would help.

I remember instead:

Empathize with the hurt.

At the Bottom? Pain

Underneath our anger, cynicism, confusion, you’ll often find pain.

Maybe that’s what we should be looking for.

I’ve had friends do this for me lately. A lot. Instead of discussing our theories on this or that, they look at my soul and see my pain.

• They sit down beside me.
• They listen to my hurt. 
• They tell me they love me. 

And I feel better.

Empathy or Sympathy?

Empathy feels much different than pity. Empathy is even different than sympathy. 

Empathy is best.

According to Brené Brown in her new book Atlas of the Heart (I highly recommend it!), we often give just sympathy when we’re focused on our own discomfort more than on the other person’s distress.

“Sympathy is removed: When someone says, ‘I feel sorry for you’ or ‘That must be terrible,’ they are standing at a safe distance. Rather than conveying the powerful ‘me too’ of empathy, it communicates ‘not me,’ then adds, ‘But I do feel sorry for you.’”

But empathy feels close. Empathy communicates “me too.”

But what if we haven’t been in the same situation as our friend who needs our empathy?

Brené Brown says, 

“Empathy is not relating to an experience, it’s connecting to what someone is feeling about an experience.”

And we all can do that. 

Even for ourselves. When no one else is giving you the support you’d like, empathize with yourself.

Jesus empathizes with you. He knows your pain. Jesus came in the flesh to tell you “me too.” Hear his empathy through the voices of others and through his Spirit living inside you as you empathize with yourself.

The Hurt, Not the Argument

My fingers hover above my keyboard. I’m rethinking how I should respond to my friend’s Facebook post.

Yes, there are some facts and figures I can argue. But within her status, she is revealing a deep hurt. 

It is the hurt that needs healing, not the facts that need correcting.

I craft my response to her differently with this in mind. Although there are occasions when we must discuss the issues at hand, this isn’t one of those times. In this case, those facts aren’t pertinent; they’re just peripheral. I release them.

Instead, I zero in on her hurt. To let her know I’m listening. I’m seeing. I’m with her in this.

Sometimes that’s what matters the most.  

That’s the kind of friend I like to have. So that’s the kind of friend I need to be.

Empathize with the hurt. 

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Do you have friends who see your pain and empathize? Share in the comments.

Read More:

• Don’t Look Away
• Who’s Needy? I’m the Needy Too.
• Sit with the Pain

You are on Day #7 of the series: Find Your Mantra {28 Daily Mantras}

• See the Mantras Table of Contents here
• Subscribe to the blog to get each mantra in your email (if you don’t already subscribe)

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“I don’t know” {Mantra 6}

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“Tell something personal” {Mantra 8}

I know, I know. We like to KNOW things. (And as an Enneagram 5, I really like to know things.) It makes us feel safe and smart. 

But there’s more that we don’t know than we do know.

So we might as well get used to saying this, and saying it a lot:

I don’t know.

Sometimes admitting we don’t know is what leads us to knowing.

When we’re uncertain, we’re more teachable, more tolerant, and more adaptable. In our uncertainty, we give God something to work with.

In the pause, in the lingering space between answers, it’s quiet.

And in the quiet, away from the chaos, untethered from the chain of certainty, we can better follow God’s guidance.

Maybe we still won’t know for awhile.

But unless we admit we don’t know, we may never know.

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How often do you say, I don’t know? Share in the comments.

Read More:

• How Much Do We Need to Know?
• Don’t Rush to the Answer – Linger in the Pause
• Repeat After Me: “I don’t know!”—Because Nobody Knows It All About COVID-19

You are on Day #6 of the series: Find Your Mantra {28 Daily Mantras}

• See the Mantras Table of Contents here
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Previous:
“Bad things happen to everyone. So do good things” {Mantra 5}

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“Empathize with the hurt” {Mantra 7}

Why do bad things always happen to me?

Have you ever asked yourself that? I confess I sometimes throw a good pity party and the question comes up.

But the truth is: bad things happen to everybody. But good things happen to everybody, too. 

Yes, we all have friends like my friend Teresa. For awhile, she had one bad thing after another happen in her life. We wondered why she could never catch a break.

But if you talk to Teresa today, she’d tell you that good things also happened along the way.

If you feel like you’re in a string of bad luck, just hold on. Good things will follow (and usually coexist). That’s just the way life is.

Matthew writes that Jesus said,

“Your Father lets the sun rise for all people, whether they are good or bad. He sends rain to those who do right and to those who do wrong” (Matthew 5:45).

So do expect the rain.

But also expect some sunshine.

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You are on Day #5 of the series: Find Your Mantra {28 Daily Mantras}

• See the Mantras Table of Contents here
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Are you in a sunny season or a rainy season? Share in the comments.

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“That’s interesting. Tell me more.” {Mantra 4}

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“I don’t know” {Mantra 6}

Have you by chance had an awkward conversation with someone the past few years? 

Unless you’ve had no conversations at all, the answer is likely yes.

Sometimes these conversations are unpredictable. They may leave us wanting to run away or to say things we’ll regret later.

There is an alternative. In awkward conversations and in regular conversations, too, try saying this:

“That’s interesting. Tell me more.”

Whenever you get stuck in a conversation—regardless of the reason—asking to hear more is kind, beneficial, and loving.

It’s still no guarantee that the conversation will improve.

But it increases the odds that your friend will at least feel like you’re listening (if you really are). And you may hear helpful information that will bring you closer. 

This also works with ourselves. Practice telling yourself: That’s interesting. Tell me more. Lean in to what you need to speak and hear.

What would your reply be about your current situation?

Have you tried saying, “Tell me more”? How did it go? Share your thoughts in the comments.

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You are on Day #4 of the series: “Find Your Mantra {28 Daily Mantras}”

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Previous:
“See everything. Forgive much. Judge little.” {Mantra 3}

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“Bad things happen to everyone. So do good things.” {Mantra 5}

This is how I want to be treated. You, too?

See everything. Forgive much. Judge little. 

Because: 

1. Everyone deserves to be seen,
2. And to be given grace along the way,
3. Because none of us knows the other’s full story. 

Humans are designed to live in community. To see each other. To interact with each other.

As such, we’re going to catch and be caught making mistakes, having poor judgments, and not living up to our highest potential.

But because we want to STAY in community with other humans, we need to practice forgiveness again and again and again.

Forgiveness is hard. It requires a lot from us.

But one way to reduce the need to forgive others as often? Judge others less harshly to begin with.

• Take things less personally.
• Give the benefit of the doubt when possible.
• Be less offendable.

Judge less and you’ll have less to forgive.

Always keep hearing and noticing people.

Just do it with a less critical eye.

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You are on Day #3 of the series: “Find Your Mantra {28 Daily Mantras}”

• See the Mantras Table of Contents here
• Subscribe to the blog to get each mantra in your email (if you don’t already subscribe)

Which comes easier/harder to you: seeing always, forgiving much, or judging less? Share in the comments.

Read More:

• Are You Justified in Your Anger?
• Stop Being Too Sensitive
• It’s Not Fair! When You Resent Those Ruining It for the Rest of Us—And 5 Steps to Get Over It

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“Even this will change” {Mantra 2}

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“That’s interesting. Tell me more.” {Mantra 4}