Lisa notes

Who Is Your Grief Partner?

By LisaNotes August 24, 2022 Encouragement, My stories, Pain 12 Comments

The Giveaway

I think, “I can sneak by this time. Maybe she won’t notice.“

If my voice is calm and my words are coherent, who can tell?

But within minutes after sending my Marco Polo video to her, I receive a Polo in return.

It is from my older sister. She can tell. I can’t get past her. She’s known me too long.

The red nose is always a giveaway. She spots it, even in a grainy Marco Polo video.

And it tells her I’m not doing as okay as I wanted to show.

She Is One

My sister calls me out gently. She says it looks like I’ve been crying.

She’s right, of course.

Minutes before I’d recorded my video to her, I had been crying. About many of the same things as the week before. And the week before that.

Some griefs don’t ease up with time.

And thankfully, neither do some people.

I count my sister as one of my Grief Partners. She’s one of a handful of people who have proven to be an in-person safe haven for me. I can fully share my heart with my Grief Partners. They’ve been here with me through it all.

I don’t expect them to feel the same things I feel. But I’ve learned they care that I feel those things.

Marisa Renee Lee says this about her Grief Partner in her beautiful book, Grief Is Love:

“A Grief Partner isn’t about sadness as much as it is about support. …You need your Grief Partner to be nonjudgmental and actively supportive. …I don’t expect him to share all of my feelings, but I do request and expect that he meet them with empathy, understanding, and love.”

Not Everyone

Has someone been your Grief Partner in a season of sorrow? It’s not always who you expect. And those you expect may not be the ones. Additional losses, even of friends, can multiply during grief when you aren’t at your best.

Many friends may want to help. Their intentions may be wonderfully good. But they have their own sorrows, too, their own joys, their own legitimately busy lives. (And perhaps even their own discomfort or genuine lack of empathic skills.)

While hearts are sincere, presence can be inconsistent. Sporadic texts or emails can feel too draining to reply to.

Not everyone can be your Grief Partner.

Partners Are Gifts

But to those who can be your Grief Partner, who are available to initiate regular check-ins—and who dare get close enough to see if your nose is red—these are true gifts from God.

Ultimately, I believe God is our grand Grief Partner. God understands our every ache of the heart and body.

But I also believe God’s in-the-flesh love arrives through people. God uses humans to distribute the hugs, conversations, and casseroles. God partners with us through each other’s grief. What a responsibility for us. But also what a privilege.

May you be blessed with your own Grief Partners when needed.

And may you be a Grief Partner when someone needs you.

Who has been a Grief Partner to you? Are you currently helping someone else through a season of grief? Share in the comments.

sharing with Paula and Corinne

Pick Your Three People {August One Word Linkup}

By LisaNotes August 22, 2022 One Word Community 10 Comments

Share Your One Word Update

Link your blog post below about your One Word and share an update about your One Word in the comments.

3 People Challenge

Pick three people to talk to about your word before next month’s linkup on September 22.

Whether in person or online or on the phone, etc., ask your three people a few questions, such as:

How would you define my word?
Do you use it in your own life?
What suggestions could you make to help me practice my word?

Sparking a conversation with someone else about your word can give you a fresh glimpse of it. Use their answers to motivate you to move through your word in a slightly different way than you have so far.

Make your list now of three people and tag yourself in a note to follow through.

This One Word linkup will remain open through Wednesday night, August 31.

The next One Word linkup will begin Thursday, September 22 (every One Word linkup in 2022 opens on the 22nd).

Leave a comment here about your One Word.

Get more One Word ideas here

Link Up About Your One Word!

Are You Listening With Both Your Ears?

By LisaNotes August 19, 2022 Encouragement 14 Comments

This podcast was making no sense.

I was listening intently, but there were so many odd silences. The speaker would talk for a few minutes, then be quiet for a few minutes.

I was almost ready to click delete.

I was listening with just the right earbud in, as I’m apt to do when I’m listening in bed.

So I added the left earbud, too, to see if it would be clearer.

That’s when I realized the problem.

I had been hearing only answers through the right earbud.
But questions were being asked by a separate person broadcasting through the left channel.

Now it made sense.

Sometimes it’s important to listen with both ears, not just one.

I remind myself of this truth when I find myself half-listening to someone talking to me. I fool myself that I’m giving them proper attention if I listen while also typing or reading an email.

But people deserve better. They deserve both my ears, not just one.

I deserve better, too. I want to hear all sides of a conversation.

If you want clearer depth perception, including in your relationships, listen in stereo.

Listen with both your ears.

How’s your hearing? Share your thoughts in the comments.

5 Things I Learned from the Dalai Lama

By LisaNotes August 17, 2022 Compassion, My stories 43 Comments

“That person is so compassionate.”

Who comes to mind for you?

Hopefully we each have people in our lives who show compassion to the world. And hopefully we each have seeds of compassion—companions to seeds of love—in each of us.

One place that those seeds have grown is in the 87-year-old Tenzin Gyatso, known as Gyalwa Rinpoche to the Tibetan people, and to most of the rest of the world as the 14th Dalai Lama.

In my research on compassion for my Year of Compassion a few years ago, the Dalai Lama’s name came up again and again.

I read some of the Dalai Lama’s books on compassion.
I read his spiritual autobiography.
I watched 7 Years in Tibet (perhaps a little iffy in the name of research, but it was a good movie and it did star Brad Pitt.)

So when I heard in October of that year that the Dalai Lama was coming to Birmingham, only a couple hours from my house, I bought 2 tickets right away.

(Here stated, Jeff is an awesome companion to play along in my adventures. Here is his selfie with a photo of the DL.)

5 Things I Learned from the Dalai Lama

Here’s what I learned and what has stayed with me after hearing and watching the Dalai Lama that Sunday afternoon.

1. LAUGH MORE

The man chuckles. A lot.

And because he laughed frequently and genuinely that afternoon, we did, too. Even though he spoke broken English and had a thick Tibetan accent and the audio at Regions Field wasn’t the greatest, it didn’t matter.

When he got tickled, it was contagious.

In the middle of his talk, the Dalai Lama pulled out a white cloth and did what he does in the heat of India: he put it on top of his head, snickered about his “special hat,” then kept on talking. He finished out his speech with this rag on his head.

Yes, keep the serious conversations going—the Dalai Lama sure did—but don’t take yourself too seriously. When you can bring joy into a situation, do.

Smile and laugh often to brighten the day for everyone.

2. HOLD HANDS

“Since our human life begins with affection, affection is important all our life.”

That’s what the Dalai Lama said.

But I noticed even more what he did.

When he was talking on the stage with Birmingham’s then Mayor at the time William Bell, the Dalai Lama would often reach for Mayor Bell’s hand. And he’d hold on for quite awhile.

It was a great visual to see this Asian Buddhist monk from Tibet holding hands with this southern Black mayor of Alabama.

Make friends with whoever is near you, no matter how different you think you may be.

3. SHARE YOUR SHADE

It was a hot afternoon that Sunday and the speakers’ stage was in full sun. A monk stood over the Dalai Lama with an umbrella to create shade.

But the mayor was several feet away. After a few minutes, the Dalai Lama noticed, stopped his talk, and told the mayor, “Come closer. It can cover both.”

So the two sat squeezed side by side under the shadow of one umbrella until someone else brought a canopy tent on stage that was large enough to shade them all.

If your comfort can cover you and somebody else too, make it happen.

4. KEEP YOUR PEACE

“Stop Dalai Lama!”

Outside Regions Field before and after the event, a crowd of Buddhist monks and nuns handed out fliers, sang songs, and demonstrated against the Dalai Lama.

We asked a nun about it who had traveled here all the way from Canada just to protest. She explained to us that the International Shugden Community shows up wherever the Dalai Lama does, to protest his disapproval of their Buddhist deity Doria Shugden.

But it didn’t shake the Dalai Lama.

Even amidst their disapproval, he kept his calm and stuck to his message of peace, the oneness of humanity, and promotion of harmony among all.

“Real source of happiness is not outside, but inside,” he said.

5. COMPASSION WINS

The Dalai Lama wanted us to understand how each of us depends on the rest of us. Even for his morning tea, he said, he depends on others.

We all want to be happy.

He asked those below 30 years old to raise their hands. He told them that real hope in overcoming violence and hatred will be in their hands. “It is your responsibility to make a peaceful world,” to spread freedom as citizens in the leading nation of the free world.

Respect each other.
Keep dialogue central.
Resolve disagreements peacefully.
Act morally out of self-discipline, not just because of legislation.

“You seven billion human beings must work together.”

I agree, Dalai Lama.

Yes, there were things I disagreed with as well. But overall, I discovered I had more in common with the Dalai Lama than I would have imagined.

He’s a living legend and lesson in compassion.

* * *

Who have you surprisingly learned from lately? What did they teach you? Please share with us in the comments.

revised from the archives

What Do You Really Have to Do Today?

By LisaNotes August 12, 2022 Encouragement, Release: One Word 2022 11 Comments

What do you really have to do today?

Sometimes we create a long list of “must do’s.” We treat them as nonnegotiables. If they don’t get done, then our world will fall apart.

But then we get an urgent phone call or an unbearable headache or an unexpected visitor, and by the end of the day, we realize that some of those “must do’s” weren’t as important as we thought.

In my quest to schedule each day, I *try* to limit my “have to do” tasks to just a few [here’s my strategy for time management]. But most days, I’m still more off than on with my schedule.

It’s hard to predict at the beginning of the day what will be most important by the end of the day.

That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t still attempt to order our days to be meaningful and to live out our purpose.

But on those days when things don’t go as planned, we can use them to remind us of this: Live with open hands instead of tightly-closed fists, wrapped securely around our self-imposed tasks.

So what do I really have to do today? I feel sure I know. But I’m so easily proven wrong.

It’s a lesson in uncertainty, one I’m forever learning and never graduating from.

Maybe that is important.

Or maybe not.

I don’t yet know.

So for today, I’m trusting that if there’s something I absolutely must get done, I will know it and get help, if needed, to do it.

And start over with a new list again tomorrow.

In this year of Release, I’m trying to figure out what to let go of and what to hold on to. But maybe I need to release even that? Hmm….

What do you really have to do today? Share your thoughts in the comments.

Is There a Future in Blogging? 14 Reasons to Keep Writing Your Blog

By LisaNotes August 8, 2022 Encouragement 86 Comments

[click here if you can’t see the video, “Book Giveaway – My 14th Blogaversary”]

Reasons NOT to Blog

In 1999 there were 23 blogs on the internet.

In 2022 there are more than 600 million blogs online. And 7 million blog posts are published every day, hoping to capture our attention.

Yet of people who start a blog, more than 90% quit within a few months.

Why do bloggers stop blogging?

It is time-consuming to generate content.
It requires patience to build an audience.
It costs money for hosting, plug-ins, domains, etc.
It can be technically challenging.
It takes effort to promote posts on social media.
It can expose privacy and vulnerability.
And it occasionally draws haters and who needs that?

I was naively unaware of these challenges when I started my blog 14 years ago today.

I fell in love with blogging despite it all.

My first blog post was Take the Pain on Blogspot on August 8, 2008. My most recent post is When You Become a Different Person on WordPress last Friday, August 5, 2022.

In the 3,480 blog posts in between, I have indeed become a different person . . . and partly because of blogging.

14 Reasons to Keep Writing Your Blog

Here are 14 reasons to keep blogging for the long haul.

Keep blogging because . . .

1. You still have lessons to learn.

Many people blog to teach. That’s valid (see reason #2). But blogging also teaches you.

Writing your posts generates motivation to research, to self-reflect, to pay attention to details, to listen to others’ opinions and to clarify your own.

• Learn about life and yourself as you write.

2. You still have lessons to teach.

Every person knows a lot of things, each person with an angle unique to themselves. Blogging is a natural place to share what you know. No one else will teach it exactly as you do.

For example, I’ve taught series with my own personal twist on “20 Ways to Practice the Enneagram for Spiritual Growth” and “How to Uncover Hidden Biases.”

• Teach what you know on your blog.

3. You still have friends to meet.

Building relationships is a huge perk of blogging for years. Through comments, through linkups, through off-blog conversations, and occasionally through in-person meetings, you can create close relationships through blogging.

Participate in a weekly linkup to see for yourself. Some of my favorite blog parties are here.

• Blogging is a group activity—find your people.

4. You still have things to give.

Maybe you sell things on your blog. Or maybe you give things away. Either way, as you send your craft into the interwebs, you’re making it a brighter place.

• Be generous with your gifts to your online community.

5. You still have skills to master.

Writing content is one skill that repetitive blogging can improve. But formatting and publishing your writing onto a blog requires another set of skills. There’s always more to learn about blogging platforms, designing graphics (I highly recommend canva.com), social media, editing photos, link building, and mastering SEO and CSS and HTML.

And then they make changes and you get to learn again.

• Blogging gives you opportunities to master more skills.

6. You still have questions to ask.

Asking questions on your blog is a great way not only to generate conversations, but to receive legitimate answers to questions you have, whether about a sticky relationship issue or a question about life or even which BBQ sauce to use (Jeff would say Dreamland).

Don’t underestimate the wisdom of the crowd.

• People love to give advice, if only you’ll ask.

7. You still have fears to conquer.

Hitting “publish” is no small thing, especially if you’re sharing something personal or something you’ve created. It takes courage to be vulnerable (like sharing an unrealistic expectation), to admit your faults (such as trying to change your spouse), or to reveal your quirks (does anybody else do this with ham?).

But every time you publish, you grind down the edge of fear a little bit more.

• Use blogging to face your fears.

8. You still have things to share.

Blogging is a great platform for sharing your favorite things, whether books (I love recommending books every month) or products or even opinions. Whether you’ve found the perfect hack to fold sheets or a new phone app that is changing your life, share it with your blogging audience.

Heather Gerwing created Share Four Somethings as an easy way to share more about yourself on your blog each month.

• Readers appreciate hearing personal details and recommendations.

9. You still have wrongs to right.

Many use their blogs to create awareness for social issues that need changing. Blogs are a place you can share personal stories or explain why a bill should be passed or shed light on racial inequities.

• Let your blog help change the world for the better.

10. You still have room to grow.

If you’re still alive, you still have areas you can grow in. As you work to pour goodness and love into the world, document it through your blog, not only as personal notes but also as a witness to others who may also be pursuing their own growth.

• Attest to your experiences with growth in your blog posts.

11. You still have time to fill.

You’re still here for a reason. You’re going to spend your time on earth doing something, so if you find meaningful purpose in blogging, why not dedicate a few hours to do it?

• Use your time wisely and intentionally with blogging.

12. You still have people to encourage.

A great benefit of reading blogs is finding encouragement. Whatever the issue, someone is probably writing a blog about it. If you have words of hope you can pass along through your experiences, your gift of encouragement and connection is invaluable.

• Restore hope to others through your blog.

13. You still have money to make.

This is not one of my reasons for blogging, but many people do make a living through their blogs. You might earn income through selling products or services or from hosting ads, enough to create a full-time business or at least as a side-hustle.

• Your blog can provide a stream of income.

14. You still have stories to tell.

Every day you live fresh stories. And you repeat them to others. You tell some in person. But maybe you can tell some online on your blog.

I appreciate our One Word community linking blog posts with their stories each month.

• Speak your truth online.

Blogging Keeps on Giving

14 years ago, I had no idea of the life changes I’d experience from my little experiment with blogging.

I’m glad I tried it.

It’s been far from easy though. Blogging has made me frustrated, made me tired, and made me angry at times.

Blogging isn’t always enjoyable.

But overall, blogging has given me far more joy than pain.

If blogging is something you like to do, too, hold on to your reasons. Keep writing your blog now and into your future.

You never know what you (and others) may discover through it.

What’s one reason you read blogs or write blogs? What reason would you add to the list of reasons to blog?

Share in the comments.