Lisa notes

Are Your Margins Wide Enough?

By LisaNotes April 11, 2023 Encouragement 18 Comments

I start my car and check the fuel gauge. It’s been awhile since I’ve filled up. But I won’t get gas today.

Because the tank is already full.

Jeff must have filled it up for me yesterday. He’s considerate like that.

Like gas tanks, there are some things I like to keep filled up.

  • Bank account
  • Refrigerator
  • Family time

But my schedule?

No, thank you. I don’t want my schedule full.

“If we were equipped with a flashing light
to indicate ‘100 percent full,’
we could better gauge our capacities.

But we don’t have such an indicator light,
and we don’t know when we have overextended
until we feel the pain.”
~ Richard Swenson, Margin

How do you know when you’ve reached your limit?

  • An unexpected outburst over something small?
  • Less energy to do once-fun things?
  • A desire to stay in bed later than planned?

I’ve been tired lately. Not from overscheduling on the outside, but maybe from trying so hard on the inside.

I need to unplug a bit more. A little less of this, a little less of that.

Leave more room in the margins.

“Many people commit to a 120 percent life
and wonder why the burden feels so heavy.

It is rare to see a life prescheduled to only 80 percent,
leaving a margin for responding
to the unexpected that God sends our way.”

I’ll keep the plans I’ve already made. But I’ll try not to add much new. I want to keep my margins wide.

I breathe easier with holes in my schedule.

Do you function best with a tightly packed schedule? Or with wide margins?

Share your thoughts in the comments.

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revised from the archives

To Remember What You Read, Narrow It Down. Then Narrow That Down. Then Narrow It Down Again.

By LisaNotes April 7, 2023 Grace & Truth Link-Up, Reading 6 Comments

Do You Remember What You Read?

I’d had Amanda Held Opelt’s new book, A Hole in the World, on hold at my library for months. Amanda published this memoir of grieving after multiple miscarriages and three years after the death of her well-known and well-beloved sister, Rachel Held Evans.

I’d read the Kindle sample when it first came out, and I knew it would be powerful.

The book finally became available from my library two weeks ago. I started and finished it in less than my allocated two weeks of borrowed time. It was worth the months-long wait.

But so what?

Now that I’ve read it, I ask myself:

  • What will I do with what I’ve read?
  • Will I change because of it?
  • Will I even remember reading it a year from now?

To help answer these questions, I’ve been changing my approach lately to the books I read. Here is my most recent experiment. 

1. TAKE NOTES

This part isn’t new. For years, as a sentence or paragraph stands out to me when I’m reading a book, I copy it into my now very large Word doc called Book Notes. I sometimes return to these quotes to refresh my memory about a specific book. Or I’ll happen upon them when I’m doing a word search through the whole document for a specific topic I’m interested in.

2. REREAD THE NOTES

But a couple years ago, I decided to become more intentional about rereading these notes. So on most days  now, I set a timer to read my old book notes for just 5 minutes. Will I ever finish at this pace? Probably not. But a little is better than nothing. And it’s been a wonderful experience.

3. NOTE THE BEST

Just last year, I’ve made one more critical change to this system: As I reread my notes, if I come across something I really want to remember to do or think, I add it to a much smaller document I’ve labeled To Do from Notes.

The notes in this document are very limited. They’re only the best of the best. They are the ones I can refer to for quick reference: if I need a new strategy to deal with a friend or to shift my mindset to halt a worry or to be compassionate to myself after a hard week.

For example,

  • From Four Thousand Weeks by Oliver Burkeman I’ve noted:
    “Only one major project at a time. Tolerate the anxiety of not starting other things.”
  • From When Life Hits Hard by Dr. Russ Harris I copied this:
    “The single most useful response to any type of loss, crisis, or trauma is to focus on what’s in your control.”
  • From If God Is Love, Don’t Be a Jerk by John Pavlovitz, I’m keeping this:
    “Stay teachable and you’ll be more able to stay loving.”

Narrow It Down Again

Narrow it down.

Then narrow that down.

Then narrow it down again.

Isn’t this the way we create our lives?

We have overall dreams and values. We narrow those down to relationships and activities. Then we narrow those down to who I’ll see today and what I’m doing right now.

Big to medium to small.

It’s a reminder that even in the big picture, the small steps do matter. The small gestures. The small thoughts.

Even the small sentences.

When Amanda Held Opelt published A Hole in the World in 2022, she couldn’t have known I’d copy these particular sentences into my Book Notes file in 2023:

“You may not like who you are for a while, maybe a long while, after grief. It is wise, I think, to cover your mirrors after the death of someone or something you love. Suspend your expectations of yourself. Stop the performance. Stop worrying about appearances. Live fully into the new normal. Ask your friends to cover the mirrors for you. Accept grace from others, and show grace to yourself.”

Nor could she know that maybe in 2024 I’d reread those same words again. And possibly from that rereading, add this small portion to my my most important and shortest to-do list for myself:

“Accept grace from others; show grace to yourself.”

Narrow it down to one small thing at a time. 

While not every single book we read will change us—just as neither a single word we say or a single decision we make will change the world—the accumulation of them all together just might.

Share your thoughts in the comments.

Will You Say These Three Words More Often?

By LisaNotes April 4, 2023 Book reviews, Encouragement 10 Comments

Trauma at the Train Table

What is wrong with this mother? Is she not thinking or is she just rude? I feel my anger rising.

And I should be happy. I’ve just stepped into Itty Bitty Magic City, after all.

We’re at McWane Science Center in Birmingham playing with our grandson at the train table on a Friday morning. He could park here all day, zooming the train cars back and forth on the track. We’ve loved watching his delight.

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It’s a busy morning, and of course other children want to play here, too. No problem. There are enough train cars for several children at a time.

Unless one child gathers more than his share.

And the newest boy at the train table, an older child, is commandeering most of the train cars.

But he’s a child; we all get that.

His mother, however, is an adult. She sees her son taking all the cars; she sees our grandson’s unhappiness about it. (Does she also see my stares?)

Yet she does nothing about it. Tension is growing around the train table.

Our daughter finally leans in and politely asks the other child if he’ll please share one of the train cars with our little guy.

The other mother makes her son give up a car. One car. One car out of the dozen that he’s hoarding. Who can make a train chugga-chugga down the track with a single car?

The train table is no longer fun as we watch. We stay for a couple more minutes, then move on to the next exhibit.

But I leave something behind there—my disdain for this stranger.

Say Please, Sorry, Thanks

We like to think we’re the good guys, the kind ones, the mature ones.

And then something happens—like watching our grandchild get robbed of his toys—that causes us to realize we aren’t as grown up as we thought.

The hostility inside surprised me. Granted, it’s natural to feel outrage against injustice. But my emotion didn’t exactly match the circumstances.

So I’m returning to the basics.

What did my mama teach me as a child—and I need to keep practicing as an adult? To say Please. Sorry. Thanks.

That’s actually the title of Mark Batterson’s newest book that publishes today, Please, Sorry, Thanks: The Three Words That Change Everything.

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In the book, Batterson makes a case for changing the world through these three words and the implications they hold. He uses personal stories, scripture, historical and cultural references to talk about the power of please, sorry, and thanks.

“Nothing opens doors like please. Nothing mends fences like sorry. Nothing builds bridges like thanks.“

Batterson sometimes goes a bit too far for me in exclaiming the power of these words. But I agree with his overall goal: we can better our relationships by changing our words.

“Our words don’t just exchange ideas; they exchange energy.”

With Humility and Specificity

I appreciate Batterson’s emphasis on humility with each word. For instance, with please, Batterson writes:

“Please is giving someone else the upper hand. It’s a posture of humility. It’s setting aside your preferences. It’s giving someone else the first right of refusal. Please is shaking hands, palm up. The greatest of all, said Jesus, is the servant of all.”

For sorry, Batterson says,

“Few things take more courage than saying sorry! Sorry is a we word. . . . But it has to pass a twofold litmus test: It has to be specific, and it has to be sincere.”

And when we say thanks, Batterson again says to be specific:

“The more nuanced your thanks is, the more powerful it is.”

Put It Into Practice

When I think back to the train table, I wonder how I could refocus my heart using please, sorry, and thanks.

  • To the mother I convicted in my head, PLEASE can you forgive my harsh judgment of you?
  • I’m SORRY I was quick to label you a bad parent without knowing any details at all about you or your son or your day. Raising a child is complicated. I get that.
  • THANKS for providing me an opportunity to grow up a little bit more today. Being a human is hard work at any age.

May we all keep saying please, sorry, and thanks again and again and again.

Which have you said most recently: please, sorry, or thanks?

Share your thoughts in the comments.

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my thanks to NetGalley + WaterBrook and
Multnomah for the review copy of this book

On the Blog—March 2023

By LisaNotes March 31, 2023 Archives No Comments

Here are brief summaries and links to posts on the blog, Lisa notes, in March 2023.

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See previous months’ archives here

8 Books I Recommend—March 2023
—Grace & Truth Linkup

By LisaNotes March 31, 2023 Books I Recommend, Grace & Truth Link-Up 13 Comments

“Books are the quietest and most constant of friends; they are the most accessible and wisest of counselors, and the most patient of teachers.”
– Charles Elliot

Here are 7 nonfiction books and 1 novel I recommend from what I read in March.

[See previously recommended books here]

NONFICTION

1. Dopamine Nation
Finding Balance in the Age of Indulgence
by Anna Lembke

Dopamine Nation

Where’s our balance between pleasure and pain? Have we all become addicted to dopamine hits in one way or another? This is a fascinating look at the various ways and dangers of how we pursue pleasure.

“There is a cost to medicating away every type of human suffering, and there is an alternative path that might work better: embracing pain.”

2. Humankind
A Hopeful History
by Rutger Bregman

Humankind: A Hopeful History

Are humans basically selfish? Looking back through our history as a species, Bregman writes that humans have proven we’re wired more for cooperation than conflict. Among other evidence, he sheds new light on some popular studies from years past to prove his point. This book leaves you feeling better about your fellow humans.

“When in doubt, assume the best. If your faith in someone is misplaced, the truth will surface sooner or later. . . . But if you decide not to trust someone, you’ll never know if you’re right.” 

3. Barkley
A Biography
by Timothy Bella

Barkley

As an Auburn University fan, I enjoyed reading the biography of our basketball great Charles Barkley from Leeds, Alabama. From his early childhood to his NBA days to his current career as a broadcaster, Barkley has never failed to speak his mind and to continue evolving as a person. 

“Charles hoped to build ten to twenty affordable homes in their place. He would pay for it all himself, in part by auctioning off some of his basketball heirlooms: an American flag signed by the original Dream Team. The 1993 MVP trophy. His gold medal from the ’96 Olympics.”

4. jaded
a poetic reckoning with white evangelical christian indoctrination
by Marla Taviano

jaded: a poetic reckoning

Marla Taviano writes short, thoughtful poetry that cuts through the platitudes and problems currently facing evangelical Christianity. If you aren’t comfortable with an honest outpouring of grief and anger at the modern church, don’t read this book.

“poetry means letting go
of the compulsion to
cover every base
cover my a**
and just let what
I wrote be enough”

5. Why Did Jesus, Moses, the Buddha, and Mohammed Cross the Road?
Christian Identity in a Multi-Faith World
by Brian D. McLaren

Why Did Jesus, Moses, the Buddha

I missed reading this book when it was originally published in 2012. But 11 years later, it’s not too late; its message is still critically important. Brian McLaren writes with humility about how to be a loving Christian (and human being) to people of all religions, not just your own, to truly reflect Jesus.

“Christian mission begins with friendship—not utilitarian friendship, the religious version of network marketing—but genuine friendship, friendship that translates love for neighbors in general into knowing, appreciating, liking, and enjoying this or that neighbor in particular.”

6. The Dance of the Dissident Daughter
by Sue Monk Kidd

The Dance of the Dissident Daughter

I also missed this Sue Monk Kidd memoir when it first was released in the 90s. But it’s just as relevant today too. She chronicles the deepening of her Christian journey as she embraces all the aspects of what it means to be a woman of faith. This is my March choice for Lory’s Spiritual Memoir Challenge.  For April I’ll be reading My Jewish Year.

“Ultimately our experience needs to become a force for compassion and justice in the world. We must bear witness to what we have experienced.”

7. Fear
Essential Wisdom for Getting Through the Storm
by Thich Nhat Hanh

Fear

Thich Nhat Hanh wrote words through such a kind voice. This book calmed my heart as I read his wisdom on negotiating our lives of ups and downs.

“The intention of deep listening and loving speech is to restore communication, because once communication is restored, everything is possible, including peace and reconciliation.”

FICTION

8. Home Again
by Kristin Hannah

Home Again

This novel centers around a Hollywood bad boy who needs a heart transplant and a world-famous heart surgeon struggling with her 16-year-old daughter. Several plot twists caught me off guard, and kept me wanting to read more. Kristin Hannah is one of my favorite fiction writers.

“Uncle Francis used to say, ‘Love hurts, Angelina-ballerina, but it also heals.’”

WHAT I’M READING NOW

  • The Violence Inside Us
    A Brief History of an Ongoing American Tragedy
    by Chris Murphy
  • Life in Five Senses
    How Exploring the Senses Got Me Out of My Head and Into the World
    by Gretchen Rubin
  • Soulbroken
    A Guidebook for Your Journey Through Ambiguous Grief
    by Stephanie Sarazin
  • A Hole in the World
    Finding Hope in Rituals of Grief and Healing
    Amanda Held Opelt
  • How the Word Is Passed
    A Reckoning with the History of Slavery Across America
    by Clint Smith
  • The Sentences That Create Us
    Crafting A Writer’s Life in Prison
    PEN America
  • The Gospel of Wellness
    Gyms, Gurus, Goop, and the False Promise of Self-Care
    by Rina Raphael
  • My Jewish Year
    18 Holidays, One Wondering Jew
    by Abigail Pogrebin
  • The Husband’s Secret
    by Liane Moriarty

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What good book do YOU recommend? Please share in the comments.

grace-and-truth-weekly-christian-linkup-friday

Grace & Truth Featured Post

Do you remember what you were doing 3 years ago when lockdowns began? What are you thankful that you can do again freely?

As our featured post this week, read this beautiful perspective from Lesley about March 2020 and her progress since then in light of Lamentations 3:21-24.

“Three Years On…”

Then link your own blog posts below.

Review the rules here about adding your most recent Christian Living posts and how to be the Featured Post. Visit all four hosts social media here or websites here: Maree Dee, Lisa notes, Lauren Sparks, Tammy Kennington.

Now Let’s Link Up!

You are invited to the Inlinkz link party!

Click here to enter

To Break or Not to Break the Chain

By LisaNotes March 28, 2023 Encouragement 29 Comments

Will You Check the Box?

The message pops up on my phone’s screen this morning.

“Did you or did you not break your chain!?”

I get a bump in energy.

I click the bright red X on today’s calendar space, a sign I kept the chain alive another day.

I’ve begun this new chain (I’ve labeled it Silent Night using a free app actually called “Don’t Break the Chain.”

But is keeping a chain good or bad for me?

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My Duolingo Chain

Starting another chain, even for a good thing, means another possible addiction for me. I love keeping a chain, (although if it’s to break a bad habit, like eating too much sugar?—I can break a chain on the day I start it). Jerry Seinfeld is popularly credited with the “don’t break the chain” idea. 

I noticed my obsessions to chains in 2016 when I began brushing up on Spanish every day with the Duolingo app. The app keeps track of your streak, the number of days in a row that you finish a lesson.

It was intoxicating. And bonus of all bonuses, if you miss a day with Duolingo, you can “buy” a “streak freeze” with points you’ve earned from previous lessons. It allows you to miss a day without officially breaking your streak.

My Duolingo streak continued building. First, I was satisfied with 10 days in a row. Then I made it to 25. Then 50. Watching the numbers add up felt empowering. (I’m not alone: read this Duolingo story.)

But looking ahead to the calendar, I foresaw a problem. My youngest daughter’s wedding was coming up. How would I squeeze in Duolingo lessons during that busy season?

And therein lies my biggest problem with streaks.

I become chained to the chain.

A Meditation Addiction?

I also noticed my bondage to the chain with, of all things, the meditation app I use. It also keeps track of consecutive days, both current and best of all time.

Who wouldn’t want to improve on their best streak of daily meditation, right?

But again as the days grew in number, I found myself uncomfortable. If I meditated in bed without the app, I wouldn’t get credit for it on my phone. It would break my streak.

So I learned to start the timer on the meditation app later in the day when I took a shower or ate lunch. I knew I’d already put the time in, so it was okay. How else would I get credit for my time if I didn’t cheat the system a little?

Until one day I forgot.

I broke the chain.

The Way Out of Chains

I had reached 131 straight days of meditating. And now it was back to zero. I was bothered.

I decided to stop meditating for awhile. It obviously wasn’t working for me.

And that’s why I have to be careful starting chains.

I may start with healthy motives. But I’m enticed to value the chain more than my original value.

How can I learn to reap the benefits from streaks without becoming enslaved by them?

The key for me is this:

Set a goal to intentionally break the chain.

In 2016, I counted the days until my daughter’s wedding from my duolingo chain. Two weeks before the wedding I would reach 100 days on the app. (The longest Duolingo streak is over 2,000 days by John Arnold.)

100 would be enough for me.

Two weeks prior to the wedding, Day 100, I found I still had time for my Duolingo lesson. So I did it. And the next day. And the next.

Finally a week later, even with spare time in my day to do it, I let the numbers go. I intentionally broke the chain on Day 108. My streak was over. I’d never reach Level 7 Wildfire for a 125 day streak.

Duolingo streak

I felt a little sad. But a lot relieved. I no longer had to keep track.

I did later return to daily Duolingo lessons, but I never returned to keeping a streak.

The chain was broken off me. 

Keep the Habit, Not the Chain

My newest chain I’m keeping on the Don’t Break the Chain app is to help me sleep better.

Instead of one night here and there, I’ve decided to go several nights in a row without grabbing my phone in the middle of the night to use podcasts or audiobooks to put me back to sleep when I wake up too early (thus why I named it Silent Night).

If I can’t go back to sleep on my own, so be it. I’ll just stay awake with my own thoughts.

But more often than not, I have been falling back asleep much quicker without the podcasts than I ever did with them. 

Sleep is the goal. Not the streak. And it’s working.

I’m arbitrarily giving myself 30 days to keep the chain unbroken and establish the habit.

Then on day 31, whether or not I still have a night without podcasts (which hopefully I will), I’ll leave the red X alone, the space unmarked. (You can hold me accountable on April 12.)

Because it’s not about the keeping the chain going. It’s about keeping the good habit going.

I want the chain to serve me, not me serve the chain.

Even if I have to break the chain.

break the chain

Do you like to keep a streak going, too? What’s a streak you’ve kept? How did you feel when you broke it? Share in the comments.

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