Lisa notes

In this era when more victims are courageously speaking up about abuse, are we ready to hear them?

For those of us fortunate enough to have not experienced abuse first hand, it’s important for us to listen to those who have.

A Well-Trained Wife

I highly recommend this powerful memoir by Tia Levings to gain a clearer perspective inside the the life of an abused woman in a religious context: A Well-Trained Wife: My Escape from Christian Patriarchy.

As Tia recounts her years of living in a traumatic marriage, we too are drawn into feeling her anxiety, confusion, frustration, sadness, and anger through the stories she shares.

Because I grew up in a religiously and culturally conservative household myself, I recognize some of the theological underpinnings that Tia writes about. While my family was fortunate enough not to be pressured to conform in harmful ways like Tia, in her story I can easily see how one thing can lead to another.

And I have seen how under the worst and strongest influences, women have eventually become trapped in unhealthy relationships, if not also deadly ones.

The Illusion of Safety through Rules

Tia writes that she learned to follow the rules from an early age. The rules were promised to keep her safe.

But when her boyfriend—and soon-to-be husband Allan—justified his temper and abuse by these very same rules, Tia was given this advice by a friend, “Tia. You asked God to bring you someone, and He did. And now your faith is being tested. Did you think God wouldn’t be faithful?”

Tia was told it takes practice to be a submissive wife. And so she complied. But inside she wondered: is marriage supposed to hurt this much?

“I knew I needed more help—books and Bible verses weren’t enough to prevent dents beneath the wallpaper when Allan slammed my head.”

Still she surrendered her will. She gave in again and again to her husband’s rigid demand for control.

• She wasn’t allowed to vote (only Head of Household voting was allowed).
• She couldn’t make a grocery purchase without prior consent.
• She wasn’t to publish a blog post without Allan’s approval (although she did often break this rule).

She even had to call her husband “My lord.” These were the rules of Biblical submission she was taught, rules she was told could bring her joy and fulfillment if she’d let them.

As I read one story after another, I wanted to shout, “Get out, Tia! Now!” at every turn. But as Tia wrote on to explain her mindset each time, she showed that leaving wasn’t as easy from the inside as it looks from the outside.

A Turning Point

Until finally it happened.

“Truth came in a sequence. My children would not survive here. There wasn’t a savior coming. It was up to me to save us. I pushed my hands flat to the floor and rose to make a plan.”

The book remains riveting as she tells of the harrowing night she finally did leave with her four children. And of the days and months afterward, filled with pain and heartache. But also filled with healing.

“Every day it was as if the more I made choices that saved me, the more others showed up to help save me too. The world, actually, was beautiful. . . . The truth was life was full of hurt. But the truth was also we were surrounded by help and hope.”

I won’t reveal all her story here. It’s complex and nuanced. Even her views toward Allan are complicated.

“The betrayal it must have been to turn to what he thought were wise elders and leaders only to be told to toughen up, be a man, lead your home, raise a ruckus, and above all, support the patriarchy. Men in these systems suffered too.”

Yet somehow she survived. And is now thriving. Pick up a copy of A Well-Trained Wife to hear her story.

“The abuses were still wrong. AND I’d grown past feeling locked in time by them. The rules weren’t love. AND I deserve love. It was both/and. Not either/or.”

Share your thoughts in the comments.

My thanks to NetGalley for the
review copy of A Well-Trained Wife