We often spot family members because they look alike.
What about the members in God’s family? Do we look alike? Do we mirror His image?
When I saw the mean comment on Sunday afternoon, five deep, I cringed. Human to human, we can bring out the worst in each other.
But then I saw something elsewhere on Sunday. A photo. And I changed my mind.
I’m writing today at Do Not Depart. Will you join me there to see if you have the family resemblance?
I don’t like to cry in public. Maybe a single a tear or two is comfortable. But I don’t like to have a full-on breakdown in a crowd.
It feels so out-of-control.
But when I’m home? And especially if I’m home alone? I let the tears fall as they please.
Tears are cathartic. They cleanse our souls and heal our hearts and reboot our emotions once our eyes empty them out.
Tears aren’t just for women though. Or for children. Seeing a grown man cry is powerfully moving, although more rare.
This below is written by a man, a tender man, a super-intelligent man. If you listen to The Liturgist podcast or Ask Science Mike, you already know Mike McHargue and what an extraordinary human being he is.
Mike says in his book, You’re a Miracle (and a Pain in the A**),
“One week, when she asked me what stopped me from crying, I paused for a moment, and then told her the truth: ‘I’m afraid that if I start, I will never stop.’
I think that’s how lots of people feel about their feelings. We’re afraid that if we get sad, angry, or afraid, those feelings will overwhelm us, and we’ll shatter.
But that’s not how feelings work. Our feelings aren’t here to break us. They’re here to help us—even heal us.
Our feelings can be powerful, especially when we repress them for years or decades. But when we let our feelings happen in response to events in our lives, they don’t crash over us like a tsunami. No, they wash over us like the kind of warm, gentle waves I played in as a kid on Florida’s Gulf Coast beaches. Feelings are meant to have a wave action. They naturally progress, crest, and recede.”
2020 steamrolled onto our planet with a furor, packing quite a punch of strong emotions. I’ve cried a lot the past few months. About continuing racial inequalities. About spiking covid cases. About once-again frustrating political tensions leading up to an election.
It’s not over yet.
I need my tears. God gives them to me on purpose, for my good. I’ll use them.
How about you?
Have you had lots of emotions in 2020, too? Do you cry easily? Or hardly ever? Share in the comments.
My thanks to Net Galley
for the review copy of I’m a Miracle
Are you ever so overwhelmed that you don’t know what to pray?
Dr. Michelle Bengtson can help you out. She has a list here of 10 things you can pray when you don’t know what to pray (and even if you do!).
This is our featured post this week. Check it out, then add your own link below.
10 Things to Pray When You Aren’t Sure What to Pray
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MAREE DEE – Embracing the Unexpected
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I’m scrolling through Instagram. I stop at the beach photos from last week on a friend’s feed. Multiple families crowded together. Breathing in each other’s laughter. Arms around each other’s shoulders.
I want to do that, too.
But I’m not. On purpose.
And something stirs in me. Something ugly. Envy? Resentment? Frustration?
Yes, yes, and yes.
Cue the Psalms. King David asked it back then, in his own way (see Psalm 73, for example): Why do people get away with doing wrong things?
I ask it now in 2020 words:
In other words, why am I bothering to social distance and wear a mask everywhere I go, when others aren’t?
Trying to live by best practices, listening to scientists, and watching the numbers isn’t fun. It causes us to miss out on things we planned for 2020.
And honestly? Part of our missing out is because others aren’t.
Hopefully this isn’t how it is where you are. But here in Alabama, it’s as if many are driving while texting and drinking because they don’t want anyone telling them what they can or can’t do regarding coronavirus precautions.
The rest of us are having to stay off the road or dodge them to avoid being hit, forced to be more responsible as a result of their extravagance. Their choices are pushing the covid cases up and stretching the hospital staff thin.
Life isn’t fair.
Life has lots of inequities. Talk to your Black neighbors about that. Including with covid, they take the biggest hits. Data shows that Blacks and Latinos in the U.S. have been 3 times as likely to get infected with the virus as whites, and nearly twice as likely to die from it as whites. (And we complain about having to wear a mask?)
I complain about more.
Not only do I feel bad for what we’re missing out on, I also feel bad that I feel bad. I don’t want to feel resentful. I don’t want this anger.
What am I to do with these negative emotions stirred up in me? It’s a real struggle.
Here are 5 steps I’m committing to, with God’s help, to get over this hurdle of resenting others.
1. TAKE A STEP BACK
Sometimes unfollowing or muting a friend on social media is the best way to preserve our friendship for the long haul in real life. If I’m not mature enough to handle their posts without getting angry, I need to temporarily disengage until I can grow up a little more.
God says to walk away from temptation. I need to capture my bitter thoughts and discard them before they take root.
2. TAKE A KNEE DOWN
I need more humility, less pride.
Things are more complicated than they appear. I shouldn’t overgeneralize other people’s motives. I don’t have all the facts. I have blind spots. I will practice saying “I don’t know” more often. I get a lot of things wrong. God knows this already; I need to remind myself of it, too.
Self-righteousness is a bad look on any of us.
3. DO WHAT YOU KNOW TO DO
I have my own work to do, and that doesn’t include judging others. “Chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline” (Colossians 3:12).
That’s enough to keep me occupied for awhile (like, my whole lifetime).
I’m deciding the best places to put my energy so I can stay the course, staying true to my values and faith, regardless of what’s going on around me.
4. GIVE AWAY FORGIVENESS
None of us have lived through a pandemic before. We’re going to make bad decisions along the way.
But we don’t have to hold a grudge against each other because of them. I want to build bridges, not walls, with those around me.
God can handle the consequences of others without my help. But I need his help. I want to give grace to others instead of judgment.
5. EXTRA CREDIT: THANK GOD FOR THE BONUS WORK
God is giving me lots of extracurricular spiritual work the past few months. During this lockdown phase, it’s been harder to make decisions on what to do and not do; relationships are tested in closer quarters; tensions run high as others handle things differently from family to family.
Trusting God’s presence in the present is an ongoing gift of surrender. Sometimes I give it; sometimes I take it back.
King David spoke of this too, often at the end of his lament Psalms (see the end of Psalm 73). But God always comes through. He did it for David. He’ll do it for me.
When this pandemic passes and we set our masks aside (the pandemic will be gone one day, right?), I don’t want to be left holding a bag of blame, regardless of how many get-togethers others experienced or how many I missed.
I want to ditch the bag now while I can, and trade it in for better things.
Life may not be fair.
But we love anyway.
We are loved anyway.
This is what matters the most.
Have you struggled with handling the pandemic differently than others around you, too? Share your thoughts in the comments.
Every month I share my list of favorite 5’s.
What are you enjoying this month?
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What You Should Know About My Empty Chair in Church
Is your church open in person yet? Ours opened up (but I still watch online only), then closed back down due to cases spiraling out of control in Alabama. (And unfortunately, we have at least one church staff member diagnosed with covid.)
‘I don’t see color’ and Other Things White People Must Stop Saying to Black People
Here are some things well-intentioned white people should avoid saying; they cause more harm than help.
15 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me When I Started Cooking
My preference in the kitchen is a detailed recipe for every step. But that rarely happens. Here are some interesting tips.
Quarantine Has Changed Us—and It’s Not All Bad
Have you picked up any good habits during lockdown? Which one of these would you like to keep? Here are 8.
The Founder of Veggie-Tales Explains Systemic Racism
Have you seen this already? If not, it’s worth your time. “We need to talk about race. Why are people still angry? Let’s take a look at race in America.”
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Here are 5 things that made me laugh.
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There’s a theme here. I’m all about getting educated on race matters so I can better understand what needs to change and how to change it.
The Anti-Racist Curriculum White Evangelicals Need
No book or film or article will give us THE answer. But together they can help point us in the right direction.
When Black People Are in Pain, White People Just Join Book Clubs
Yes, read. But also, do. “This isn’t the time to circle up with other white people and discuss black pain in the abstract; it’s the time to acknowledge and examine the pain they’ve personally caused.”
Amazon’s Best Sellers List Is Almost Entirely Books on Race
See this list of best sellers and find one for yourself to read. “Share books about racism with friends and family and discuss how oppression affects marginalized groups.”
More Ebooks Available Now: Community Read Program on Black Lives Matter
There is no waiting on these ebooks right now at your digital library! Check out a few while you can get them easily.
Here are short summaries of great books I finished reading in June.
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Weekend at Granna’s
We got to keep our 2-year-old granddaughter for several nights at our house in June. And we had such fun! Looking forward to keeping both girls for several days in August. Hopefully we’re up to it. 🙂
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Car Picnic
Since we’re still not eating inside restaurants, we had a picnic sitting in the car at our favorite burger joint, Dub’s, with Aunt Jenna and Uncle Trey.
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Hard at Work
Meanwhile, the baby got all her parents’ attention with big sis gone. Both girls like to visit Daddy on the job (he’s a landscaper) and to play on the big machines.
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Three Teeth
You can’t see it here, but the youngest now has a toothy grin instead of all gums.
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Fun Puzzle!
My daughter Morgan got a puzzle made for me from one of our photos. I had such fun putting it together over the weekend! I’ll do it again with the grands when they come to stay next month.
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My Brothers, This Is Personal—I Say Your Names
I see your faces and hear your voices and feel your hugs. Your life matters to me.
Recommended Reading on Racial Inequality
To learn more, read more. Then do more. Here are 24 books I recommend on racial inequality.
It’s Way Past Time to Let Go, Change, and Celebrate
It’s way past time to make changes to end racial discrimination in America. See what else it’s past time for.
Feeling Down? Lift Every Voice and Sing–And the Story Behind the Hymn
If you’ve been hearing about the Black National Anthem on the news lately, read about its origins here and find 3 things you can do now to practice hope for your future from this classic hymn.
8 Reasons We Don’t Speak Up Against Racial Inequality—And Why We Should Anyway + Infographic
Here are 8 reasons we give for not speaking up against racial inequality. And why we should speak up anyway.
What did you enjoy in June? What are you looking forward to in July? Please share in the comments.
Sadly, most white people are more worried about being called racist than about whether or not their actions are in fact racist or harmful.
– Austin Channing Brown
No, not me! I’m not racist. I can’t be.
I know what BIPOC stands for. I’ve read the books. I have lots of Black friends (notice I capitalized the B? Here’s why). I love the Obamas. I’ve even been to Selma and walked across the Edmund Pettus Bridge with real tears in my eyes.
Surely I’m an exception. I’m one of the good ones. Yes?
But no.
I’m not an exception. (Even though I marched in a #BlackLivesMatter rally? Um, no. Still no).
And if you’re white, you’re probably not an exception either.
Actually, I hear we may be the most dangerous type of racist because we are blind to it.
In his “Letter from a Birmingham Jail,” Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. said,
“Shallow understanding from people of good will is more frustrating than absolute misunderstanding from people of ill will.”
Yes, we do love Black people and we do believe we’re all equal in God’s eyes and we’d never intentionally harm anyone in word or deed because of skin color.
But because we think we’re the exceptional whites, the ones who aren’t racist, the “nice” ones, we can become content with our individual goodness and think it’s enough.
And stop showing up. And not see our complicity in allowing systemic racist structures to thrive.
And not do the work that we need to do for the rest of our lives.
As Layla F. Saad says in Me and White Supremacy,
“If you do not do the work, you will continue to do harm, even if that is not your intention.”
Ouch. (Is my white fragility showing?)
But Saad isn’t finished yet. Listen to this:
“You are not an exceptional white person, meaning you are not exempt from the conditioning of white supremacy, from the benefits of white privilege, and from the responsibility to keep doing this work for the rest of your life.”
Let’s be real. Racial reconciliation work is not about just being nice.
Even if we are exceptional in our kind words and actions, it’s not enough.
Until we see how racism is perpetuated in our institutions and structures—education, housing, justice, hiring, laws, law enforcement, etc.—and then work to change those, there will still be injustice against Black people.
Our smiles alone are woefully insufficient to end racism in this country.
We whites will struggle to truly be anti-racist until we first admit we are racist. There is no middle ground.
Ibram X. Kendi gives this analogy. Racist ideas are like rain constantly falling on our heads, yet we don’t realize we’re wet.
“It’s very difficult to grow up in a country or even a world that’s constantly raining racist ideas on your head and to never get wet. That’s how hard it is, essentially, to never consume any racist ideas, and so the first step is admitting that.”
Admit it. And then what? I don’t know the answers. I keep messing up.
And I can’t tell you what to do either. I just don’t know.
But I do know this: if we’re white, even if we’ve had a hard life, we benefit from a dominant culture of white supremacy, whether we realize it or not, and our Black neighbors suffer from it, whether we realize it or not.
While we didn’t start white supremacy or intentionally perpetuate it, here it is. Now what?
We still don’t want to think of ourselves as racists. But the truth is, it’s been raining here our whole lives.
We’re soaking wet.
Things must change.
Somehow. Someway. Lord, have mercy.
Give us an umbrella.
