How can you practice the Enneagram for spiritual growth? Discover 20 ways to use the Enneagram in this series. Don’t just learn about it; use it.

“When you learn about your type—the good and the bad—this knowledge can serve as your guardrail. It’s much easier to keep from falling off the edge of the road if your eyes are wide open and the path is lit.“
– Anne Bogel, Reading People

Daily Series on the Enneagram

The Enneagram (pronounced ANY-a-gram) is a personality typing system. It’s been gaining in popularity every year.

• But what exactly is the Enneagram?
• Is it compatible with religious beliefs?
• How do you find your Enneagram type/number?

And most importantly for this series:

• How can you use the Enneagram for spiritual growth, regardless of your faith?

Below is the index for 29 posts looking at different angles of the Enneagram and a different spiritual practice.

Take a deeper look into:

• How to identify your type
• Spiritual practices for each type
• Online resources
• Subtypes and wings
• Relationships between types
• Heart, head, and gut triads
• Stress and health directions
• and much more

Don’t just learn about the Enneagram. Use it to grow your healthiest self.

Enneagram Test

Learn more about and get links for Enneagram tests at #5, both free and paid. But if you want to take a test to get started now, here’s a link to the free version of the RHETI Enneagram test. It only takes a few minutes.

Just hold your results lightly. Most tests are not very accurate. But they can narrow down the possibilities for your number.

(Tip: If you’re a female in the United States, don’t be surprised if you score artificially high as a type 2, the Helper. Keep reading before you decide for sure.)

A better way to determine your number (but it takes more time) is to read descriptions of each type and see which fits you best. Here’s a short summary.

Index

1. Introduction (this page)
2. You Are a Masterpiece
3. 9 Enneagram Types with 9 Fears and Desires
4. 3 Ways to Find YOUR Enneagram Number + 9 Healing Attitudes to Accept It
5. 5 Enneagram Tests to Determine Your Type
6. Who Has Your Enneagram Number? Numbers of Famous People and People in the Bible
7. Where Did the Enneagram Come From? What Does the Symbol Mean?
8. Your First Impression of the Enneagram and Week 1 in Summary
9. A Hidden Gift in Each Enneagram Number
10. What Are Enneagram Wings? Your Invitation to Abundance
11. What Is My Enneagram Wing? Extra Names for Subtypes
12. Be a Healthy Number – Lines, Arrows, and Letting Go on the Enneagram
13. Favorite Books on the Enneagram
14. Podcasts, Music, and Other Resources on the Enneagram
15. On Your Mind Before Bed and Week 2 in Summary
16. You See Differently
17. Are You a Thinker, Feeler, or Doer? Triads & 3 Practices
18. What’s Your Connection Style? Prayer Practices for Each Enneagram Number
19. Is Your Social Style Annoying? 9 Ways We Manipulate Each Other
20. What’s Your Coping Style? Choose Your Response
21. 3 Survival Strategies – Subtypes of the Enneagram
22. Each Type on Their Day Off and Week 3 in Summary
23. The Most Important Thing About You
24. Shine a Light on 9 Ways We Lose Our Way
25. Which Enneagram Types Go Best Together?
26. Improve Your Relationships with Other Numbers on the Enneagram
27. A Wake-Up Call for Each Number on the Enneagram
28. Your Cheat Sheet: Summary for Enneagram Types
29. Don’t Make Me and Week 4 in Summary

What’s your Enneagram type? Do you have a favorite resource on the Enneagram? Please share in the comments.

Are You Your Mask?

When asked to describe ourselves, we usually begin with things we are. I’m a wife, a mother, a grandmother, etc.

But Scott Allender suggests in his new book that we should also realize who we are NOT.

Do we confuse the masks we wear with the person underneath the mask?

I wasn’t sure I wanted to read yet another book on the Enneagram to find out. I’ve enjoyed the ones I’ve already read. [My six favorite books on the Enneagram are here.] They’ve given me useful information to navigate life and my relationships. I don’t believe it’s a completely accurate tool, but it is uncannily convincing in many ways.

So I agreed to read and review Allender’s book, The Enneagram of Emotional Intelligence.

I’m glad I read it.

What You Don’t Know Can Hurt You

Allender includes some standard information on Enneagram types that I already knew, but needed reminding of.

For instance, as an Enneagram Five, Allender points out that my go-to approach in dealing with fear is to get more information, to try to make sense of things. (And he’s right; I know this about me.)

But Allender also reminds us that what we don’t know about ourselves can hurt us. Are our self-perceptions accurate?

“Emotional intelligence is not about willpower but about healthy self-perception and understanding what is truly going on inside of us.”

To be our most healthy selves, he proposes we raise our awareness in these areas:

• Self-Perception
• Self-Expression
• Interpersonal Relationships
• Decision-Making
• Stress Management

By looking deeper to discover things we don’t know about ourselves, we continue the work of transformation. Then we can better face our fears and live more courageous lives.

“Our minds are hardwired to believe that everything we do is an intentional, positive choice, and yet all the while, fear is often what is running the show. We must excavate and confront these fears.”

Know Your EQ

Allender writes,

“Our ability to develop our EQ [emotional quotient or emotional intelligence] is the single biggest predictor of our personal and professional success. I am convinced that the first mistake many of us make when it comes to emotional intelligence is that we assume we already know ourselves and others.”

I can’t confirm the accuracy of this, but he cites research by organizational psychologist Tasha Eurich that “95 percent of people believe they are self-aware, but only 10 to 15 percent of people actually are.” Ouch.

I don’t want to be in that bottom 10%. So according to Allender, I need to stay aware of the following about my own type Five tendencies:

“With a proclivity to isolate themselves in their mental processes, Fives often miss the opportunity to involve others in their decision-making, which could help push them forward if they allowed it.”

Who am I not? I’m not a person who loved group projects in school. I preferred doing it all myself.

But I don’t have to stay that way. As I’ve aged, I’ve learned the benefits of asking for and accepting help. Because, like every other human, I need help, too.

Wake Up

“When all is said and done, growing our emotional intelligence in life, business, leadership, and interpersonal relationships hinges on one thing: waking up. Our relationships will thrive or decay in proportion to how awake or asleep we are.”

We’ll never understand everything about who we are. And who we’re not. But we can see more.

When we wake up to our own emotional intelligence, it’s healing for all of us.

Do you know your Enneagram type, Myers-Briggs letters, or if you’re an Introvert or Extrovert? Is it helpful information to you or not?

Share your thoughts in the comments.

More here on the Enneagram:

• Which Enneagram Types Go Best Together?
• The Key Fear and Desire of Each Enneagram Type
• Who Else Has Your Enneagram Number?

Thanks to NetGalley + Baker Books
for the review copy of this book

I’m linking at these blog parties

Grace & Truth Featured Post

We’ve likely all done this: we’re so busy taking photos or videos of an event that we’re not really present in the moment. 

I’ve done it. This is why I am drawn to Lois’s post. Do you too often settle for the lesser thing when the greater thing is within reach?

Read all of Lois’s post here at her blog, then link up your own blog posts below.

“How to Stop Being ‘Too Easily Pleased’ by Distractions”

Review the rules here about adding your most recent Christian Living posts and how to be the Featured Post. Visit all four hosts social media here or websites here: Maree Dee, Lisa notes, Lauren Sparks, Tammy Kennington.

Now Let’s Link Up!

It’s not THE answer. But it is AN answer.

The Enneagram is credited for more than it can accomplish and blamed for less than it can do.

In reality, it falls somewhere in between. The Enneagram is a tool for personal growth. And as such, it can also be used as a tool for spiritual formation.

Improving our spiritual practices is a goal of A.J. Sherrill’s book, The Enneagram for Spiritual Formation: How Knowing Ourselves Can Make Us More Like Jesus.

Sherrill shows in his book that we can use the Enneagram to root our identity in Christ, to work with our personality, and to create a life of wholeness and beauty.

After I read a few pages, it seemed vaguely familiar. I bought and read Sherrill’s Enneagram and the Way of Jesus a year ago. That book is no longer for sale and this book is its updated rewrite.

As Sherrill does in his Enneagram workshops, he also states in The Enneagram for Spiritual Formation these four agreements:

1. Remember that you are not a number.
2. Refuse to become branded as the Enneagram person, church, or organization.
3. Resist the urge to type another person.
4. Reclaim the Enneagram as a means, not an end.

For each of the nine Enneagram types (see all the numbers here), Sherrill lists the following (as an example, I’ll use Type 6):

• Type 6
• One Word: Questioner
• Survival Strategy: “I must be secure and safe.”
• Full Description
• Lies they believe: “It is not okay to trust yourself.”
• Truth they need: “You are safe.”

He later lists discipleship spiritual practices for each Enneatype: downstream practices (these come naturally) and upstream practices (harder to do).

For example, he suggests Type 2s practice hospitality as their downstream practice and to use centering prayer as their upstream practice. The day in the church calendar they should heed is Maundy Thursday (the day Jesus washed feet).

This book isn’t an exhaustive resource to fully explain the Enneagram. But if you already know your number, it can help you discover specific ways to practice it.

In the conclusion, Sherrill says,

“There are many things the Enneagram cannot do. Its power is limited. However, as a means toward self-reflection, spiritual practice, marriage, leadership, and evangelism, it is an incredibly valuable tool. . . .

The Enneagram isn’t Jesus, but it can help you learn how to be more like him.”

To learn more about the Enneagram (including 3 ways to find your number), see my Enneagram series, “The Enneagram for Spiritual Growth” here.

Do you know your Enneagram number? I’m a Type 5. Share in the comments.

My thanks to Net Galley
for the review copy of this book

Unless you’re my daughter or husband, I don’t want to answer your phone call. Don’t take it personally.

When I do answer, know it takes great intention and energy on my part. It costs me.

I’m secretly hoping you can just text or email next time.

This is what it’s like being a Five.

See the rest of the post here . . .“My Life as the Investigator”

I’m writing today at Mary Geissen’s Enneagram series, “EnneaWhat???”

Will you join me there?

For more on the Enneagram here:

• Index to my “Enneagram for Spiritual Growth” series

Depending on your Enneagram type, there are certain things that you’d rather not have to do anymore. See if this list rings true with you.

Follow Sarajane Case at Enneagramandcoffee on Instagram to see more Enneagram lists like this. 

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Summary of the Week

Below is a short recap of the Enneagram articles from this week.

If you want to learn more about the Enneagram, see these five articles from week 4 in our series, “The Enneagram for Spiritual Growth: 20 Ways to Practice the Enneagram.”

#24 Shine a Light on 9 Ways We Lose Our Way

Spiritual Practice #16—Learn your verse.

See the 9 ways (Passions) each Enneagram type can lose their way. Learn Bible verses to shine a light on them.

#25 Which Enneagram Types Go Best Together?

Spiritual Practice #17—See the best and worst in relationships.

Which Enneagram types go best together? Those at their healthiest number. Here are the best/worst traits to watch for in each number.

#26 Improve Your Relationships with Other Numbers on the Enneagram

Spiritual Practice #18—Use these relationship tips.

See how to improve your relationships with other numbers on the Enneagram. Approach each personality type in a way that suits them best.

#27 A Wake-Up Call for Each Number on the Enneagram

Spiritual Practice #19—Use your gift.

When you’re spiraling downward, you need a wake-up call. See one for each Enneagram number. Also see the unique gift your type can give the world.

#28 Your Cheat Sheet: Summary for Enneagram Types

Spiritual Practice #20—Pray about these 9 lies and truths.

Get your cheat sheet of a summary for Enneagram types. It includes triads, groups, core traits, etc., for each number. Also see this list of lies/truths for each number. 

Did you learn anything new about your relationships this week using the Enneagram? Please share in the comments.

See the whole Enneagram series here

Previous: Your Cheat Sheet: Summary for Enneagram Types {Series #28}

Get your cheat sheet below of a summary for Enneagram types.

Summary for Enneagram Types

As you’ve discovered throughout this series, the Enneagram is a rich tool, far more than just a number on a personality chart. 

The more you dig into it, the more it expands.

As you use it to expand your own soul through the grace of God, harness it not just for your own growth, but also for the greater good of loving God and loving others.

Here is an Enneagram cheat sheet for you to download. It includes many of the Enneagram triads, groups, core traits, etc., that we covered for each number, along with a clickable link connecting to its associated post. 

Download “Summary for Enneagram Types” here

Spiritual Practice #20—9 Lies and Truths

Our final spiritual practice is to evaluate a set of lies and truths that we believe, one for each number.

Pray about any lies you are believing and ask God’s Spirit to replace them with his eternal truths about who he is, who you are, and how you can best love others. The information is revised from AJ Sherrill’s Enneagram & the Way of Jesus and from Suzanne Stabile.

Type 1—Perfectionist

• The lies Ones believe:
  “It’s not ok to make a mistake; I have to be perfect.”
• The truth Ones need:
  “You are loved for who you are, not how good you are.”

Type 2—Helper

• The lies Twos believe:
  “It’s not ok to be needy.”
• The truth Twos need:
  “You are wanted.”

Type 3—Performer

• The lies Threes believe:
  “It’s not ok to be seen as a failure.”
• The truth Threes need:
  “You are loved for who you are, not for what you do.”

Type 4—Individualist

• The lies Fours believe:
  “It is not ok to be too functional or too happy.”
• The truth Fours need:
  “You are seen and valued for who you are.”

Type 5—Investigator

• The lies Fives believe:
  “You are strong enough to not need help.”
• The truth Fives need:
  “Your needs are not a problem.”

Type 6—Loyalist

• The lies Sixes believe:
  “It is not ok to trust yourself.”
• The truth Sixes need:
  “You are safe.”

Type 7—Enthusiast

• The lies Sevens believe:
  “It is not ok to depend on anyone for anything.”
• The truth Sevens need:
  “You will be taken care of.”

Type 8—Challenger

• The lies Eights believe:
  “It is not ok to be vulnerable—you can’t trust people.”
• The truth Eights need:
  “It’s ok to be weak.”

Type 9—Peacemaker

• The lies Nines believe:
  “It’s not ok to be bold and assert yourself.”
• The truth Nines need:
  “Your presence and opinion matters.”

For more, here is an excellent Spiritual Formation Plan you can download from Saturate on how to use the Enneagram. The plan is designed to help you “take off the mask so the real you can meet Jesus and be transformed into the person God made you to be, for His glory and the good of others.”

Thank you for traveling along this journey with me. I’ve enjoyed every single comment and have learned much from you.

Please share any thoughts in the comments.

• Start here to begin learning your Enneagram number. 
• See the series index here.

Previous: A Wake-Up Call for Each Number on the Enneagram {Series #27}

Next: Don’t Make Me and Week 4 in Summary {Series #29} 

Get a wake-up call for each Enneagram number for when you’re spiraling downward. Also see unique gifts that each type gives the world. 

Know Yourself

We all have times when life is going smoothly. Maybe we’re loving generously, working successfully, staying keenly aware in our everyday activities.

But life keeps coming at us, an unexpected bill here or a health problem there, a relationship struggle or a job change.

Is it possible to use the Enneagram as a wake-up call before we fall further down the hole? What are the pitfalls and warning signs to watch for in a potential slide from healthy to unhealthy versions of ourselves?

9 Wake-Up Calls

The following is a compilation from several sources, including Riso and Hudson’s, The Wisdom of the Enneagram, and Rohr and Ebert’s, The Enneagram: A Christian Perspective.

1 The Perfectionist

Wake-Up Call: You sense an intense personal obligation to fix everything yourself.

“Everyone is so lazy and irresponsible. Right is right and wrong is wrong and there are no exceptions.”

Your pitfall is to become hypersensitive.
Your temptation is to search for perfection.

Warning Signs

• Taking rigid, inflexible positions
• Extreme self-righteousness and judgmentalness
• Rationalizing and justifying your own actions

2 The Helper

Wake-Up Call: You become overly supportive of others to win them over.

“I can make anyone like me. . . . Let me do that for you.”

Your pitfall is people-pleasing.
Your temptation is to make others dependent on you to make yourself feel worthy.

Warning Signs

• Extreme tendencies toward self-deception
• Acting with a sense of delusional entitlement
• Episodes of manipulating and coercing others

3 The Performer

Wake-Up Call: You think your value depends on your success.

“I can do this better than anyone else. I’ve got it altogether.”

Your pitfall is superficiality.
Your temptation is efficiency.

Warning Signs

• Physical exhaustion, burnout, inner emptiness
• Increasingly false self-image
• Jealousy and unrealistic expectations of success

4 The Individualist

Wake-Up Call: You are imagining things to hold on to and intensify feelings.

“No one understands me. People are insensitive to me.”

Your pitfall is depression or melancholy.
Your temptation is a frantic striving to be authentic.

Warning Signs

• Oppressive sense of alienation from self and others
• Extreme emotional volatility and touchiness
• Depending on one or two others, with unstable relationships
• Chronic, long-term depression and hopelessness

5 The Investigator

Wake-Up Call: You retreat into your mind.

“Is it safe to come out? I need more time.”

Your pitfall is emotional stinginess.
Your temptation is to know more and more.

Warning Signs

• Increasing tendency to isolate yourself
• Chronic physical and social neglect, letting yourself go
• Severe insomnia, nightmares, and sleep disorders
• Refusing help or even being hostile to it

6 The Loyalist

Wake-Up Call: You look for a sure thing (guidance and support outside yourself).

“What can I trust? I’m so mad and I’m not going to take it anymore!”

Your pitfall is cowardice (if phobic 6) or recklessness (if counter-phobic 6).
Your temptation is an exaggerated need for security.

Warning Signs

• Intense anxiety, panic attacks, and paranoia
• Acute inferiority feelings and chronic depression
• Constant fear of losing support from others
• Alternating dependency and impulsive displays of defiance

7 The Enthusiast

Wake-Up Call: You think something better is available elsewhere.

“I don’t want to miss out; let’s get going. I want it and I want it now!”

Your pitfall is scheming.
Your temptation is idealism.

Warning Signs

• Impulsiveness, offensiveness, and infantile reactions
• Debilitating addictions to escape anxiety
• Compulsive activity and highly exalted mood
• Periods of being out of control

8 The Challenger

Wake-Up Call: You think you must push and struggle to make things happen.

“It’s all up to me. No one tells me what to do.”

Your pitfall is revenge.
Your temptation is appointing yourself as avenger.

Warning Signs

• Paranoid feelings of being betrayed by “my people”
• Increasing social isolation, bitterness, and vengeance
• Lack of conscience and empathy; callous hard-heartedness
• Episodes of rage, violence, and physical destructiveness

9 The Peacemaker

Wake-Up Call: You outwardly go along with others.

“It doesn’t matter to me. I’ll deal with this later.”

Your pitfall is lethargy (comfort).
Your temptation is self-deprecation.

Warning Signs

• Denial of serious health, financial, or personal problems
• A sense of inadequacy, general neglectfulness, and dampened vitality
• Dependency on others and allowing yourself to be exploited
• Chronic depression and emotional flatness

Spiritual Practice #19—Use Your Gift

While each type has a particular set of temptations and weaknesses, each type also has multiple benefits. Embedded inside each person is a unique set of gifts.

Read the following gifts that each mature type can offer the world. Add more from your own experiences.

1—Moral Integrity

Healthy 1s have an extraordinary ability to know how to do the right thing and make a positive difference in the world. They are willing to take a stand and make sacrifices, while being grace-driven, not guilt-driven.

2—Service

When 2s learn to give with an open hand and with humility, they can be of great service to their community and help other people thrive. They also allow others to serve them.

3—Genuineness

As 3s become more genuine, not trying to be more or less than they really are, they are available to lead others with honesty and humility as a non-competitive team, giving others the opportunity to share in the spotlight.

4—Beauty

Healthy 4s bring their emotional life into balance and become impressive personalities. They deal sensitively and passionately with real life, becoming and creating works of art as gifts to humanity.

5—Objectivity

When 5s harness their ability to detach, they are compassionate and perceptive listeners. They are able to share not only the riches of their minds, but also the depths of their hearts.

6—Courage

6s can overcome their fear in moments of crisis more easily than anyone else and become a stabilizing presence. They are inclusive and accepting of others, grounding people in reality and drawing out their emotions.

7—Joy

7s have the ability to find and spread joy in the face of and despite all the difficulties of life. At their healthiest, they are satisfied with very little, staying present in the moment, knowing there will always be enough for them and everyone else.

8—Protection

8s at their healthiest learn to trust and be good to the vulnerable child in their own soul. They are strong and have the power to inspire others to be heroic, impacting the world in important ways.

9—Healing

Mature 9s intuitively see all sides of an issue and are a comforting presence for peace in environments of conflict. They are steady, engaged, and dynamic in working for peace and healing in the world.

Do you recognize your warning signs? How can you use your gift in the world? Please share in the comments.

• Start here to begin learning your Enneagram number. 
• See the series index here.

Previous: Improve Your Relationships with Other Numbers on the Enneagram {Series #26}

Next: Your Cheat Sheet: Summary for Enneagram Types {Series #28}  

See how to improve your relationships with other numbers on the Enneagram. Approach each personality type in a way that suits them best.

Bring Out the Best

While we may all behave differently and approach life with different motivations, we all have this in common: we want our lives to have meaning and we all want to matter to someone else.

But keeping forming and keeping these relationships will look different, according to our personalities and life experiences.

As we interact with each other, it’s important to remember we are each created in the image of God, and we each express a different angle of that image. To see a fuller picture of who God is, we need to look at each other with godly vision.

Working to be the best version of ourselves is only part of the equation. We also need to help bring out the best in others.

The Enneagram is just one tool among many that we can allow God to use in our relationships. As you learn more about your own number, also be aware of the numbers of those you are in relationship with. [See How to Love That Other Number on the Enneagram.]

Learn how to blend together so you can form the healthiest partnerships. Out of these partnerships, you can then extend love and grace not only to yourself and each other, but to everyone around you.

Spiritual Practice #18—Relationship Tips Between Enneagram Types

The follow relationship tips are excerpted from Suzanne Stabile’s excellent book, The Path Between Us: An Enneagram Journey to Healthy Relationships. Read it to learn more about improving relationships between types.

Your Relationships with 1s, the Perfectionists

Remember that 1s struggle the most to accept there are things they have to accept.

• Tell them often that they are good and they are loved.
• Encourage them to take downtime.
• Admit your own mistakes in the relationship; be gentle when pointing out theirs.
• 1s like order; be respectful of how they want their spaces kept.

Your Relationships with 2s, the Helpers

Remember that 2s struggle with over-involvement in too many relationships.

• Help 2s connect with what they need and want from others.
• Listen to 2s as they process verbally; they don’t think things through but talk their way through them.
• Press a little deeper even when they say everything is fine.
• They want your honest feedback but remember they take things personally so be sensitive.

Your Relationships with 3s, the Performers

Remember that 3s struggle with slowing down and making friends with no expected outcome or tangible take-away.

• Let 3s know it is them you love, not their image.
• Try not to talk much about negative things. 3s are very optimistic.
• Lower your expectations for rehashing the past with them; they’re not usually interested.
• 3s appreciate your approval and praise so verbalize it often to them.

Your Relationships with 4s, the Individualists

Remember that 4s struggle with feeling lonely when others don’t “get them” like they’d like them to.

• Be authentic with 4s. They are suspicious of pretense.
• Don’t think you have to fix 4s. They are comfortable with melancholy and don’t need you to cheer them up.
• Let 4s knows how their mood changes affect you.
• Don’t accuse 4s of being too sensitive or of overreacting.

Your Relationships with 5s, the Investigators

Remember that 5s struggle to accept help, even when they need it.

• Be direct and specific with 5s about what you need, but don’t use too many words and don’t be demanding.
• Don’t push a 5 to socialize with others.
• To discuss a concern with a 5, give them time to think about it and limit the length of the conversation.
• If they need your help, offer it with as little fanfare as possible. 5s have a strong desire for independence.

Your Relationships with 6s, the Loyalists

Remember that 6s struggle with uncertainty and managing their anxiety.

• 6s ask many questions to get information; answer as many as you can to build trust.
• Be who you say you are with a 6. Give them reassurance about your commitment to them.
• Take 6s seriously when they are doing worst-case scenario planning, even while focusing on the best-possible scenario.
• Don’t tell them they don’t need to worry; they find it patronizing.

Your Relationships with 7s, the Enthusiasts

Remember that 7s struggle more than any other number to accept limitations.

• You’ll get frustrated if you try to force commitments out of 7s. They work better with flexibility and spontaneity.
• Don’t expect to process all your feelings with a 7. They don’t connect as easily with emotions as some other types do.
• Invite a 7 to teach you how to play more.
• Be attentive to the storytelling of 7s. It’s one way they share their feelings.

Your Relationships with 8s, the Challengers

Remember that 8s struggle to remember others aren’t as strong as they are.

• Don’t take their aggression or strong opinions personally. 8s are often unaware of how they come across.
• Acknowledge their contributions but don’t flatter them; they don’t need or trust flattery.
• Stand up for yourself, be direct, intense, and honest; 8s will respect you for it.
• Don’t talk behind their backs. If something is amiss, tell them directly.

Your Relationships with 9s, the Peacemakers

Remember that 9s struggle with thinking their voice matters.

• Encourage 9s to express their own preferences and make their own decisions. Avoid saying, “Don’t you think we should ___?” because they’ll always answer “Yes.”
• Give them some time alone. They need their own space and independence.
• Don’t interrupt when they are talking. Allow them to meander a bit.
• Communicate clearly and directly with 9s about what’s expected of them.

Here is another informative list on “How to Get Along with Other Enneagram Types.”

Are you struggling to understand someone you love that is another number on the Enneagram? Please share your thoughts in the comments.

• Start here to begin learning your Enneagram number. 
• See the series index here.

Subscribe to the blog here

Previous: Which Enneagram Types Go Best Together? {Series #25}

Next: A Wake-Up Call for Each Number on the Enneagram {Series #27} (coming February 27)

Which Enneagram types go best together? See the best/worst traits to watch for in each number in this Enneagram compatibility chart below.

Best Enneagram Types Together

“All relationships—those that truly matter and even those that don’t—require translation. And if our interest in relational growth and transformation is sincere, then the Enneagram is one of the most helpful translation tools available.”
– Suzanne Stabile

What number on the Enneagram would you get along best with? Worst?

Actually, there is no magic set of numbers that work best together. Ideally, you at your most mature self (whatever number you are) and your partner at their most mature self (whatever number they are) will be the most compatible.

However, some studies have been conducted to examine compatibility between Enneagram types and there are some preliminary conclusions.

With the caveat that solid research is still lacking, here are some highlights from a study of 457 couples of varying combinations. Read more about it here.

• A couple with each partner having the same number is rare (the only exception is 4 and 4).
• Men and women choose very differently. For example, male 9s and female 4s are often together, but not female 9s and male 4s.
• Couples aren’t correlated by gut, heart, or head preferences.
• The 4 most common pairings found (not necessarily successful) in this study: male 8 and female 2; male 9 and female 4, male 6 and female 2; male 9 and female 1.

Additionally, Richard Rohr gives a few basic pointers to help with relationships in The Enneagram: A Christian Perspective. Read more in the book.

1. Birds of a feather? No.
   It’s very challenging to be in a close relationship with someone with the same number, for a variety of reasons.
2. Good neighbors? Yes.
   Neighbors on the Enneagram circle can understand each other well, and help each other develop their wings.
3. Arrow types? Maybe.
   Sometimes two types connected by a line on the Enneagram are compatible, but other times not. (Read “Be a Healthy Number—Lines, Arrows, and Letting Go“)
4. Opposites attract? It depends.
   While wide differences may keep the relationship from boredom, they also bring a general lack of understanding. But with examination, that can also lead to a lot of growth.

The Enneagram Type Combinations: Enneagram Compatability Chart

Want more specifics?

The Enneagram Institute offers an interesting chart of “The Enneagram Type Combinations.” While no chart or person can accurately predict the relationship dynamics between two people, this model does give insights that may be helpful to you. 

More Than Couples

But relationships are more than couples.

We all have a variety of relationships: friendships, siblings, parent/child, coworkers, etc. All can benefit by understanding each other more clearly. Not to stereotype each other. Not to blame each other. But to accept each other.

It’s not about which type is better or worse. It’s about learning to work with and appreciate each other for the gifts they bring.

Then we gain greater understanding. And greater compassion for each other.

See Series #26 on February 26 for more specific advice on how to get along with other numbers on the Enneagram in any relationship.

Spiritual Practice #17—Best and Worst in Relationship

The best way to learn about another person is to listen to them and interact with them. However, reading about their type may also give you unique insights that you weren’t previously aware of.

As you read about the numbers of the people close to you (and yourself), pray that you will use the information to love them better. Each person is a unique child of God and deserves to be respected as God created them.

The following information is excerpted from the Christian counseling website, Safe Harbor.

1—Perfectionist 

• Ones at their best in relationship are loyal, dedicated, conscientious, and helpful. They are well balanced and have a good sense of humor.
• Ones at their worst in a relationship are critical, argumentative, nit-picking, and uncompromising. They have high expectations of others.

2—Helper 

• Twos at their best in a relationship are attentive, appreciative, generous, warm, playful, and nurturing. Twos make their partners feel special and loved.
• Twos at their worst in a relationship are controlling, possessive, needy and insecure. Since they have trouble asking directly, they tend to manipulate to get what they want.

3—Performer 

• Threes at their best in a relationship value and accept their partners. They are playful, giving, responsible, and well regarded by others in the community.
• Threes at their worst in a relationship are preoccupied with work and projects. They are self-absorbed, defensive, impatient, dishonest, and controlling.

4—Individualist 

• Fours at their best in a relationship are empathetic, supportive, gentle, playful, passionate, and witty. They are self- revealing and bond easily.
• Fours at their worst in a relationship are too self-absorbed, jealous, emotionally needy, moody, self-righteous, and overly critical. They become hurt and feel rejected easily.

5—Investigator 

• Fives at their best in a relationship are kind, perceptive, open-minded, self-sufficient, and trustworthy.
• Fives at their worst in a relationship are contentious, suspicious, withdrawn, and negative. They are on guard against being engulfed.

6—Loyalist 

• Sixes at their best in a relationship are warm, playful, open, loyal, supportive, honest, fair, and reliable
• Sixes at their worst in a relationship are suspicious, controlling, inflexible, and sarcastic. They either withdraw or put on a tough act when threatened.

7—Enthusiast 

• Sevens at their best in a relationship are lighthearted, generous, outgoing, caring and fun. They introduce their friends and loved ones to new activities and adventures.
• Sevens at their worst in a relationship are narcissistic, opinionated, defensive, and distract. They are often ambivalent about being tied down to a relationship.

8—Challenger 

• Eights at their best in a relationship are loyal, caring, positive, playful, truthful, straightforward, committed, generous, and supportive.
• Eights at their worst in a relationship are demanding arrogant, combative, possessive, uncompromising, and quick to find fault.

9—Peacemaker 

• Nines at their best in a relationship are kind, gentle, reassuring, supportive, loyal and nonjudgmental.
• Nines at their worst in a relationship are stubborn, passive-aggressive, unassertive, overly accommodating, and defensive.

What combination of Enneagram numbers are you in relationship with? Easy or hard? Please share in the comments.

• Start here to begin learning your Enneagram number. 
• See the series index here.

Previous: Shine a Light on 9 Ways We Lose Our Way {Series #24}

Next: Improve Your Relationships with Other Numbers on the Enneagram {Series #26} 

See the 9 ways (Passions) each Enneagram type can lose their way. And learn Bible verses to shine a light on them.

9 Ways We Lose Our Way

How do we lose our way? There are many roads we take that we mistakenly believe will help us reach our goals. But when followed to their extreme, they can lead us down darker paths, separating us from each other, from ourselves, and from God.

Each type is associated with a key path or “passion” on the Enneagram (also called the 9 Sins). These are the coping mechanisms we use to defeat our fears. But they hurt us more than help us.

Christopher Heuertz describes it this way:

“The Passions could be viewed like a small keychain flashlight used while lost in the middle of a forest. Though it may seem helpful because of the brightness of a simple light in the darkness, it is still an entirely inadequate lifeline.”

Let your little flashlight illuminate something you need to see in yourself.

The following descriptions are excerpted from The Wisdom of the Enneagram.

1 The Perfectionist

Passion: Anger (Resentment)

“Anger in itself is not the problem, but in Ones the anger is repressed, leading to continual frustration and dissatisfaction with themselves and with the world.”

2 The Helper

Passion: Pride

“Pride refers to an inability or unwillingness to acknowledge one’s own suffering. Twos deny many of their own needs while attempting to “help” others. This Passion could also be described as pride in one’s own virtue.”

3 The Performer

Passion: Deceit (Untruth) (Vanity)

“Deceit means deceiving ourselves into believing that we are only the ego self. When we believe this, we put our efforts into developing our egos instead of our true nature. We could also call this passion Vanity, our attempt to make the ego feel valuable without turning to our spiritual source.”

4 The Individualist

Passion: Envy

“Envy is based on the feeling that something fundamental is missing. Envy leads Fours to feel that others possess qualities that they lack. Fours long for what is absent but often fail to notice the many blessings in their lives.”

5 The Investigator

Passion: Avarice (Stinginess)

“Fives feel that they lack inner resources and that too much interaction with others will lead to catastrophic depletion.This Passion leads Fives to withhold themselves from contact with the world. Thus they hold on to their resources and minimize their needs.”

6 The Loyalist

Passion: Fear (Anxiety) (Angst)

“This Passion might be more accurately described as Anxiety because anxiety leads us to be afraid of things that are not actually happening now. Sixes walk around in a constant state of apprehension and worry about possible future events.”

7 The Enthusiast

Passion: Gluttony (Insatiability)

“Gluttony refers to the insatiable desire to “fill oneself up” with experiences. Sevens attempt to overcome feelings of inner emptiness by pursuing a variety of positive, stimulating ideas and activities, but they never feel that they have enough.”

8 The Challenger

Passion: Lust (Shamelessness)

“Lust does not only refer to sexual lust; Eights are “lusty” in that they are driven by a constant need for intensity, control, and self-extension. Lust causes Eights to try to push everything in their lives—to assert themselves willfully.”

9 The Peacemaker

Passion: Sloth (Laziness)

“Sloth does not simply mean laziness, since Nines can be quite active and accomplished. Rather, it refers to a desire to be unaffected by life. It is an unwillngness to arise with the fullness of one’s vitality to fully engage with life.”

Read more about the nine Enneagram Passions here.

Spiritual Practice #16—Learn Your Verse

Jesus spoke to them, saying, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”
John 8:12

Allowing God to shine light on our unconscious motivations can help us break unhealthy or addictive patterns we have developed.

Here are some individual lights from scripture that we can use to shine truths into our lives. They are combined from these online articles: Bible Verses to Overcome Each Enneagram Type’s Greatest Fear and The Perfect Scripture for Your Enneagram Number by Beth McCord.

Verses for 1s

• 2 Corinthians 12:9
  But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
• Psalm 86:5
  You, Lord, are forgiving and good, abounding in love to all who call to you.
  

Because of Christ in you, you are good. He makes you righteous.

Verses for 2s

• Romans 8:37-39
  No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
• Zephaniah 3:17
  The LORD your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.

Because of Christ in you, you are wanted and loved.

Verses for 3s

• Colossians 3:23
  Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters.
• Matthew 11:28-30
  Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

Because of Christ in you, you are valued for simply being yourself. You can rest in His accomplishments.

Verses for 4s

• John 15:11
  I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.
• Psalm 139:14 
  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

Because of Christ in you, you are special. You are seen, loved and valuable.

Verses for 5s

• Psalm 118:6-7
  The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me. The LORD is with me; he is my helper. I look in triumph on my enemies.
• Isaiah 40:31
  But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Because of Christ in you, you will always be replenished. Your needs are not a problem.

Verses for 6s

• Deuteronomy 31:6
  Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.
• Joshua 1:9
  Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.

Because of Christ in you, you are safe and secure. He is always with you and for you.

Verses for 7s

• Jeremiah 29:11
  “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
• John 4:14
  But whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.

Because of Christ in you, you can be completely satisfied. He has planned a magnificent future for you.

Verses for 8s

• Isaiah 52:12
  But you will not leave in haste or go in flight; for the LORD will go before you, the God of Israel will be your rear guard.
• Isaiah 41:10
  So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Because of Christ in you, you are protected. You will not be betrayed.

Verses for 9s

• 1 Peter 1:2
  You have been chosen according to the foreknowledge of God the Father, through the sanctifying work of the Spirit, to be obedient to Jesus Christ and sprinkled with his blood: Grace and peace be yours in abundance.
• Ephesians 2:10
  For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Because of Christ in you, your presence matters. God sees you and created you for a specific purpose.

Does your passion describe you? How have you learned to reroute it? Please share in the comments.

• Start here to begin learning your Enneagram number. 
• See the series index here.

Subscribe to the blog here

Previous: The Most Important Thing About You {Series #23}

Next: Which Enneagram Types Go Best Together? {Series #25} 

What is the most important thing about you?

It’s more than anybody can understand.

Your Spiritual Identity

“Spiritual identity means we are not what we do or what people say about us. And we are not what we have. We are the beloved daughters and sons of God.”
– Henri Nouwen

We learn a lot from the Enneagram about ways we connect, what we fear, how we cope.

It is important to be aware of those things.

But those things aren’t the most important things about us.

The most important thing about you and me? We belong. We matter. We are hand-designed.

We are each so loved by God. It’s the best thing about us.

Please share your thoughts in the comments.

• Start here to begin learning your Enneagram number. 
• See the series index here.

Subscribe to the blog here

Previous: Each Enneagram Type on Their Day Off and Week 3 in Summary  {Series #22}

Next: Shine a Light on 9 Ways We Lose Our Way {Series #24}