Lisa notes

When you’re not sure if you should say something, ask yourself these three questions.

1. Is it true?
2. Is it helpful?
3. Is it kind?

1. TRUE

Obviously we want to speak truth. Whatever comes from our mouth should be trustworthy. That doesn’t mean we always get things right; each person is wrong on a daily basis about something.

But if our goal is to be honest, others can at least trust our intent.

Yet we also don’t need to spew out every thought we have. That would violate the second principle:

2. HELPFUL

Sometimes speaking our truth is not helpful to the other person. It could unnecessarily tear them down or squash their spirit, and serve no purpose.

In those situations, keeping quiet might be more helpful than speaking up.

That doesn’t mean we avoid telling the truth to each other when it’s needed. But if we just want to get something off our chest, and it serves no benefit to the other person, maybe that thing doesn’t need to be said.

And the third test for our words is critical. . . 

3. KIND

Basically, if we’re not kind, it won’t matter what words we use. Nobody will listen. We’ve lost all credibility.

In this age of divisiveness, online and in person, over politics, covid, religion, etc., we especially need kindness to be mixed in with our truth and helpfulness.

• Kind in tone
• Kind in intent
• Kind in approach

As the apostle Paul said, without love, our words are just noise.

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Which do you need to work on with your words: true, helpful, or kind? Share in the comments.

Read More:

• It’s Ugly Out There
• Empathize with the Hurt
• Is This Your Tone?

You are on Day #10 of the series: Find Your Mantra {28 Daily Mantras}

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“It is what it is” {Mantra 9}

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“Take one step” {Mantra 11}

Is this the way you want it to be?

Sometimes we fight reality. We don’t want things to be as they are. Our brains can’t accept it.

So we create alternate realities in our head. We unconsciously make up stories to explain what we perceive is happening.

We want to relieve the cognitive dissonance. [See how we blind ourselves to the truth, and what we can do about it.]

While this may feel comfortable in the short run (or not, depending on the story we’re telling ourselves!), it’s an unhealthy way to live.

Accepting reality as it is, whether good or bad, is a healthier and more honest way to live.

“When we can let go of how it is supposed to be, we can finally relax and be more peaceful with the way it is.”
– Susan Jeffers

It is what it is.

But even when we know it’s best, accepting reality isn’t always easy.

• It’s embarrassing to face up to our mistakes.
• Accepting that a relationship has changed is hard.
• Realizing something is out of our control is frustrating.

But we create extra suffering on top of suffering when we refuse to see things are they are. We get stuck in bad habits. We imagine false scenarios. We’re inhibited from taking appropriate next steps.

Granted, it’s impossible to fully know the truth about anything. Only God can do that.

But as much as is possible, accepting “it is what it is” will better position us to receive healing and to grow forward.

As Jesus said,  

“Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes” (Matthew 6:34, The Message).

Like it or not, tomorrow will be different. Live in today, even as we use today to straighten out mistakes from the past and to make things better for the future.

This is where God is most present. This is where God is now working. This is what we need to accept.

Right now it’s like this.

It is what it is.

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Some people lean toward the past; I think too much about the future. Is it hard for you to stay in the day, too? Share in the comments.

Read More:

• 4 Lessons on Living in the Now
• Are Things Really Worse Now?
• Is Your Head in the Sand?

You are on Day #9 of the series: Find Your Mantra {28 Daily Mantras}

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“Tell something personal” {Mantra 8}

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“Is it true? Is it helpful? Is it kind?” {Mantra 10}

Who Wants to Know?

Why would anyone want to know this about me?

That question often keeps me quiet. I don’t want to bore people with my details. If they don’t ask, I might not tell.

But telling even small things about ourselves can enhance our relationships. It can help us feel closer to each other.

Especially when that little detail is something the other person can relate to.

Tell something personal.

But Use Wisdom

Granted, be judicious with your personal information.

• Don’t give away your credit card number.
• Don’t spread pet peeves about your partner.
• And don’t even go on and on about your latest vacation to someone who is clearly bored.

Being a chatty Cathy won’t win you many friends. People need you to listen to them, too.

Don’t Be Stingy

But don’t be too stingy with yourself. The best relationships involve talking and listening, giving and taking.

A current personal thing for me?

I’ve been having a crisis of expectations the past few months. I’ve been questioning who I can trust and who I can’t with my personal information. Sometimes it’s obvious, but other times it’s confusing. I’m praying for clarification and wisdom.

It has felt excruciating.

But it has also been freeing. When I let go of unrealistic expectations about a friend, I also let go of bitterness and disappointment. And then I’m free to love them again with fewer strings attached.

In the end, it’s a welcome release. For everybody. 

Humble and Connected

Telling something personal can be a positive move away from pride and independence. And one step closer to humility and interconnectedness.

So when the mantra “Tell something personal” pops up as a reminder on my calendar every two weeks, I give it some thought.

And find a way to open up again.

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Where do you fall on the privacy spectrum? Share in the comments.

You are on Day #8 of the series: Find Your Mantra {28 Daily Mantras}

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“Empathize with the hurt” {Mantra 7}

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“It is what it is” {Mantra 9}

When You Disagree

I see her Facebook post. I disagree. How could she think this???

My mind starts thinking of all the things I can write in the comments. Doesn’t someone need to let her know she is wrong? In a nice way, of course. 

But the more I think it through, the more I realize none of those things would help.

I remember instead:

Empathize with the hurt.

At the Bottom? Pain

Underneath our anger, cynicism, confusion, you’ll often find pain.

Maybe that’s what we should be looking for.

I’ve had friends do this for me lately. A lot. Instead of discussing our theories on this or that, they look at my soul and see my pain.

• They sit down beside me.
• They listen to my hurt. 
• They tell me they love me. 

And I feel better.

Empathy or Sympathy?

Empathy feels much different than pity. Empathy is even different than sympathy. 

Empathy is best.

According to Brené Brown in her new book Atlas of the Heart (I highly recommend it!), we often give just sympathy when we’re focused on our own discomfort more than on the other person’s distress.

“Sympathy is removed: When someone says, ‘I feel sorry for you’ or ‘That must be terrible,’ they are standing at a safe distance. Rather than conveying the powerful ‘me too’ of empathy, it communicates ‘not me,’ then adds, ‘But I do feel sorry for you.’”

But empathy feels close. Empathy communicates “me too.”

But what if we haven’t been in the same situation as our friend who needs our empathy?

Brené Brown says, 

“Empathy is not relating to an experience, it’s connecting to what someone is feeling about an experience.”

And we all can do that. 

Even for ourselves. When no one else is giving you the support you’d like, empathize with yourself.

Jesus empathizes with you. He knows your pain. Jesus came in the flesh to tell you “me too.” Hear his empathy through the voices of others and through his Spirit living inside you as you empathize with yourself.

The Hurt, Not the Argument

My fingers hover above my keyboard. I’m rethinking how I should respond to my friend’s Facebook post.

Yes, there are some facts and figures I can argue. But within her status, she is revealing a deep hurt. 

It is the hurt that needs healing, not the facts that need correcting.

I craft my response to her differently with this in mind. Although there are occasions when we must discuss the issues at hand, this isn’t one of those times. In this case, those facts aren’t pertinent; they’re just peripheral. I release them.

Instead, I zero in on her hurt. To let her know I’m listening. I’m seeing. I’m with her in this.

Sometimes that’s what matters the most.  

That’s the kind of friend I like to have. So that’s the kind of friend I need to be.

Empathize with the hurt. 

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Do you have friends who see your pain and empathize? Share in the comments.

Read More:

• Don’t Look Away
• Who’s Needy? I’m the Needy Too.
• Sit with the Pain

You are on Day #7 of the series: Find Your Mantra {28 Daily Mantras}

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“I don’t know” {Mantra 6}

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“Tell something personal” {Mantra 8}

I know, I know. We like to KNOW things. (And as an Enneagram 5, I really like to know things.) It makes us feel safe and smart. 

But there’s more that we don’t know than we do know.

So we might as well get used to saying this, and saying it a lot:

I don’t know.

Sometimes admitting we don’t know is what leads us to knowing.

When we’re uncertain, we’re more teachable, more tolerant, and more adaptable. In our uncertainty, we give God something to work with.

In the pause, in the lingering space between answers, it’s quiet.

And in the quiet, away from the chaos, untethered from the chain of certainty, we can better follow God’s guidance.

Maybe we still won’t know for awhile.

But unless we admit we don’t know, we may never know.

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How often do you say, I don’t know? Share in the comments.

Read More:

• How Much Do We Need to Know?
• Don’t Rush to the Answer – Linger in the Pause
• Repeat After Me: “I don’t know!”—Because Nobody Knows It All About COVID-19

You are on Day #6 of the series: Find Your Mantra {28 Daily Mantras}

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“Bad things happen to everyone. So do good things” {Mantra 5}

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“Empathize with the hurt” {Mantra 7}

Why do bad things always happen to me?

Have you ever asked yourself that? I confess I sometimes throw a good pity party and the question comes up.

But the truth is: bad things happen to everybody. But good things happen to everybody, too. 

Yes, we all have friends like my friend Teresa. For awhile, she had one bad thing after another happen in her life. We wondered why she could never catch a break.

But if you talk to Teresa today, she’d tell you that good things also happened along the way.

If you feel like you’re in a string of bad luck, just hold on. Good things will follow (and usually coexist). That’s just the way life is.

Matthew writes that Jesus said,

“Your Father lets the sun rise for all people, whether they are good or bad. He sends rain to those who do right and to those who do wrong” (Matthew 5:45).

So do expect the rain.

But also expect some sunshine.

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You are on Day #5 of the series: Find Your Mantra {28 Daily Mantras}

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Are you in a sunny season or a rainy season? Share in the comments.

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“That’s interesting. Tell me more.” {Mantra 4}

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“I don’t know” {Mantra 6}