Lisa notes

4 Keys to Make and Keep a BFF {Stranger Than Fiction}

By LisaNotes November 14, 2022 Books I Recommend, Community 10 Comments

To what lengths would you go to find a new best friend?

Making a new friend as an adult is different than as a kid. I’ve done it. I’m glad I have. It’s rewarding.

But making a new adult friend doesn’t always come naturally or easily. Neither does keeping one. And especially not a best friend. 

This week’s theme for #NonfictionNovember is Stranger Than Fiction. Visit the linkup at at Christopher’s blog for more recommendations on nonfiction books that almost don’t seem real.

Here’s the book I’m recommending that almost doesn’t seem real:

MWF Seeking BFF
My Yearlong Search For A New Best Friend
by Rachel Bertsche

The author Rachel is a MWF (Married, White, Female) who moved to Chicago, leaving her friends behind in New York City. She was lonely in her new city. She knew she had to do something.

Rachel says,

“Popular culture has made it okay to yell ‘I want a man!’ from the rooftops, so why are we still embarrassed to say, ‘I want a best friend’?”

She formed a plan: make 52 friend dates, one per week for a year, to find her new BFF (Best Friend Forever).

“I was nervous everyone would think I was either really pathetic or really annoying, but so far they’re mostly flattered. People want friends, they’re just embarrassed to ask for them.”

Personally, I could never do this project. I’m not made for it. I lack the emotional, mental, and physical energy for a scheme this outlandish. I’d just stay lonely if this were my only option.

Maybe that’s why this book was so intriguing to me. How could someone actually do this???

But Rachel does it. She seeks out 52 people to spend time with in 52 situations. She creates a spreadsheet to keep track. 

She learns things along the way about friendship from her encounters. She shares those insights in her book.

Thankfully, we can glean from her insights about making and keeping friends without taking on a challenge like hers.

4 Keys to Make and Keep a BFF

Here are 4 lessons you can glean from Rachel’s year-long experiment to find her new BFF.

1. TELL SOMETHING PERSONAL

Rachel says,

“Friendship intimacy starts with self-disclosure—sharing personal information you wouldn’t tell just anyone—and reciprocity, meaning if you tell her your secrets, she better tell you hers.”

To get closer when making a new friend, be vulnerable in sharing your stories. And invite your new friend to share her stories, too. (Granted, until you know who you can trust, don’t start with your deepest, darkest secrets.)

[Read my thoughts here: The Two Things Your Friendships Need to Survive]

2. GIVE SUPPORT

But just swapping secrets isn’t the point. When I’m vulnerable in conversations, I want appropriate responses and interaction. I appreciate friends who believe in me and say so. And vice versa. 

Rachel says true friends aren’t just two people talking side by side in parallel monologues. They participate in a dialogue. Don’t just listen to each other; provide support. 

3. SHOW UP IN PERSON

I know we introverts or you busy-busy-people like to just type words on a screen. That’s fine for the in-between times when we can’t get together, but typed words usually can’t carry the weight of a true friendship. Face to face is best.

But when you can’t meet in person, consider this hierarchy: Phoning with video (Facetime, Zoom, Skype, etc.) is better than phoning with only voice, but even a voice call is better than texting (Rachel’s advice from John Cacioppo).

In person > Video call > Voice call > Text/email > Silence

This has proven true for me especially this year as I navigate a rough season of life.

4. MAKE THE TIME

It’s tempting to offer “Let’s do lunch!” to lots of people. But unless you have the time/motivation to pick a time and follow through, you may be hurting more than helping your friendships by an empty promise.

Be realistic. We don’t have time to be best friends with everybody. We have to prioritize.

“Friendship brings responsibilities and obligations. If you’re tending too many, you may not have time to get really close to any of them.”

Rachel says if there’s one single factor that can turn a potential BFF into a real BFF, it’s consistency. We consistently make time for those we care the most about.

Rachel’s adventures on her friend-dates in this book are amusing. But her entertaining stories aren’t just fluff.

Making and keeping friends (whether good friends or best friends) can change your life.

Of the 4 keys (1-Get personal, 2-Be supportive, 3-Show up, 4-Make time), which is easiest for you in friendships? Which one is hardest? What would you add to the list? Share in the comments.

More Book Recommendations on Friendships:

  • Plays Well with Others: The Surprising Science Behind Why Everything You Know About Relationships Is (Mostly) Wrong by Eric Barker
    This book contains MUCH helpful and scientifically-based information on relationships of all kinds, written in a very relational and easy-to-read format.
  • Share Your Stuff. I’ll Go First by Share Your Stuff. I’ll Go First.: 10 Questions to Take Your Friendships to the Next Level by Laura Tremaine
    My book club recently finished this book together. It gave us lots of conversation starters and paths into sharing more details about our lives. We learned new things about everyone. 
  • The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You’re Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate by Harriet Lerner
    This is a great book on encouraging you to use your voice. Without meaningful conversations, relationships can’t grow.

The End Is Where We Start Again
—Grace & Truth Linkup

By LisaNotes November 11, 2022 Encouragement, Grace & Truth Link-Up 10 Comments

Start and Stop and Start and Stop

You move through your day doing this and doing that. And it all runs together.

But even within a day, even within an hour, there are multiple starts and stops, beginnings and endings.

Sometimes we’re aware of them. It’s obvious when we begin eating lunch and when we stop. We know when we begin our drive to work and when we’ve arrived.

Yet how often do we think of these as mini-beginnings and endings? Do we honor these multitudes of first times and last times?

About to Pass

I’ve noticed several of my online friends have a final child in high school this year. Or have one about to move away from home. These moms are keenly aware that an era is about to pass. They’re paying close attention to the little things. They long to make the best of these final opportunities with their kids before they leave home.

I remember those bittersweet seasons, too. While you want your baby birds to grow up and be independent, you mourn how quiet your nest will be when they’ve flown away. And yet you also look forward to your own freedom to fly in and out without child rearing responsibilities.

Life is a series of beginnings and endings. And beginnings again.

We may not always recognize them as such. But when we do, let’s celebrate and grieve and grow and cry and change and build and all the other things that come with living a life of purpose and meaning.

I believe God’s love rests underneath each life, holding us, motivating us to take in a fresh breath this moment, and let out an exhaling breath in the next.

Each ending is a new beginning. 

As T.S. Eliot wrote,

“What we call the beginning is often the end
And to make an end is to make a beginning.
The end is where we start from.”

The end is where we start again

Do you feel you’re more in a beginning or an ending in this season? Share in the comments.

Grace & Truth Featured Post

Maryleigh heard this recently from her youngest:

“You only have two months to cook for me, Mom.”

Her son is about to move away for a year. It stirs up the emotions.

Read Maryleigh’s poignant reflections here at her blog, AND get the recipe for her “I love you” cake (also known as her “My Baby’s Grown Up” cake, “You Got a Job” cake, etc).

“Change Coming Means It’s Time to Bake”

Then link up your own blog posts below.

I’m linking at these blog parties

Review the rules here about adding your most recent Christian Living posts and how to be the Featured Post. Visit all four hosts social media here or websites here: Maree Dee, Lisa notes, Lauren Sparks, Tammy Kennington.

Now Let’s Link Up!

You are invited to the Inlinkz link party!

Click here to enter

Be Creative to Know God More

By LisaNotes November 9, 2022 Encouragement 6 Comments

We pick up rules before we have a chance to question them.
~ Ellen Langer

This Is What?

What is this?   [* answer below]

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(a) wet/dry sander
(b) cigarette roller
(c) miniature dog sled
(d) bacon press

This object sat before us on the table. We were playing the Liar’s Game. Four people were taking turns to explain—confidently but contradictorily—the object’s name and its use.

But only one definition was true. The crowd would vote which one was correct.

We didn’t know we were practicing mindfulness.

Creativity Is Mindful

Are you creative? Then you’re also mindful. So says Ellen Langer in chapter 7, “Creative Uncertainty,” in her classic book Mindfulness.

Much of creativity comes through asking questions, looking for new ways of doing things, and finding unusual uses for usual objects.

But creativity dies when we automatically accept the status quo.

When I travel, I pack clothespins. I know I’ll need to play “What is it?”.

  • Didn’t eat all the popcorn? The clothespin becomes a bag clip.
  • Book won’t stay open on the beach? The clothespin is a page holder.
  • Curtains don’t meet to block outside light? The clothespin is a curtain closer.

I long to create. It’s part of being made in God’s image. It’s part of knowing God more, showing Love more.

If I fail to exercise the creative part of me, I fail to be in touch with a part of God. And I want to touch all of God that I can.

And I need you too as well. Because I can’t see all aspects of God on my own. Neither can you.

We can see more of God together than we can see alone.

Let Your Creativity Breathe Out

When asked how he found his melodies, the composer Johann Sebastian Bach said, “The problem is not finding them, it’s—when getting up in the morning and getting out of bed—not stepping on them.”

As God breathes creative expression into your soul, nurture it.

Don’t smother your creativity.

Maybe you won’t compose piano masterpieces or paint great works of art, but you can:

  • approach old problems with new solutions
  • find beauty in everyday objects
  • see God in the person beside you

Or maybe you can even publish a blog post to the world.

We each can create.
We each can be mindful.
We each can share a new angle of God with each other.

Be creative to know God more

* What was the object above?

(b) My grandfather’s Brown and Williamson Cigarette Roller

Did you guess it correctly? How do you practice your creativity? Share in the comments.

For more on this topic, I recommend Ed Cyzewski’s book Creative Renewal: : An Invitation to Make Stuff and to Stop Clicking Stuff (and right now it’s free on Kindle Unlimited!).

revised from the archives

Pair Your Nonfiction and Fiction Books

By LisaNotes November 7, 2022 Books I Recommend, Reading 11 Comments

While I do love a meaty nonfiction book, I also love a great novel. Often it’s the fiction stories that grab our hearts to make us care about the nonfiction information.

So on this Week 2 of Nonfiction November we are pairing nonfiction books with fiction books. Find more pairings here with Rennie at What’s Nonfiction.

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4 Pairs of Nonfiction and Fiction Books

Here are four combinations I recommend from books I’ve read this year.

1. NONFICTION

A. Stories I Only Tell My Friends
An Autobiography
by Rob Lowe

Even though I’ve been a fan of Rob Lowe through the years, I picked up this autobiography with low expectations. I was delightfully surprised. He tells interesting stories with a lot of humility.

FICTION

B. A Tale for the Time Being
by Ruth Ozeki

Nao, a 16-year-old in Tokyo, writes a journal of her life. Then sends it anonymously into the world. It’s discovered by Ruth, a novelist on a remote island, who then wonders if she should take action on it.

2. NONFICTION

A. The Wisdom of Your Body
Finding Healing, Wholeness, and Connection Through Embodied Living
by Hillary L. McBride

Even though I know better, I still fight feelings of shame about my body’s imperfections. This book helped me make more peace with my body instead.

FICTION

B. All That Fills Us
by Autumn Lytle

Mel Ellis has an eating disorder. To recover, she decides on the spur of the moment to hike across America. My ordered mind had quite a few problems with the logistics of this premise. But it opened my eyes to the complexities of eating disorders.

3. NONFICTION

A. Cultish
The Language of Fanaticism
by Amanda Montell

This fascinating book focuses on how words can heavily influence people for good or for bad, and in this case, for bad.

FICTION

B. Sins of the Tribe
by Mark A. Salter

The fictional Bastille University has a powerhouse football team. And its fans are cultish in their devotion. But what happens to the tribe when they lose their long-time coach?

4. NONFICTION

A. Shaking the Gates of Hell
A Search for Family and Truth in the Wake of the Civil Rights Revolution
by John Archibald

John Archibald’s father Robert Archibald was a Methodist preacher. When John looks back at his childhood, he has questions about his father’s and the church’s response to the civil rights revolution happening all around them. Beautifully written.

FICTION

B. The Last House on the Street
by Diane Chamberlain

Kayla Carter’s new house is attracting unwanted attention. When she looks back into the history of the neighborhood, she finds secrets of racism and violence. A riveting story told in dual time periods.

Pair your nonfiction and fiction books

What nonfiction book would you pair with a fiction book? Share your thoughts in the comments.

Read More: 

When You Doubt Your Memories
—Grace & Truth Linkup

By LisaNotes November 4, 2022 Encouragement, Grace & Truth Link-Up 14 Comments

no images? click here

When You Doubt Your Memories

Am I Remembering Wrong?

Flustered, I sat fidgeting on my couch. The doubts were flooding in.

Did I or did I not?

Someone was questioning a specific incident in our mutual past. So I began questioning it, too.

Maybe it wasn’t like I had remembered?

As my memory wobbled, I wished it was instead like an airplane black box, the flight recorders that objectively document the history of a flight (they’re no longer black, btw, but bright orange).

Black boxes keep track of cockpit conversations, instrument warnings, engine sounds, etc. While not 100% perfect, they are reliable enough to record and preserve valuable information in the present for someone to use in the future.

Human memories, however, are undependable. They are fickle. They change over time. And they often skew disproportionately in our own favor.

What Really Happened

For better or worse, we have no instant replays for our lives. We can’t see backwards in perfect detail.

Despite the funny yet cringey Progressive Insurance commercials, we can’t throw a challenge flag and watch a replay of what really happened when we disagree over memories.

Watch this commercial on instant replays. Can you relate, too?

Video - Life Jackets Replay

Absent my own instant replay machine, I couldn’t trace down the specific incident in question. But I did what I could that afternoon at home to confirm my overall memories.

  • I opened my email and searched through past conversations.
  • I moved to the bedroom and dug through a box of old cards.
  • I pulled scrapbook after scrapbook off the office bookshelves for more documentation.

Bit by bit, page by page, I felt comforted. Maybe my memories weren’t flawless, but they were still sound.

Outside evidence provided enough proof for me about the past in general. I could begin trusting my gut again. The reminders showed me wonderful times, even amidst hard days.  

Love and joy and God were indeed present then. I don’t have to doubt it now.

Even if I can’t remember the exact details.

Do you ever question your memories, too? What are your reminders? Share in the comments. 

Grace & Truth Featured Post

Our featured post this week is from Carlie. Looking back at old homeschool yearbooks, she was reminded of God’s unwavering presence in her life. She encourages us, too, to take time to remember God’s work in our lives.

Read all of Carlie’s post here at her blog, then link up your own blog posts below.

“Why a Homeschool Yearbook Is Good for My Soul”

Thanks for sharing, Carlie. Here’s a button for your blog.

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I’m linking at these blog parties

Review the rules here about adding your most recent Christian Living posts and how to be the Featured Post. Visit all four hosts social media here or websites here: Maree Dee, Lisa notes, Lauren Sparks, Tammy Kennington.

Now Let’s Link Up!

You are invited to the Inlinkz link party!

Click here to enter

On the Blog—October 2022

By LisaNotes October 31, 2022 Archives No Comments

Here are brief summaries and links to posts on the blog, Lisa notes, in October 2022.

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See previous months’ archives here