Lisa notes

What Your Most Unlikely Friendship Can Teach You

By LisaNotes June 9, 2025 Community, Compassion, My stories, Relationships 27 Comments

“Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.”
— Arthur Ashe

Remember the Connections

I’ve missing my quirky friend Violet. Last month marked one year since she died. A couple Fridays ago would have been her 57th birthday.

Violet wasn’t always an easy friend. But she was an unforgettable one.

She lived with more than her fair share of challenges. Upon meeting her years ago (maybe 2004?), I immediately saw she had learning disabilities, a speech impediment, and a childlike naïveté about life.

2012 at Manna House

But she also had joy. None of her hardships stopped her from connecting with anyone, anywhere. If she met you today, in the first five minutes, you would find yourself telling her:

  • Your birthday
  • How old you are
  • Your favorite music

And the next time she saw you? She’d remember those. (Not me—I struggle to just recall names.)

2016 at Kings’ Banquet

Violet loved birthdays and music. Especially Elvis Presley, whose birthday—she’d tell you—was January 8. I think she loved him because her mama loved him. And Violet loved her mama. She also loved Hall & Oates. Charley Pride. Any 70s and 80s pop band.

If an oldie came on the radio when we were together in the car, I could trust Violet to accurately tell me who was singing it. Sometimes I’d think,

There’s no way she can know that.

And I’d google the song. But sure enough, she was always right.

Violet also loved her brother, cheering for Auburn football (War Eagle, Violet! but no, we probably won’t beat Alabama this year), playing Candy Crush on her tablet, listening to Pandora on her phone, and eating Moose Tracks ice cream in her apartment.

What Friends Give You

Being around Violet often restored my faith in humanity. Why? Not only did she place an innocent trust in most people, I also saw most people respond to her with patience and gentleness.

I’ll never forget the kind bank clerk who helped us set up a new account. Violet wanted the clerk to understand—over and over—how many years that she and I had been friends. Violet would turn to me and ask,

“How long have we known each other? 12 years?”

And each time, I would reply,

“Actually it’s been about 20 years!”

Violet would repeat that to the clerk. Over and over and over. The exact conversation, sometimes just a minute apart.

Yet each time, the clerk showed appropriate amazement, as if she were hearing it for the first time.

That moment, among many others, reminded me that people can be quite generous when given the opportunity.

2024 at the eye doctor – she enjoyed talking to everyone but hated the exams

When Friendship Isn’t Easy

Not everything was smooth though. Sometimes we got on each other’s nerves. Like those days when she would call me 30, 40, maybe 50 times in a day. Mainly just to say that:

  • Someone we knew had died (maybe last week or maybe 3 years ago)
  • Or to tell me a storm was coming tomorrow
  • Or to ask if I could get her some Reese’s Pieces the next time I was at the store

Because of Violet, I learned how to do things that I’d never done before. Like navigate food stamps. Track down missing Social Security checks. Fill out a Medicaid application.

And in Violet’s final months, I had to learn how to guide around a blind friend who couldn’t grasp what was happening (which is how I often felt myself).

2024, “Cheers!” on move-in day at her new home after she lost her sight

I did none of those things exactly right. I fumbled many times. And often had to call for help myself.

I felt overwhelmed by Violet’s conditions. And very sad. Yet also frustrated. I couldn’t convince her to try healthier foods or wash her socks or stretch the carton of ice cream over multiple nights instead of eating it all at one time.

But worse, I couldn’t keep Violet from dying.

2024, final photo I have of Violet, one week before she died, with our sweet friend Kay

Things You Can’t Fix

I innocently hoped that a single simple eye procedure would restore Violet’s vision. And with it, bring a brand new sparkling life for her—finally living where she could be taken care of, being served three good meals every day, and discovering a hallway full of new birthdays.

But after the first, then the second, and even the third surgery all failed to restore her vision—not even in the smallest way—she faded fast.

The good life I’d wanted for her future years here wasn’t possible after all. And there was nothing I could do about it.

Instead of getting to see Violet’s life change, it was my life that was changing.

  • I became more aware of my ignorance of how people live with disabilities.
  • I recognized how much privilege I had been born with.
  • I learned that compassion means little if it stays in the heart—it must move through the body, stepping into spaces where love becomes action.

To quote the writer/artist Mary Anne Radmacher, I also learned that:

“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.’“

So thank you, Violet.

For loving me and letting me love you. For building more courage in me than I knew I had. For the days you gave me to try again tomorrow.

You taught me that love doesn’t have to be perfect to be powerful.

Many people loved Violet powerfully. Many people continue to miss her today.

I am one of them.

Who in your life has taught you things you didn’t know you needed? Share your thoughts in the comments.

Read more friendship adventures here:

27 thoughts on “What Your Most Unlikely Friendship Can Teach You”

  1. Martha J Orlando

    Oh, Lisa, Violet’s story struck such a deep chord of empathy and sadness within me. I know this must have been difficult for you to share, but I’m so glad you did. May we all be resolved to find friends in the most unlikely ways, and reach out to those who need us as a friend. Blessings!

    Reply ↓
  2. Terri Lyon

    What a lovely tribute to your friend! You obviously made a huge connection with Violet, and what a gift you gave each other. Thank you for sharing your story and reminding us what a gift friendship is and how we learn and grow with the help of our community.
    Best wishes,
    Terri

    Reply ↓
  3. Liz Dexter

    That’s a beautiful piece, thank you for sharing it with us. This really chimed with me: “I learned that compassion means little if it stays in the heart—it must move through the body, stepping into spaces where love becomes action.” I have a friend who has become disabled with a long-term auto-immune condition and I’m always happy to pop round and sort out what I can for her if it’ll give her peace and comfort. She gets upset I do “so much” for her (I don’t really) so I try to point out the sort of spiral of support there is: my friend down the road takes my cartons to the recycling and gives me lifts, runs more slowly than she would naturally so I get to do canal runs, etc.

    Reply ↓
    1. LisaNotes Post author

      What a help you must be to your friend, Liz. That is beautiful. I love your “spiral of support” – that’s what sustained me too. As I helped Violet, someone else would help me, and round and round it goes. We’re all connected! Thank you for sharing this.

      Reply ↓
  4. Jennifer Wise

    Lisa, I love this so much. What a beautiful experience and friendship. We can learn so much from each other. Isn’t it a blessing that we’re not all the same!? When I read your title, a friend of mine immediately came to mind, and before I started reading, I thought of the things I appreciate about her even though she can be difficult. I wouldn’t trade it! Thank you for sharing Violet with us today. Visiting from the Love Your Creativity linkup.

    Reply ↓
    1. LisaNotes Post author

      I’m glad this brought to mind a friendship in your own life, Jennifer. Yes, it really is good that we’re all not alike – even though there are times I wish everyone thought like me! ha. But what a boring life it would be if they were. 🙂

      Reply ↓
  5. Donna

    Learning to do things that we have never done before is a very valuable lesson. A definitely agree that life would be boring (and a bit redundant) if we were all the same. <3

    Reply ↓
    1. LisaNotes Post author

      I agree, Donna. The lessons are valuable even when we’d rather not be learning them. (It reminds me of days when I didn’t want to take piano lessons as a child, but I am glad now that my mother insisted!)

      Reply ↓
  6. Linda Stoll

    I am sorry for this deep loss, Lisa. I have a Violet in my life. And while she has often drained me and left me without words, she has added a depth of compassion that I probably wouldn’t have arrived at on my own.

    Thank you for sharing her story. Thank you for being her friend, her champion, her encourager.

    Reply ↓
    1. LisaNotes Post author

      May you be blessed in the relationships with your “Violet” too, Linda. I’d love to hear that story sometimes. Thank you for what you’re doing. ❤️

      Reply ↓
  7. Joanne Viola

    Lisa, what a beautiful tribute to Violet. You are so right – we truly learn to love deeply through those who challenge us. Thank you for sharing this story as your words have challenged me today. May God bring you His comfort as you reflect on your friend!

    Reply ↓
    1. LisaNotes Post author

      Thank you, Joanne. I agree with you that the hard things are often such valuable things. There were definitely things I didn’t want to go through with Violet, but looking back, I’m so glad I did.

      Reply ↓
  8. Maryleigh

    My cousin’s daughter had intellectual disabilities – but, oh, my – her spirit was so very close to heaven. She impacted my life with her unconditional, exuberant love – and it brought my heart closer God’s kind of love. She died of cancer three years go – and it has so broken our hearts. The absence of her love in the lives of those she touched – well, she made us feel closer to heaven when she was here. I am so sorry for the loss of your friend who, it sounds like, made you feel closer to heaven, too, with her pure heart.

    Reply ↓
    1. LisaNotes Post author

      I can hear such love in your words as you speak about your cousin’s daughter. ❤️ She sounds like she was a gift to many. I’m sorry for the pain you all feel in her absence. You’re right that special people do bring us closer to heaven. Thank you for sharing, Maryleigh.

      Reply ↓
    1. LisaNotes Post author

      Thanks, Debbie. It’s amazing how much we can learn (and learn about ourselves) when opportunities call us to rise to the occasion. I’m grateful for the opportunities Violet gave me to grow. She was definitely one of a kind.

      Reply ↓
  11. Jean Wise

    oooo Lisa. this post made me cry. How lovely. and my word of the year too – courage. and so much love….What a beautiful story. She taught you and us so much!!

    Reply ↓
    1. LisaNotes Post author

      Thanks so much, Steph. I am especially grateful for friendships that develop in unexpected places and times. Those often teach me the most about life and myself. Violet definitely did that for me.

      Reply ↓
  13. Dianna

    You know, Friend, I have often wished that I could “see” Violet after reading one of your posts that you’d written about her…and today, I’ve had that opportunity. What a very potent post about how the ripple of Friendship was used to teach you to step out of your safety zone. HE has many things to teach us in this life, if only we will watch and then follow Him in obedience. Thank you for being one who did both those things. I know it made a difference in Violet’s life. xx

    Reply ↓
    1. LisaNotes Post author

      Thank you for your kind words, Dianna. And I’m glad you got to finally “see” Violet. You would have loved her. Through caring for her, I definitely had to step out of my comfort zone and grow in ways that I didn’t really want to. But I’m glad that I did. Love has a way of doing that. ❤️

      Reply ↓

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *