Lisa notes

I’ve been a fan of Nate Bargatze for awhile—a clean comic with big eyes and a slow Southern drawl.

So when I saw he’d written a book (and narrated it himself), I was excited.

But curious. Because as Nate admits at the beginning of his book, Big Dumb Eyes: Stories from a Simpler Mind, he doesn’t even like to read books:

“You might be a little nervous opening these pages, because I am very on the record about not liking to read books. How it never lets up, and there’s just more and more words until it’s like, ‘What are you talking about? Please, just make it stop.’”

So to make it easier on his readers, Nate includes a few blank pages in his book every few chapters or so:

“. . .to help you keep your head above water, just in case you’re crazy enough to read the book from front to back, which I don’t even know if that’s allowed. And I promise you there will not be lots of big words, because—I’m sorry, “’cause”—I don’t like them.”

I listened to the audiobook, so for the section of blank pages, he’d substitute about 30 seconds of elevator music. Even that was funny.

What Makes This Audiobook Work

I admit I usually don’t want authors to read their own books. I love professional readers who are articulate and change voices seamlessly for each character.

But for this book, I wanted to hear Nate reading it himself. His comedic timing and inflection bring the stories to life. Because I’m also from the south like Nate is, I had no problem understanding his accent. (If you’re not from down here, though, I won’t promise the same for you.)

“Take any word that you say, and I probably say it different. Like ‘boil’ is really ‘bowl.’ Though come to think of it, I don’t think ‘boil’ is actually in the book. But I do bowl. Whatever. Just read it in my voice and you’ll have way more fun.
If you haven’t actually heard my voice before, I talk slow. It doesn’t feel slow to me. But you are not me. And I am not you.”

I didn’t always laugh out loud the way I do during his stand-up, but I was well-entertained and amused by Nate’s stories about growing up and growing into a comedian.

Should You Read/Listen to It, Too?

I recommend it for you if you’re overwhelmed by life, if you’re in need of an easy listen, or if you simply want a funny book. I used it as a great palate cleanser after stressful days of heavy news in the world.

If you make it to the end of the book, Nate will offer you a heartfelt congratulations. And if you read it all in one sitting, he’ll give you this gentle admonition:

“You should probably move around some more. Or sprinkle in some other healthier activities, like watching TV.”

Want a Preview of Nate?

Big Dumb Eyes is not a literary masterpiece—it’s not meant to be that. It’s Nate Bargatze being himself, in his own hilarious, self-deprecating way.

And sometimes, that’s exactly what we need.

If you’ve never seen or heard Nate, watch this 1-minute video of him unboxing his book and apologizing for making you read a book he wrote.

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Are you a Nate fan, too? Share your thoughts in the comments.

My thanks to NetGalley and Hachette
Audio for the recording of this book

Is Forgiveness Required for Healing?

If you were asked, “Is forgiveness required for someone to recover from a trauma?”

You might instinctively answer, “Of course! You can’t fully heal if you don’t forgive.”

But might reality be a bit more nuanced?

In You Don’t Need to Forgive: Trauma Recovery on Your Own Terms, psychotherapist Amanda Ann Gregory delivers a more refined message: forgiveness is not a requirement for healing from trauma.

Instead, Gregory presents forgiveness as a choice—one that shouldn’t be forced, rushed, or assumed. If you or a survivor you know has ever felt pushed to “forgive and forget,” this book can feel quite spacious.

Drawing on research and the lived experiences of survivors (including her own experiences), Gregory dismantles the assumption that forgiveness is a universal milestone in trauma recovery. She emphasizes safety, agency, and emotional processing as the real foundations of healing.

“Forgiveness is not required to recover from trauma, but safety is.”

Granted—and do hear this—Gregory does NOT say that forgiveness is bad. In fact, she still recommends forgiveness as a helpful tool. She just say it’s not necessarily a requirement for recovery.

She sees forgiveness as elective, not obligatory, citing situations where people have healed equally well with or without forgiving their offender.

A Compassionate Reframing of Recovery

Gregory writes that many trauma survivors actually feel alienated when they are pressured to forgive, either for moral or therapeutic reasons. She says this pressure, while often well-meaning, can:

• Undermine recovery
• Encourage unsafe reconciliation
• Shame survivors for having anger, fear, or grief

Obligatory forgiveness can lead to what Gregory calls “cheap forgiveness.”

“Forgiveness in the wake of trauma requires time. Forgiving an offender can take months, years, or a lifetime. Premature forgiveness—also called cheap forgiveness—is when we forgive without going through the emotional processes necessary in order to forgive authentically.”

More holistically, Gregory suggests that forgiveness can instead be one tool among many for trauma recovery.

Key Insights from the Book

1. Trauma Recovery Begins with Safety

• Safety isn’t just about being safe—it’s about feeling safe.
• Trauma disrupts our ability to assess safety accurately.
• No true recovery—or authentic forgiveness—can happen without it.

“You cannot live a fulfilling life when you feel unsafe.”

“Feeling is just as crucial in trauma recovery as being.” 

2. Forgiveness Is a Choice, Not a Milestone

• Authentic forgiveness is slow and cannot be rushed.
• Premature forgiveness can cause harm.
• Some survivors never forgive and still fully recover.

“Forgiveness is less something one does and is more something one undergoes.”

“You can experience acceptance without forgiving your offender(s).” 

3. Acceptance Can Be Just as Powerful

Gregory introduces acceptance as a legitimate endpoint—or waypoint—in healing:

• Acceptance doesn’t mean condoning harm.
• It means releasing the emotional hold the past has on you.

“Acceptance is not forgiveness… but it is one of the most essential experiences in recovery.” 

4. Social Pressures Can Be Damaging

Gregory explores the cultural forces that complicate forgiveness, especially for women:

• Women are often expected to be “good victims”—quiet, forgiving, compliant.
• Forgiveness is sometimes used to silence survivors or rush their healing.
• It can even lead to unsafe reunions with abusers.

“Forgiveness can lead to reconciliation, which may jeopardize a survivor’s safety.”

“Forgiveness is not a substitute for justice, and indeed it is often an obstacle to it.” 

5. Emotional Processing Can’t Be Skipped

One of the most practical takeaways is this: you cannot bypass emotional work.

• If forgiveness is used to suppress anger, grief, or fear, those emotions will return.
• Emotional processing is essential—and often longer-lasting than we expect.

“You may have tried to forgive so you could let go of uncomfortable anger… However, you cannot truly relinquish your emotions without first experiencing them.” 

Who Should Read This Book

You Don’t Need to Forgive isn’t a book for everyone, but it could prove helpful for:

• Trauma survivors and those working with them
• Friends and family looking to better support survivors
• Anyone reevaluating the role of forgiveness in their healing journey

Gregory’s philosophy of allowing space for unforgiveness is a paradigm shift. It acknowledges the complex reality of trauma recovery and shows there is no one-size-fits-all approach to healing.

Recovery isn’t a hard science; it is full of gray areas. So staying open to questions can also open a wider array of possibilities, forgiving or not.

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What are your thoughts on forgiveness? Share in the comments.

Explore more: 

• Is Forgiveness Always Necessary? When My Kindle Starts a Debate
  Reading these 2 books on forgiveness at the same time is challenging me to sit with opposing perspectives, reminding me that wisdom often lies in holding questions rather than rushing to answers.
• See Everything. Forgive Much. Judge Little. {Mantra 3}
  Be less offendable and you’ll have less to forgive.
• Stop Protecting Your Reputation
  It matters more who you are than who others think you are. Stop trying to protect your reputation.

My thanks to NetGalley for
the review copy of this book