Lisa notes

This is the final edition of How to Mark the Moment, a series based on Chip Heath and Dan Heath’s book, The Power of Moments: Why Certain Experiences Have Extraordinary Impact. This week we look at the fourth element of how to create a powerful moment, “Moments of Connection.”

If you’ve ever felt disconnected from your work or a group or a friend, you know how uncomfortable it is. Sometimes you feel lost at how to reconnect.

But below is concrete advice from authors Chip Heath and Dan Heath. This is the fourth element from The Power of Moments:

Create moments of connection.

To Connect with a Group

1. Create a synchronized moment in person

We are familiar with many of these: graduations, weddings, meetings. But we don’t have to wait for momentous occasions to create a moment. Just don’t do it with regular remote communication; share something together in person.

The book tells about a special hospital all-staff meeting assembly that was life-changing for the employees.

“The staffers who attended the All-Staff Assembly absorbed some critical messages from the situation: This is important. (Our leaders wouldn’t rent all the buses in a city for something mundane.) This is real. (They can’t back off the things they said when 4,000 of us heard them.) We’re in this together. (I see a sea of faces around me, and we’re all on the same team.) And what we’re doing matters. (We’ve recommitted ourselves to a purpose—caring for those in need—that is bigger than any of us.)”
– Chip Heath, Dan Heath

2. Invite shared struggle

“If you want to be part of a group that bonds like cement, take on a really demanding task that’s deeply meaningful. All of you will remember it for the rest of your lives.”

We can likely all relate to this. Maybe it was a church mission trip overseas. Or walking alongside a family through tough times. Or an important school project.

“People will choose to struggle—not avoid it or resist it—if the right conditions are present. The conditions are: The work means something to them; they have some autonomy in carrying it out; and it’s their choice to participate or not.”

3. Connect to meaning

Groups need to be reminded of their true purpose. It’s easy to forget it in the day-to-day minutiae.

The book differentiates in particular between passion and purpose. Which would you think is more critical?

While we prefer to have both passion and purpose, studies show that purpose inspires us the most.

“The outcome is clear. Purpose trumps passion. Graduation speakers take note: The best advice is not “Pursue your passion!” It’s “Pursue your purpose!” (Even better, try to combine both.)

Passion is individualistic. It can energize us but also isolate us, because my passion isn’t yours. By contrast, purpose is something people can share. It can knit groups together.”

When purpose seems lacking, it’s important to dig deeper for meaning. Ask yourself a series of “why’s”: why you joined the group in the first place, why it was formed, and why it should continue. Then ask another layer of why after why until you get to the root of your purpose.

To Connect with an Individual

1. Be responsive

A critical element in healthy relationships is responsiveness.

“Our relationships are stronger when we perceive that our partners are responsive to us.”

Responsiveness means:

• we feel understood,
• we feel validated,
• and we feel cared for.

And vice versa.

A doctor in the book is quoted as asking her patients not just, “What’s the matter?” but “What matters to you?” The responses can be quite different and intensely meaningful.

It doesn’t have to take years for a relationship to become intimate. It can happen in a short period of time with the right moments.

2. Take turns

The book recommends this 36 Questions app (I haven’t looked at it) from Art Aron’s 36 Questions experiment. By taking turns asking and openly responding to a series of questions over the course of an hour, even total strangers can develop a real connection.

“Responsiveness coupled with openness leads to intimacy. It happens via ‘turn-taking.’”

Benefits of Connection

By taking the time to intentionally engage in meaningful moments, almost all relationships can improve.

It doesn’t take special get-aways or skills or money, but just a willingness and effort to take action.

Because we all want to hear this . . .

“This is important. This is real. We’re in this together. And what we’re doing matters.”

* * *

Who do you need to reconnect with this week? Please share in the comments.

The Four (EPIC) Elements of Marking the Moment:

• Intro – How to Mark the Moment (Oct 11)
• E – Moments of Elevation (October 18)
• P – Moments of Pride (October 25)
• I – Moments of Insight (November 1)
• C – Moments of Connection (November 8)

This is part 4 of 5 posts, How to Mark the Moment. It’s based on Chip Heath and Dan Heath’s book, The Power of Moments. This week we look at element 3, “Moments of Insight.”

Element 3, Moments of Insight

Want to Be Stretched?

• Sometimes we wish our pants would stretch after a heavy dinner.
• Or that a family member would stretch their political views.
• Or that we could stretch past our same old fears.

So how can we stretch others or ourselves?

Stretching often comes from moments of insight, a third element in The Power of Moments.

Moments of Insight – Deliver realizations and transformations.

But we can’t exactly create an insight; we can’t manufacture an epiphany.

However, we can set up the environment for an insight to happen.

“Often, what looks like a moment of serendipity is actually a moment of intentionality.”

If you’ve ever wanted someone to understand your point of view, but you can’t get it across, or wanted an aha! moment to help you make a decision, here are some tips that can help you.

To Stretch Others, Show Something

If there’s something you want another person to see, telling them doesn’t always work. They need to see it for themselves.

Authors Chip Heath and Dan Heath suggest this:

Set up an environment so the person trips over the truth.

First, make the problem really clear. People need to understand a problem before they’ll look at the solution. When a group of researchers wanted a remote village in India to understand that their poor sanitation practices were creating sickness, they staged a walk with the villagers to all the places they used as public restrooms.

They had to discover the problem themselves to believe it.

Second, only through a series of activities along the way, did the villagers finally see for the first time how devastating their hygiene habits were, and were thus open to a solution.

Likewise, if we have something we want to teach, we also would be more successful if we could do this:

Design activities so they’ll catch their foot (or brain) on something and then stumble over the truth themselves.

Don’t just share findings; replicate the discovery.

To Stretch Yourself, Take a Risk

But if we’re the ones in the dark, we can’t replicate the discovery if we don’t yet know what it is.

So how can we stretch ourselves? The Heath brothers suggest this:

Put yourself in a situation that exposes you to a risk of failure.

We’re more likely to have an aha! moment outside our comfort zone. We don’t grow from only head knowledge; we need to take action.

“Action leads to insight more often than insight leads to action.”

We don’t have to do it alone. We can invite other people to push us outside ourselves: trainers, coaches, mentors, pastors. They can hold us to higher standards, assure us when we doubt, give us direction and support when we’re uncertain.

“What may be counterintuitive is that self-insight rarely comes from staying in our heads. Research suggests that reflecting or ruminating on our thoughts and feelings is an ineffective way to achieve true understanding.”

But ultimately the decision is still ours:

To grow, push toward risk, not away.

Taking risks don’t always pay off in the way we’d like. The result may not be a success as we’d normally define it. But even a failure can teach us something.

“Better to take a risk, try something, and distill the answer from experience rather than from navel-gazing.”

This story is shared in The Power of Moments about a child remembering her father’s question at the dinner table:

“When Blakely and her brother were growing up, her father would ask them a question every week at the dinner table:

‘What did you guys fail at this week?’”

‘If we had nothing to tell him, he’d be disappointed,’ Blakely said. ‘The logic seems counterintuitive, but it worked beautifully.’”

Blakely’s father wanted to normalize failure as proof that at least his kids were trying new things. And that failing was okay.

“His attitude taught me to define failure as not trying something I want to do instead of not achieving the right outcome.”

Trust God with Your Moments

Although The Power of Moments doesn’t speak directly to faith issues, as believers in God we can see this spiritual truth: when we step out in faith, we show God we trust him. Not just trust him for successful outcomes, but trust him with all our moments. And that grows our faith.

No one wants to stagnate; we all want to grow. But growth requires us to put ourselves out there. Experience more, go in new directions, enlarge our circles.

By learning to stretch for moments of insight, we can influence the lives of others and our own.

“The promise of stretching is not success, it’s learning.”

* * *

What’s an aha! moment you’ve had? Have you had a mentor who helped you grow? Please share in the comments.

The Four (EPIC) Elements of Marking the Moment:

• Intro – How to Mark the Moment
• E – Moments of Elevation
• P – Moments of Pride
• I – Moments of Insight
• C – Moments of Connection