10 Myths (And Realities) About That Fight You Just Had With Your Partner

Why is this happening to me?

Something has gone terribly wrong. Tears are falling now. Doesn’t he realize how painful this is?

It was a weekday morning, post-retirement. My husband Jeff was piddling around the house when he got a grand idea: he would clean out the toy closet today.

It sounded like a wonderful idea. We’d talked for weeks about the need for it.

But an hour later, why were we arguing about it? Why was I now crying about it?

How You Fight

Like many fights between long-term partners, the fight wasn’t really about the problem at hand.

As Julie and John Gottman write about in their excellent new book, Fight Right, a classic fight between partners is often about . . . almost nothing.

Every relationship has conflict. That’s normal. Humans are going to get angry with each other. (If you never have conflict in a relationship? It might be a sign you’re not close.)

What matters isn’t that you fight. What matters is how you fight.

Top 10 Myths About Conflict

In Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection, the Gottmans lay out their top ten myths about conflict.

Here are the 10 myths in brief. They go into much more detail in the book.

See if you recognize your latest fight in one of these.

• Myth #1: Once we find a solution to the big fight we’re having right now, we’ll be all set—no more fighting!
  Reality: Most conflicts are perpetual.
  ~
• Myth #2: If conflict exists in our relationship, we’re not supposed to be together.
  Reality: Conflict is unavoidable, even for the happiest of couples.
  ~
• Myth #3: A conflict is a problem to be solved.
  Reality: We manage most of our conflicts through continuing dialogue—we don’t resolve them.
  ~
• Myth #4: One of us is right, and one of us is wrong.
  Reality: Both partners’ experiences and points of view are valid.
  ~
• Myth #5: Men are more logical than women; women are more emotional than men.
  Reality: Logic and emotion do not have genders.
  ~
• Myth #6: The best conflict management is logical, rational, and unemotional.
  Reality: Neuropsychological research has shown that emotions and logical thinking are intertwined when it comes to problem-solving. One can’t problem-solve well without information derived from one’s emotions.
  ~
• Myth #7: Negative emotions are bad and should be avoided.
  Reality: There is nothing wrong with anger. What matters is how anger is expressed.
  ~
• Myth #8: Nobody can hurt you unless you let them.
  Reality: We can and do hurt each other.
  ~
• Myth #9: You have to love yourself before you can love somebody else.
  Reality: We all have enduring vulnerabilities—triggers, traumas, wounds that may never fully heal—and these vulnerabilities may lead us to not perfectly love ourselves.
  ~
• Myth #10: To be “allowed” to have needs, we have to justify or explain them.
  Reality: Human beings are pack animals; we are built to have needs, as our needs bind us together and help us thrive…together.
  – from Fight Right, by John and Julie Gottman

Start Softly

To fight right, the Gottmans say to start softly. In 97% of our fights, the first three minutes of a fight set the tone for the rest of the conversation. If we start harshly, we immediately put the other person on the defense, which is a horrible start.

Instead, start this way:

“I feel (emotion) about (situation/problem) and I need (your positive need).”

And if you’re the one on the listening side? They say your first job is to fully understand the complaint.

• Ask clarifying questions.
• Summarize what you hear.
• Make sure you understand.
• Avoid defending and rebutting.

Then as you continue the discussion:

• Stick to one issue at a time.
• Focus on this situation only.
• Be curious.
• Stay as positive as possible.
• Be the best version of yourself you can be.

Solve the Moment, Not the Whole Conflict

“During a fight, you don’t have to solve the whole conflict. In fact, you shouldn’t try. Instead, solve the moment.

“We can disagree and still be on each other’s side. In conflict, your mission is to allow yourself to be vulnerable.

“This is what ‘solving the moment’ is all about—reframing the goal at this stage of conflict so that your primary objective is to find out more about what your partner is thinking and feeling and needing, and express that yourself before trying to progress to persuasion and compromise.”

The Gottmans say we may need to recalibrate the goal for a fight:

“The goal is not to win. The goal is not to persuade your partner of something. The goal is not to come up with a solution to the problem. Right now, the goal is not even to find a compromise! (This is coming later.)

The goal is to fight with more positivity than negativity.“

And if you become overwhelmed in the middle of it all? Ask to take a break from each other—from 20 minutes to 24 hours. Just commit to returning to the conversation, and preferably with an open mind.

After the fight, the Gottmans list ways to make repairs. “It’s one of the main things that separates the masters of love from the disasters.” You’ll find them all in the book.

Closeness for the Win

With Jeff and me that morning, we finally figured out that our arguments weren’t really about where to store the Clue game, whether to donate the extra blocks or not, or how many puzzles to keep.

It wasn’t about those things at all.

Instead, it was about what the cleaning the toy closet represented to me, which was an immense loss and grief. With each toy, I associated a memory of good times past with our own daughters, and a sadness that not all my grandchildren are here now to play with the items.

Once I took responsibility for and exposed my vulnerable emotions, the arguing went away. We still didn’t agree on which shelf to keep the Play-Doh, but now we understood it didn’t really matter.

We felt close again.

We had solved the moment.

Have you read Fight Right? I highly recommend it!

Which myth do you need to stop believing? Share your thoughts in the comments.

My thanks to Netgalley and Rodale
for the review copy of Fight Right.

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