Why My Friend Never Says “Calm Down”
When Panic Takes Over
My friend answers the phone. It’s a stranger in distress.
The caller is having a medical emergency. His words overflow in a panic—fear, confusion, details that don’t quite matter.
I’d be tempted to interrupt with, “Calm down. I can’t understand you.”
But that’s one thing my friend does NOT say.
Because she knows it doesn’t help.
This is her job. She works for a medical answering service. She knows exactly what to do.
She also knows that people in crisis usually can’t “just calm down” merely because someone tells them to.
When our nervous system gets flooded with stress hormones, the emotional part of our brain takes over. It’s biology. In those moments, people don’t need someone to tell them to be rational. Hearing that advice might actually make it worse, causing more frustration, making them feel dismissed.
What they need is someone who can remain steady alongside them until they can think clearly again on their own.
A Steady Presence
So on the call, my friend falls back on her training. She shows empathy, but she remains focused on her role: get help for the person in need.
In a reassuring tone, she asks the right questions about the caller’s symptoms so she can determine if this is a life-threatening emergency that should go directly to 911 or if the situation needs another solution. She makes sure they understand any next steps they need to take. She gathers their callback information.
She gently but firmly keeps the conversation focused on what matters most.
I’ve never heard her on one of these calls, but I can imagine why she’s so good at her job. I know how well she listens to me when I’m upset. She asks good questions. She gives me reassurance. She doesn’t dismiss my feelings.
She never tells me to “just calm down.”
She simply stays with me until I do.
Some Things Don’t Need to Shift
As I continue to work this year with my One Word—Shift—I’m looking at the many things that change in life. Some shifts we make ourselves; others happen without our permission.
But some things don’t need to shift.
Some things are worth protecting, kept just as they are.
My friend’s ability to stay focused on what matters most in a crisis reminds me of the kind of person I want to be.
I want to listen well.
I want to ask good questions.
I want to stay focused on the main thing.
And I want my presence to communicate what my friend’s steady presence communicates to me: even when life keeps shifting, love doesn’t have to.
What helps you when you’re overwhelmed? Share your thoughts in the comments.