Why My Friend Never Says “Calm Down”
When Panic Takes Over
My friend answers the phone. It’s a stranger in distress.
The caller is having a medical emergency. His words overflow in a panic—fear, confusion, details that don’t quite matter.
I’d be tempted to interrupt with, “Calm down. I can’t understand you.”
But that’s one thing my friend does NOT say.
Because she knows it doesn’t help.
This is her job. She works for a medical answering service. She knows exactly what to do.
She also knows that people in crisis usually can’t “just calm down” merely because someone tells them to.
When our nervous system gets flooded with stress hormones, the emotional part of our brain takes over. It’s biology. In those moments, people don’t need someone to tell them to be rational. Hearing that advice might actually make it worse, causing more frustration, making them feel dismissed.
What they need is someone who can remain steady alongside them until they can think clearly again on their own.
A Steady Presence
So on the call, my friend falls back on her training. She shows empathy, but she remains focused on her role: get help for the person in need.
In a reassuring tone, she asks the right questions about the caller’s symptoms so she can determine if this is a life-threatening emergency that should go directly to 911 or if the situation needs another solution. She makes sure they understand any next steps they need to take. She gathers their callback information.
She gently but firmly keeps the conversation focused on what matters most.
I’ve never heard her on one of these calls, but I can imagine why she’s so good at her job. I know how well she listens to me when I’m upset. She asks good questions. She gives me reassurance. She doesn’t dismiss my feelings.
She never tells me to “just calm down.”
She simply stays with me until I do.
Some Things Don’t Need to Shift
As I continue to work this year with my One Word—Shift—I’m looking at the many things that change in life. Some shifts we make ourselves; others happen without our permission.
But some things don’t need to shift.
Some things are worth protecting, kept just as they are.
My friend’s ability to stay focused on what matters most in a crisis reminds me of the kind of person I want to be.
I want to listen well.
I want to ask good questions.
I want to stay focused on the main thing.
And I want my presence to communicate what my friend’s steady presence communicates to me: even when life keeps shifting, love doesn’t have to.
What helps you when you’re overwhelmed? Share your thoughts in the comments.
I love your concluding statement, Lisa – so true! And I so admire your friend for the difficult job she does day in and day out. That sure takes a special and patient person. Blessings!
I second what Martha says here, Lisa! And I’m so glad you have a friend like that when life gets overwhelming. Love and blessings of strength and peace!
I saw a meme or something somewhere that said, “Never in the history of calming down has anyone calmed down by being told to calm down.” I admire your friend’s ability to stay calm, listen, and ask good questions.
What a precious friend you have, Lisa. She sounds amazing. When we are upset, we need those folks in our lives who are steady and are willing to listen.
This is such great advice. Love this post. I hate it when people tell me to calm down; it just makes me feel worse, and like I am overreacting, when I’m not. I would love it if you would come and share this at my new monthly Sharing Serenity link party at https://serenityyou.com/sharing-serenity-link-party-july-2026/
I always have much admiration for our emergency answering services Lisa, it is not an easy job at all! But such an important one.
I actually recently wrote a post on feeling overwhelmed – my first go to is prayer & then I enjoy pottering.
If it’s in an emergency situation my own years of professional experience instantly click in, staying calm & focused, on what needs to be done & get it done quickly & proficiently.
Blessings, Jennifer
This is such an important message! It seems as though I am always trying to change things with words and thoughts that really need a more encompassing kind of presence. Thanks to your friend for teaching by her example.
Lisa, such a great post, and a wonderful reminder to listen and be present with anyone in such a stressful situation. I found this article to be very helpful:
https://www.sharethestruggle.org/blog/what-is-patience/
Many blessings!
This is so so true. Calm down does not help but someone being present, listening and asking the correct questions and guiding is what we need.
Thank you for sharing with us at SSPS 419. See you soon, and do not miss checking what’s new tomorrow, July 16
Interesting how we can take a skill used in an entirely different situation and use it to help something in a new way. Sometimes I can actually feel the “shift” within me when I go into nursing mode or spiritual director listening. A smooth and helpful transition. I will probably be even more attuned to this after reading your example today. Thanks Lisa!
I don’t react well to someone telling me to calm down because I don’t feel heard or seen in my current state, that’s also why I try not to do it myself and listen. I doubt I alway succeed, but I try.
Maybe we would all do well with some of that professional training.
Lovely post! This is the kind of friend we all need and need to be.
What a beautiful lesson you have learned from your friend…” even when life keeps shifting, love doesn’t have to”. I needed to hear this today. I must STAY connected to God, in order to keep myself on track.
“Even when life keeps shifting, love doesn’t have to.” Such a tremendous thought, Lisa. I’m so thankful for my best friend of over thirty plus years. Even though our schedules prevent us from seeing each other regularly, we can pick up like nothing during our times of fellowship and feel encouraged and inspired afterward. May we always lean into the Holy Spirit in sharing that Christlike love for one another
This is such good advice. It’s so tempting to tell others to “calm down” but when have I ever responded well to someone telling me that? Seldom! It’s a different context but I’ve been trying to learn how to ask better questions and be an attentive listener, so I like this reminder that I can and should do that when the person I’m listening to is in a bit of a crisis. Visiting from ST&F today.
Great lesson Lisa. I love this >”even when life keeps shifting, love doesn’t have to.” It’s so true.
Thanks bunches for sharing with Sweet Tea & Friends this month.