When My Gift Is Trusting Your Decision: Keeping Two Cents in My Pocket
The Longing for Something Else
Our friend has been wanting to move for a long time.
She’s been unhappy in her neighborhood. Restless. Disturbed. Ready for something quieter, greener, and more spacious. But her options have been limited.
So when she told us last December that a perfect opportunity had opened up, we were excited for her. A friend had offered her an empty room in the country with a beautiful view and calm surroundings.
She was thrilled.
And we were happy for her.
But also heartbroken for ourselves. Because we knew what it likely meant: we would probably never see her again.
The Goodbye That Wasn’t
A few weeks ago, on a Monday afternoon, we said our teary goodbyes. It felt heavy and final. We were grateful for our years-long friendship but already grieving the loss to come.
Then the next Monday, when we went back to her apartment complex, our friend was still there.
And the next Monday.
And the next.
Of course we were thrilled for ourselves. But also confused.
She didn’t offer many details. Just that she was waiting. Making sure. Trying to discern whether it was truly the right move.
And that’s when the real work began for us.
The Hard Work of Staying Quiet
The hard work is not prodding her, encouraging her to make the “right” decision to move while she can.
It would be so easy to:
- Say what we would do
- Point out the obvious benefits
- Tell her she’d be crazy not to take the opportunity
It takes discernment to know when to speak up and when to be quiet. Sometimes our advice is sound and proper to offer.
But in this case, with this friend, our advice is not what she needs. It’s our respect.
She is older than we are. Wiser. A survivor of trials we don’t even know about. She knows her own mind and is fully capable of making her own decisions.
Our advice wouldn’t actually help her.
It would only help us feel helpful.
When Helping Means Stepping Back
Sometimes helping means stepping back.
Sometimes love looks like keeping your two cents in your own pocket.
Sometimes the most generous thing you can offer another person is trust.
Trust that they don’t need your fixing.
Trust that their timing is not yours to control.
Trust that they know what is right for themselves.
I recently came across these words that Parker Palmer published ten years ago. But the sentiments are evergreen:
“Here’s the deal. The human soul doesn’t want to be advised or fixed or saved. It simply wants to be witnessed — to be seen, heard and companioned exactly as it is.
When we make that kind of deep bow to the soul of a suffering person, our respect reinforces the soul’s healing resources, the only resources that can help the sufferer make it through.”
– Parker Palmer, The Gift of Presence, The Perils of Advice
Witnessing. Not advising.
Therein lies our gift.
If She’s Still There on Monday
So next Monday, when we return to our friend’s neighborhood, if she is still there—still waiting, still discerning, still undecided—I hope we’ll simply be glad to see her again.
No hinting.
No nudging.
No advising, even out of concern.
Just presence. And delight. And the gift of saying, without words, “We trust you.”
And big hugs all around.
A Question for You:
Sometimes our advice is welcomed and needed. Other times, we need to keep our two cents in our own pocket. How do you discern the difference?
I’d love to hear your wisdom in the comments.
- What If This Moment Is Asking for a Different Pace?
- This Is What He Remembers About Me? (Is It Still True?)
So much wisdom here, Lisa. I know from experience that sometimes the help we give someone can lean more heavily in the direction of making ourselves feel better than trusting that the other person will take the path that’s right for them. Difficult to see the difference when we’re in the thick of it. Appreciate your thoughts.
Thanks, Linda. I agree that sometimes we’re just helping ourselves when we offer our advice. And yes, it is hard to figure that out, though, in the thick of things. I often notice it after the fact, which isn’t particularly useful at that point, except to know to offer an apology… 🙂
We definitely need to step back and think before we offer advice to anyone, Lisa. Our two cents may be the last thing this friend needs to hear from us. It puts his or her needs above our own and does show respect in so doing. Wondering what your friend will ultimately decide?
I agree with you, Martha. And I’m wondering too what my friend will decide! And I’m also curious what is going on in the other person’s mind, if she is still as enthusiastic about her offer. But I’m keeping those thoughts to myself for now. 🙂
A very true post Lisa, to answer your question; I simply wait until I’m specifically asked for advice & then am very discerning in how much advice I give at that.
For most people just need a listening ear & to be really heard, because deep down they already have the answer even if they don’t realise it at the time.
And giving unsolicited advice just places a further burden upon an already heavy load of emotions for them.
blessings, Jennifer
Much wisdom in your words, Jennifer. It would smooth over many issues in relationships if more of us could follow your example…
Discernment is the key, isn’t it? I’m not always good at keeping my two cents in my pocket, but I do try to view the person’s character and their past history of decision making and how it’s turned out for them. I am blessed by the fact that you looked at the friend’s age and respected her own decision making. xx
I see you as one of those wise women that I wouldn’t question either, Dianna. You have a lot of experiences under your belt, and I would trust your discernment. I appreciate how gentle you are with your words online, and I’m just certain you’re that way in person as well. ❤️
Beautiful and wise, Lisa. Quiet presence is a present. I know you know my mother is very ill, and I know that people mean well, but sometimes I just need to be heard, loved, and respected. Unrequested pat advice right now is not what I need. I don’t criticize, b/c I truly know “they” mean well, but still . . .
You are the kind of friend who listens, and I’m grateful.
I pray your friend will receive the discernment she needs to do what is best for her, and I know you will give her that freedom.
xo
Lynn
Oh, Lynn. I’m so sorry that you get unsolicited advice about your mom’s care, even though I agree with you that people likely mean well. For some reason, people bring out all their suggestions when it comes to physical illnesses, as I’m sure you’re already aware of due to her vertigo. Granted, we do want to hear good advice when it’s helpful! But when you’ve already done the research and are under good medical care, you don’t really need to hear all the millions of options out there of remedies to experiment with. Blessings to you and your family as you walk out this season of illness with your sweet Fern. Love you.
Thank you for sharing so much wisdom here, Lisa. You are such a good friend to discern she needs respect rather than advice. Sometimes unsolicited advice can make burdens all the more heavy. I love the quote, too! Love and blessings to you and also to your friend!
Great reminder with this post, Lisa. I read the other day – you don’t need an opinion on everything. so true. Actually made me feel lighter reading that. Keep our mouth shut is a good spiritual practice too.
Hi, Lisa…
Thanks so much for presenting this feature in our Wonderful Wednesday Blog Hop! I always love reading your submitted features, but this one in particular really made a “home in my heart”… Keeping my 2 cents in my pocket is certainly like walking a razor’s edge at times when you are supporting family or friends in their life journeys. I truly appreciate you offering such wonderful insight on shifting my motivation from intentional helping to intentional trusting…
With love & gratitude…
… Denise Wilbanks | This Is My Everybody
Lisa this is phenomenal!! It used to be so hard for me to keep my mouth shut. But as I age it’s easier. Sometimes all someone needs is our ear. I’m learning that just showing up , being fully present, and actively listening is sometimes appreciated more.
Thanks so much for sharing with Sweet Tea & Friends this month.