Review of Tim Hawkins’ book, Diary of a Jackwagon
Some funny things make you say, “That’s funny.” That’s fine.
But if something is really funny, you’re too busy laughing to say, “That’s funny.” It’s just obvious.
There are many funny things in Tim Hawkins’ new (and first) book, Diary of a Jackwagon. But then there are moments when I couldn’t even read a section out loud to Jeff because I was laughing too hard. That’s when you know it’s funny.
I kept waiting for the definition of “jackwagon” in the book since it’s in the title. I never saw it; I guess I was supposed to already know. Jackwagon is an insult implying laziness or worthlessness. [Watch a video here of Tim explaining it.]
But if you’ve ever seen or heard Tim Hawkins’ comedy on YouTube or in person, you know that he’s anything but a jackwagon. His jokes are clean, insightful, and often hit close to home.
We saw him perform at our church a year or so ago, and probably haven’t laughed that hard for that long since then. While the book isn’t a substitute for hearing him tell the jokes himself, it’s the next best thing. Some of the material was familiar to me, but most of it was new.
Here’s a short clip to warm up your funny bone before reading some excerpts below from the book.
[If you can’t see the video above of “Tim Hawkins on Turning 40”, click here]
Excerpts from Diary of a Jackwagon
On Bible stories we tell children:
“Daddy, I’m scared!”
“Ah, you’ll be fine. Now, grab a brush and paint some screaming people on that rock over there. It’s going to be great. Hey, first go look in your baby sister’s room—I painted the stoning of Stephen. You’re going to love it.”
“Are those birds, Daddy?”
“No, those are glow-in-the-dark locusts coming to get you when the lights go out.”
Nothing like laying a strong biblical foundation for the kids.
When I was first married, I thought all we needed was two pillows on the bed. Obviously, that is not nearly enough. I was shooting way too low. I suppose I was thinking like a human instead of thinking like a woman. But I adjusted and listened to her unspoken needs. Now, we have exactly thirty-seven pillows on our bed and she couldn’t be happier. We don’t even need a mattress anymore. We just have pillows stacked four deep creeping toward the center from the four corners of the box springs.
“Now Timbo, we are praying a hedge of protection around you, buddy. That’s right, mmm hmm. Around you and your whole family.”
A hedge, huh? I don’t mean to complain, but is that really the best you can do? How about praying a thick cement wall with some razor wire on top of that bad boy? A hedge of protection sounds like it is one good pair of clippers away from being removed—and I’m sure the devil’s got a pair of those lying around the old Sheol Shed. . . .
Satan’s minions gather round to bemoan the shrubbery’s impenetrable might. “My greatest weakness is landscaping. How did they know? Move that bush!” End scene.
* Whenever I want to be left alone, I go to the mall and hold a clipboard.
* You “Save the earth” people can go ahead and use one square of toilet paper. I’m gonna keep wrapping it around my hand like a beehive.
* This just in: I heard that scientists are working around the clock in a groundbreaking attempt to engineer a sugar-free Krispy Kreme donut. What’s the point? We have that already. It’s called a bagel. Leave it alone, Donut Man.
On growing older:
My body’s changing in ways they don’t tell you about. As if the first set was not sufficient, I’ve got these new eyebrows growing in. Feels like fiber-optic cable or something growing out of my head. “Honey, have you seen the wire cutters? I’ve got guitar string growing out of my head.”
I think we parents should pool our collective resources and create a new theme park for kids. Instead of Disney World, we’ll call it Third World. We’ll drop them there for a few weeks and see if they don’t come back with a little more perspective. I could just hear their theme song playing through the speakers built into plastered rocks all over the park, “It’s the Third World after all . . .” It would be just like Hunger Games, except with less fun and more violence.
“Daddy, I want a Happy Meal!”
“We’re at Third World. You’ll be happy to get a meal, son.”
“Daddy, is that Snow White and the seven dwarfs?”
“No, that’s a missionary and seven pigmies. Move along.”
“Look, Daddy. It’s Mickey Mouse!”
“No, that’s a giant rat. Run for your life!”
It’s nice to be able to whole-heartedly recommend a book. I can do that with Diary of a Jackwagon. No caveats. No disclaimers. Just pure funny.
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Have you ever watched Tim Hawkins? What do you think? Share in the comments.
My thanks to BookLook Bloggers for the review copy of this book.
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Oh, I love Tim Hawkins! I didn’t know he had written a book. I’ll be sure to get it.
I think you can get your point across much better using humor. I love Christian comedians.
I was so excited when I saw this book because I love Tim Hawkins too. I read enough serious books so having a funny one to end my day with was a real treat! ha.
Great. Absolutely fantastic. Thank you for this post, Lisa!
We all need good belly laughs to keep our life in perspective, right? Tim Hawkins is good for me.
Thanks for a number of smiles. 🙂 I have only seen his youtube videos – haven’t seen him in person yet but would love to some day.
I love Tim Hawkins’ youtube videos too. He cracks me up. Jeff and I love watching the TV show “Last Comic Standing” but you can’t always trust that the material will be family-friendly. But thankfully you can trust Tim Hawkins. Sometimes his jokes may be aimed for adults, but they’re not crude.
Fell in love with Tim several years ago (while we were still in CA). Was lucky enough to see him live there and saw him the first time he was at the Rock here. One of my very favorite comedians!
He is one of my favorites, too. And Michael, Jr. And Henry Cho. 🙂
Hoping to see you soon to sing together with our old Life Talk! Will be a great time of worship, I’m sure.
I’ll be there. Hoping to get Pam and Kirk there as well.
Oh, good! I hope they will come too!
Agreed. He is SO funny! Michael, Jr., is coming to my church next weekend. We’re looking forward to it. Thanks for the review. I knew Tim was funny in video format, but sometimes that doesn’t translate well to print. Your thoughts helped.
Grace and peace to you in Jesus!
You’re right–sometimes somebody can be funny in person but not in print (or vice versa). Tim Hawkins is funny in both, thankfully. I remember looking forward to hearing one of my favorite authors speak a few years ago, and it was so disappointing. Let’s just say he was a great writer. 🙂 (I think his speaking did improve with time though, to his credit. How can one person be great at everything anyway?)
You’ll love Michael, Jr. We saw him in Huntsville a few years ago and he had us in tears too. So funny. Hope you’re doing well, Christina!
😀 very funny! That glaucoma test gag is spot on.
The glaucoma test seems like the craziest test to me. ha. Even though I know it’s coming, it’s still startling every time.
No, don’t know him or of him, but he still managed to make me smile 🙂
If you’re ever in need of a laugh, google some of his youtube videos. 🙂 He always makes me smile.