Tia’s Story of Breaking Free from the Chains of Abuse
In this era when more victims are courageously speaking up about abuse, are we ready to hear them?
For those of us fortunate enough to have not experienced abuse first hand, it’s important for us to listen to those who have.
A Well-Trained Wife
I highly recommend this powerful memoir by Tia Levings to gain a clearer perspective inside the the life of an abused woman in a religious context: A Well-Trained Wife: My Escape from Christian Patriarchy.
As Tia recounts her years of living in a traumatic marriage, we too are drawn into feeling her anxiety, confusion, frustration, sadness, and anger through the stories she shares.
Because I grew up in a religiously and culturally conservative household myself, I recognize some of the theological underpinnings that Tia writes about. While my family was fortunate enough not to be pressured to conform in harmful ways like Tia, in her story I can easily see how one thing can lead to another.
And I have seen how under the worst and strongest influences, women have eventually become trapped in unhealthy relationships, if not also deadly ones.
The Illusion of Safety through Rules
Tia writes that she learned to follow the rules from an early age. The rules were promised to keep her safe.
But when her boyfriend—and soon-to-be husband Allan—justified his temper and abuse by these very same rules, Tia was given this advice by a friend, “Tia. You asked God to bring you someone, and He did. And now your faith is being tested. Did you think God wouldn’t be faithful?”
Tia was told it takes practice to be a submissive wife. And so she complied. But inside she wondered: is marriage supposed to hurt this much?
“I knew I needed more help—books and Bible verses weren’t enough to prevent dents beneath the wallpaper when Allan slammed my head.”
Still she surrendered her will. She gave in again and again to her husband’s rigid demand for control.
- She wasn’t allowed to vote (only Head of Household voting was allowed).
- She couldn’t make a grocery purchase without prior consent.
- She wasn’t to publish a blog post without Allan’s approval (although she did often break this rule).
She even had to call her husband “My lord.” These were the rules of Biblical submission she was taught, rules she was told could bring her joy and fulfillment if she’d let them.
As I read one story after another, I wanted to shout, “Get out, Tia! Now!” at every turn. But as Tia wrote on to explain her mindset each time, she showed that leaving wasn’t as easy from the inside as it looks from the outside.
A Turning Point
Until finally it happened.
“Truth came in a sequence. My children would not survive here. There wasn’t a savior coming. It was up to me to save us. I pushed my hands flat to the floor and rose to make a plan.”
The book remains riveting as she tells of the harrowing night she finally did leave with her four children. And of the days and months afterward, filled with pain and heartache. But also filled with healing.
“Every day it was as if the more I made choices that saved me, the more others showed up to help save me too. The world, actually, was beautiful. . . . The truth was life was full of hurt. But the truth was also we were surrounded by help and hope.”
I won’t reveal all her story here. It’s complex and nuanced. Even her views toward Allan are complicated.
“The betrayal it must have been to turn to what he thought were wise elders and leaders only to be told to toughen up, be a man, lead your home, raise a ruckus, and above all, support the patriarchy. Men in these systems suffered too.”
Yet somehow she survived. And is now thriving. Pick up a copy of A Well-Trained Wife to hear her story.
“The abuses were still wrong. AND I’d grown past feeling locked in time by them. The rules weren’t love. AND I deserve love. It was both/and. Not either/or.”
Share your thoughts in the comments.
My thanks to NetGalley for the
review copy of A Well-Trained Wife
I know it would be so tough to read this one, Lisa, but Tia’s story is so crucial for women in abusive relationships to read. I pray she can inspire others to realize that they can break through.
Blessings!
It was a hard book to read, Martha. I cried often through it. But I agree that it is an important read for both those who relate and those of us who haven’t been through it.
This must be a good read. I will see if I can borrow it from the library. Thank you for sharing.
I hope you’ll be able to find it in your library, Mariama. I had a digital review copy so I got to start on it early. I hope my library will carry it for others to read!
Wow, Lisa! That must have been difficult to read. I grew up in a church somewhat like it. In fact, if we wouldn’t do as the minister or church told us to, we were told we’d go to hell. I’m so grateful God brought Tia out of it and she now shares such a needed testimony. May God bless her and use her book for many. Thank you for being open about abuse, Lisa. Sadly, it’s a taboo subject in many churches. Love and blessings to you!
My church was similar, Trudy. I’ve had to work through some of those harmful things we were taught back then. My heart really aches for those who had to pay even higher prices by living in abusive situations due to some of those teachings. May our world continue to wake up and do whatever is within our power to prevent these things from happening.
Oh my! This sounds like a very riveting book! Thank you for your review, Lisa. I’m putting it on the wish list.
It was definitely a page-turner, Dianna. Tia is a very good storyteller to convey the deep emotions that she felt along the way. It really broke my heart to read the things she endured, but also opened my eyes.
this sounds suffocating! I wonder if this is what it is like in Afghanistan too!
Suffocating is a good word for it, Jean. I got that feeling all through the book that Tia’s life was being squeezed out of her. So thankful that she was eventually able to break free!
Thank you for sharing Tia’s book, Lisa. I’m sure God will bring her story to those who will be encouraged if they are in a similar situation. This reminds me how our stories matter. Tia’s story matters very much to open up the conversation and bring encourage others who may also be going through a similar situation.
Yes, I agree with you so much, Lynn: our stories definitely matter. Again and again they can change how we view a person or a situation. I’m thankful that Tia was brave enough to tell her story; may we all do likewise with our important stories.
Isn’t it so sad how so many women suffer the abuse because staying in an abusive marriage is the ‘right thing to do’. It’s bad enough dealing with the abuse, but the guilt that comes from the fear of going against the Church’s teaching is sometimes harder to bear.
I’ve just marked this on my TBR. Thank you for reading and sharing, Lisa.
For sure, Corinne. My heart breaks for those who endure shame and abuse because they think that’s what they are supposed to do. May stories like Tia’s, and countless others, continue to gain publicity so this abuse can be completely halted one day.
Oh so true; I often want to shout “Leave!”… but it is never, ever that simple. The statistics of domestic abuse victims that make it out successfully and alive are so sad and so grim. This sounds like an incredible memoir.
Exactly, Joanne. From the outside, it often seems so simple: just leave. But from the inside, a person has to sort through a mass of complicated issues before they can make the move to get out. Stories like this remind me of that complexity that we can easily overlook.
Lisa, I was talking about abusive relationships with a close friend this week, and at one point, we stopped mid-sentence and said, ‘Wow, that would be so hard to go through with no outside support.’ I deeply feel for domestic abuse victims. Tia’s story would certainly be tough to read, but at the same time, many can learn from her story. Thank you for sharing your post at The Crazy Little Lovebirds link party #53.
It would definitely be hard. I don’t know how people survive such horrible situations. I hope that Tia’s story will give hope to others who may find themselves in her shoes, and give insight to the rest of us to be a better support to others when we can.
Sounds like a brave and important work. I will definitely look for it.
I found it enlightening to realize that everyone suffers under the patriarchy. That was the subject of Terrence Real’s book, “I Don’t Want To Talk About It.” For me, he illuminated the process by which men become abusive, through the betrayal of their own human vulnerability. And that helped me so much to understand dynamics that had come into play in my own family and my marriage, which needed to be transformed.
I was able to stay in the marriage, but only because my husband woke up to his own need for healing. If that doesn’t happen, women should not feel it’s up to them to be the saviors. I will look forward to learning more of Tia’s story.