Is Forgiveness Required for Healing?
If you were asked, “Is forgiveness required for someone to recover from a trauma?”
You might instinctively answer, “Of course! You can’t fully heal if you don’t forgive.”
But might reality be a bit more nuanced?
In You Don’t Need to Forgive: Trauma Recovery on Your Own Terms, psychotherapist Amanda Ann Gregory delivers a more refined message: forgiveness is not a requirement for healing from trauma.
Instead, Gregory presents forgiveness as a choice—one that shouldn’t be forced, rushed, or assumed. If you or a survivor you know has ever felt pushed to “forgive and forget,” this book can feel quite spacious.
Drawing on research and the lived experiences of survivors (including her own experiences), Gregory dismantles the assumption that forgiveness is a universal milestone in trauma recovery. She emphasizes safety, agency, and emotional processing as the real foundations of healing.
“Forgiveness is not required to recover from trauma, but safety is.”
Granted—and do hear this—Gregory does NOT say that forgiveness is bad. In fact, she still recommends forgiveness as a helpful tool. She just say it’s not necessarily a requirement for recovery.
She sees forgiveness as elective, not obligatory, citing situations where people have healed equally well with or without forgiving their offender.
A Compassionate Reframing of Recovery
Gregory writes that many trauma survivors actually feel alienated when they are pressured to forgive, either for moral or therapeutic reasons. She says this pressure, while often well-meaning, can:
- Undermine recovery
- Encourage unsafe reconciliation
- Shame survivors for having anger, fear, or grief
Obligatory forgiveness can lead to what Gregory calls “cheap forgiveness.”
“Forgiveness in the wake of trauma requires time. Forgiving an offender can take months, years, or a lifetime. Premature forgiveness—also called cheap forgiveness—is when we forgive without going through the emotional processes necessary in order to forgive authentically.”
More holistically, Gregory suggests that forgiveness can instead be one tool among many for trauma recovery.
Key Insights from the Book
1. Trauma Recovery Begins with Safety
- Safety isn’t just about being safe—it’s about feeling safe.
- Trauma disrupts our ability to assess safety accurately.
- No true recovery—or authentic forgiveness—can happen without it.
“You cannot live a fulfilling life when you feel unsafe.”
“Feeling is just as crucial in trauma recovery as being.”
2. Forgiveness Is a Choice, Not a Milestone
- Authentic forgiveness is slow and cannot be rushed.
- Premature forgiveness can cause harm.
- Some survivors never forgive and still fully recover.
“Forgiveness is less something one does and is more something one undergoes.”
“You can experience acceptance without forgiving your offender(s).”
3. Acceptance Can Be Just as Powerful
Gregory introduces acceptance as a legitimate endpoint—or waypoint—in healing:
- Acceptance doesn’t mean condoning harm.
- It means releasing the emotional hold the past has on you.
“Acceptance is not forgiveness… but it is one of the most essential experiences in recovery.”
4. Social Pressures Can Be Damaging
Gregory explores the cultural forces that complicate forgiveness, especially for women:
- Women are often expected to be “good victims”—quiet, forgiving, compliant.
- Forgiveness is sometimes used to silence survivors or rush their healing.
- It can even lead to unsafe reunions with abusers.
“Forgiveness can lead to reconciliation, which may jeopardize a survivor’s safety.”
“Forgiveness is not a substitute for justice, and indeed it is often an obstacle to it.”
5. Emotional Processing Can’t Be Skipped
One of the most practical takeaways is this: you cannot bypass emotional work.
- If forgiveness is used to suppress anger, grief, or fear, those emotions will return.
- Emotional processing is essential—and often longer-lasting than we expect.
“You may have tried to forgive so you could let go of uncomfortable anger… However, you cannot truly relinquish your emotions without first experiencing them.”
Who Should Read This Book
You Don’t Need to Forgive isn’t a book for everyone, but it could prove helpful for:
- Trauma survivors and those working with them
- Friends and family looking to better support survivors
- Anyone reevaluating the role of forgiveness in their healing journey
Gregory’s philosophy of allowing space for unforgiveness is a paradigm shift. It acknowledges the complex reality of trauma recovery and shows there is no one-size-fits-all approach to healing.
Recovery isn’t a hard science; it is full of gray areas. So staying open to questions can also open a wider array of possibilities, forgiving or not.
What are your thoughts on forgiveness? Share in the comments.
Explore more:
My thanks to NetGalley for
the review copy of this book
