Learning to Disagree Better with Mr. T-Shirt Man: One Ripple at a Time

The Moment My Heart Starts Racing

I feel my heart pump faster.
He really just said that?
He actually believes that lie?
Seriously?

An hour earlier, everything had begun beautifully. It was a gorgeous Saturday morning with a surprising number of like-minded people gathering in our small town to celebrate freedom. I came with a few friends and met up with a couple others once we arrived. We were among “our people” and it felt good.

And then he walks up.

We’d been chatting with strangers all morning, but this one feels . . . different.

My energy shifts as I read the message on his T-shirt. Uh-oh. I immediately think he and I believe different facts.

Nonetheless—because I want to be open-minded—a few of us engage when he starts asking questions.

It’s not long before the disagreements surface. He makes a statement; we counter. He doubles down; we counter that.

Back and forth it goes.

It’s not ugly, per se. It’s definitely not violent. From the outside it might even appear civil.

But I find myself getting riled up anyway with Mr. T-Shirt Man. I feel exhausted. I walk away for a few minutes. Others in our group carry on the conversation. They appear calmer than I am.

I can’t stay away for long though. I’m too curious.

The conversation becomes more strained. Eventually, we encourage him to move along because we’re getting nowhere together.

He agrees to leave. I don’t know where he goes next.

But I know where I go . . . .

Finding My Way to Braver Angels

A few weeks later on another Saturday morning, I find myself seated around round tables in a different city.

I’m attending a workshop hosted by Braver Angels, a national cross-partisan organization that specializes in “taking a stand against toxic politics.”

It’s where I need to be now.
(And where I wish I’d been a month earlier before I met Mr. T-Shirt Man.)

Our topic of the day is “Skills for Disagreeing Better.”

Our facilitator guides us through a workbook. He tells us it is possible to have healthy conversations over disagreeable topics.

I want to believe him.

Practicing the Skills: Learning to LAPP

Then comes the role-playing. We practice one-on-one conversations. Taking opposite sides. Turning off our inner debaters.

We try out LAPP:

1. Listen.

Focus on hearing the other person’s view instead of preparing your rebuttal.

2. Acknowledge.

Reflect back what you heard so they know you understood (and are continuing to try to).

3. Pivot.

Ask if they’re open to hearing your perspective, then wait for a verbal yes.

4. Perspective.

Share your view using tools like:

• Using I-statements
• Naming your sources
• Telling a personal story
• Avoiding negative labels
• Mentioning something you agree with

Some of the skills come easily to us; others are difficult.

Better Equipped—and Better Intentioned

By the end of the session, I do feel better equipped. But more importantly, I feel better intentioned.

I don’t want my goal in difficult conversations to be to win, to change someone’s mind to my way of thinking. I’d rather connect—to really see the fellow human being in front of me instead of only noticing the stereotype, regardless of the message they’re wearing outwardly.

Will I ever run into Mr. T-Shirt Man again? Probably not. But if do, I hope the LAPP skills I practiced with Braver Angels will ripple into our conversation.

Maybe next time I could engage with him a little longer. Hear his words a little clearer. And connect with his humanity a little stronger.

Or . . maybe not.

We don’t get to control the outcomes. But we do get to work on our process.
To be better, do better.
One small ripple at a time.

Is it hard for you to have conversations with people on the “other side” of your political position? I’d love to hear in the comments.

If you’re curious about Braver Angels, here is the link to their free e-courses.

Read more:

• Is Politics Hopeless? 5 Ways to Practice Hope in Politics
  Politics can feel hopeless. But here are 5 commitments to make for practicing hope, even in politics. The choice is yours.
• What Your Most Unlikely Friendship Can Teach You
  Loving Violet taught me that compassion means little if it stays only in the heart—it must move through the body, too.
• Are You Listening With Both Your Ears?
  If you want clearer depth perception, including in your relationships, listen in stereo.

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