How to Be a Perfect Christian – Book Review

How to Be a Perfect Christian, The Babylon Bee-2

If you like satire, especially satire pointed at yourself, you’ll love this book.

How to Be a Perfect Christian obviously does NOT tell us how to be a perfect Christian. Instead, it gives us lots of funny examples of ways we trick ourselves into thinking we can become perfect Christians.

For example, in Chapter 2, “Worshipping Like a Pro,” you learn about church swag. (If you’ve ever had a church bulletin riddled with grammatical errors, you’ll appreciate this.)

“Researchers have discovered that every church bulletin in existence contains no less than three hundred spelling or grammar errors. If you find one with less than that, hang on to it—it’s gonna be worth some money someday.”

In the next chapter, “Doing Life Together,” you find a few simple tricks to help you pray in public with your small group.

  • Use the phrase “Father God” like it’s going out of style.
  • Say “just” every other word. . . . Ninety percent of any good prayer is comprised of the three words “just,” “Father,” and “God.”
  • Take on a Puritan persona throughout your prayer.
  • Pray for almost three hours so everyone sees how holy you are.
  • Correct other people’s prayers.
  • Pray two or three times just to keep the group on their toes.
  • Use big, bibley words, even if you don’t understand them.

We internet Christians aren’t left out. Chapter 5, “Looking Really Spiritual Online,” has these pointers.

“So to begin to revitalize your prayer life, you need to learn the biblical practice of posting pictures of yourself during your quiet times with Jesus to every social media channel available.”

To get a really spiritual picture of your open Bible, they suggest you follow the acronym CHAFF.

C—COFFEE

“Make sure you get a cup of tasty joe in your picture. Taking the picture while at a coffee shop even shows that you don’t care if the world knows you’re a Jesus freak. Bonus points, baby!”

H—HASHTAGS

“Hashtag that sucker for maximum reach. We recommend hashtags like #blessed, #amen, #holy, #iambetterthanyou, and #lookeveryoneimreadingmyBible”

A—AUDIENCE

“Don’t forget that you’re doing this for an audience of one million.”

F—FILTER

“A plain-Jane picture of an open Bible never got anyone on the express lane to heaven. You need to use filters to make the image appear deep and spiritual. Apply an authentic vintage look, and you can be sure you’ll get a like from Jesus Himself.”

F—FAT

“As in the size of your Bible. Use a fat, thick, leather-bound study Bible. Make sure to get the gold-embossed title on the spine in the picture, so everyone knows you read your MacArthur Study Bible regularly.”

And so it goes.

This book might make you cringe. Sometimes we need that uncomfortable feeling.

But this book will also make you laugh. We need that, too.

“Now get to work! It’s not easy being perfect.”

* * *

If you want to see the book trailer, watch this.

Book Trailer How to Be a Perfect Christian

My thanks to Net Galley
for the review copy of this book

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