But Today . . . You Are Still Here
I’ve been watching for a sign, hoping for a change. A broken relationship ripples far and deep.
But change hasn’t come. It may never come in the way I hope.
The clock ticks on. I feel the pressure of lost time, every day, every season.
I’m out of options. None of my efforts have borne fruit. I feel like giving up.
We all experience losses. Some of them leave bigger holes than others. For the ones that create another Grand Canyon, pain piles into the pit, filling every empty corner.
In those days, when looking backward makes us sadder for what we no longer have, and looking forward brings tears for what is out of reach, we can only show up in today.
Today I notice my breath, in and out. I feel my fingers still typing. I see words on the screen pouring out of my mind, still working. I have breakfast in my belly, clothes in my closet, a partner by my side.
I have provisions. I have purpose. I have people.
This week I’m rememorizing Matthew 6:30 for the Summer Memory Challenge. Here Jesus is urging his followers to know they are loved, that they are cared for.
“But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?”
I see the grass in my own “field,” the front and back yard greenery that Jeff just mowed. Yesterday it was taller. Today it is shorter. Tomorrow it will inch higher yet again.
It’s never exactly the same two days in a row.
The only day I see it, feel it, smell it, is today.
I don’t know when or if my big loss will be resolved. I can only know that even if this pain lives alongside me the rest of my days, I’m not abandoned. I have love, I have God, I have grace.
Like the grass of the field, I’m here today. And on some tomorrow, I’ll be gone. Just like everybody else.
But today. Today. On this day in July of 2023, on this chair in this living room on this patch of earth, I’m still breathing, still thinking, still typing. I still matter. So do you.
And we always will.
Share your thoughts in the comments.
Lisa, I am so sorry for this pain. I am glad you can feel loved and not abandoned by God, that is so essential. I still pray that your patience will one day bear fruit, as it surely does, although we may not even see it in this lifetime.
We have today, this moment. Jesus teaches to not worry about tomorrow. Yet, I still fall into grasping for control of what is out of my control. What I can control is loving God, loving myself by caring for self well, and love others. May you be caring for yourself well today, Lisa!
I’m sad to hear of this deep relationship loss, Lisa, and join you in prayer for reconciliation and restoration of hearts. In the meantime, may the Lord’s grace abound to you, and may His peace guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus.
So sorry to hear that you are going through tough times, Lisa. Sometimes all we can do, or should do, is to embrace our days one moment at a time. May God bring you peace and comfort in all the days yet to unfold.
Oh precious one. Such deep pain. Such grievous loss. Such an empty place. Such a big God. I’m praying He will fill this wrenching vacuum with Himself–His. Very. Self. May He so fill you with His love, peace, and presence that you cannot possibly contain it. And in knowing He is in and with you, you ALWAYS HAVE HOPE. And I believe this hope will not disappoint. I’ve a friend with a similar loss and I’m praying for you both that God will do a new and miraculous thing and you will stand in amazement, awe, and gratitude that He has done the impossible. And it is to you, but NOT to Him! ALL THINGS–THE MOST IMPOSSIBLE THINGS–ARE POSSIBLE TO HIM, BECAUSE HE. IS. GOD.
Sending so much love
xo
Lynni
My heart breaks for you, dear Lisa. I have been hoping there was healing in that broken relationship. There are no words I can say to ease the pain, but I will keep praying to the God who can. Yes, you still matter and you always will. Thank you for being vulnerable and making others feel less alone. Love and blessings of strength for each moment!
Lisa, I am sorry you are going through the loss of a friend. I hope your friendship is restored. God knows how much you love your friend.
I’m just thankful for God’s grace today and for people like you who keep reminding me that I have it. It’s important work you are going. Thank you.
Oh, Lisa, all I can find to say is, “Yes. Yes and thank you for putting this into words.”
Wow, Lisa. This is powerful, and this last part brought tears to my eyes: “But today. Today. On this day in July of 2023, on this chair in this living room on this patch of earth, I’m still breathing, still thinking, still typing. I still matter. So do you.” Praying for your loss.
Lisa, how well I know the sadness you speak of regarding broken relationships. I am deeply sorry for your sorrow. The Lord has often reminded me when in that hopeless place, that He does His best work in the dark.
We cannot truly see or know if our efforts are bearing fruit, as the child formed in the womb, the work is done in secret until the appointed day. Hold fast to Him, He always heals. Be assured if the relationship cannot be healed on earth, it will be healed in heaven.
My heart hurts so much for you for this loss and pain. It’s so hard, especially when the wait is a long haul. Praying God will work “behind the scenes” to protect your loved one, draw them in, open eyes, and remind of truth. I pray and hope for a glorious reconciliation some day.
Oh, dear Lisa. I’m so sorry. I think of you so often. Sometimes there are no words for sorrow this deep. Please know I am trusting God with you and for you.
xo
Beautifully written, expressing pain, allowing us to feel it with you, hopefully helping you carry this. ARen’t we blessed to be able to put together letters into words into meanings, articulating life. Lots of love!
Lisa, I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. Broken relationships are so difficult to navigate. At times, we can do all that we can and yet, they still remain broken. May we leave it all in the hands of our God, and keep praying. {{hugs}}
Lisa, my heart feels your heart as we travel our similar roads.
{{hugs}} & Blessings
xo
So beautifully written and so powerful.
Dear Lisa,
I’m praying for and grieving with you as I type this. My heart hurts for you, friend.
In His love,
Tammy
I’m so sorry for the pain you are going through, Lisa, but I appreciate you sharing these reflections in the midst of it. My mind is far too quick to jump ahead to tomorrow, worrying about how things will turn out or thinking of what I want to happen. It definitely helps to slow down and focus on today, to know God with us in this moment, caring for us whatever challenges we face.
Lisa,
Your 2022 word “Release” and your writing of this broken relationship have made me think of this book and you many times this past year. Tonight I feel strongly impressed to share the title with you. I would dare to say it has been a Top Ten book in its influence on my life. May it, if you feel impressed to read it, bring you some sense of comfort… I continue to lift you and this relationship up in prayer…
Contentment: A Way to True Happiness
by Robert A Johnson & Jerry M Ruhl
Warmly,
Carla
Someone’s Top Ten book will always get my attention. 🙂 Thanks for sharing about this book, Carla. I’m going to look it up.