“I’m not sure”—Is That Compassionate?
Embrace Uncertainty for Greater Compassion
“I began to notice how seldom we ‘make place for the other’ in social interaction. . . . Western society is highly opinionated.”
– Karen Armstrong
Is there a connection between knowing you’re always right and being unsympathetic?
And its converse? Are those who realize they could be wrong likely to be more compassionate?
I’m curious about it. I wonder if it’s so.
Because sometimes, from where I sit anyway, it seems to be true: that people who are most sure of their position are often the harshest ones. And people who accept their potential to be wrong are the ones more likely to give grace to others.
But I could be wrong. . . .
In Karen Armstrong’s book, Twelve Steps to a Compassionate Life, Armstrong suggests these three exercises to grow in compassion.
1. Appreciate the unknowable
Armstrong suggests participating daily in an experience that touches you deeply beyond words. What brings you awe? What captures your sense of wonder? One example for me is the awe I feel when I see unusual displays of kindness. Seeing humans treat other humans with exceptional respect and dignity makes me truly realize there’s much I still don’t understand about the depth of goodness in our humanity.
2. Become sensitive to overconfidence
You probably know someone in your life who thinks they know everything. (And if not, turn on the news; you’ll find talking heads who think they know it all.) Do we try too hard to win arguments? Are we too reluctant to admit, “I don’t know”? Would we be wise to occasionally play devil’s advocate against our own views to uncover blind spots?
3. Notice the mystery of each person
Be mindful of the beautiful mystery of each person in your day. Think about what you specifically love about your partner or close friend. And then about yourself. What makes you different from everyone else? Do you value the mystery of each person?
Another book that touches deeply on this message is Kathryn Schulz’s amazing book, Being Wrong (it’s messing with me, I tell you). She reminds me that even as I seek Truth, the deceptive allure of certainty is hard at work pulling me in the opposite direction of Love.
“Just as our love of being right is best understood as a fear of being wrong, our attraction to certainty is best understood as an aversion to uncertainty.”
– Kathryn Schulz
How little we know.
May we make peace with it so we can learn more.
And open up space for more love, more grace, and more compassion.
* * *
Has being wrong ever taught you to be more compassionate? Who in your life is a compassionate person? I want to hear.
Read more:
- Discovering Life’s Wisdom – 4 Key Takeaways on Being Human
- Let Go of Being Right – When Being Right Is Wrong (and Dangerous)
- Being Wrong
- Practicing the Art of Curiosity and Conversations
- Life After Doom: A Journey of Hope Amid Climate Chaos
Being wrong could be the story of my life. As much as I hate being wrong or messing up, it has chipped away some harshness and pehaps given me more compassion for others who might be wrong or make mistakes. A problem that can arise when you’ve been wrong enough in life—you begin to question yourself too much based on your past! The fear of being confident! This sounds like a wonderful journey that you’re on–seeking compassion this year! I would love to learn more about this and will check this out myself. Thanks!
Being wrong has definitely helped refine me too, hopefully for the better. But yes, I see what you’re saying that it also can make use question ourselves too much. I do often wonder what I’m believing now that is “wrong” but I’m just too blind to see. I know those things are there and hopefully will be revealed sooner rather than later, however painful.
It has definitely been an interesting year as God keeps weaving things into my life to give me opportunities to practice compassion. It’s not been easy. ha. The book is a good read with lots of recommendations to go forward with Armstrong’s Charter for Compassion. She has a great TED talk about it.
https://www.ted.com/participate/ted-prize/prize-winning-wishes/charter-for-compassion-karen-armstrong
Yes, Lisa, the pull toward worship and gratitude seems stronger than ever in this season for me. Maybe it’s because His faithfulness is so obvious and steady and bountiful.
This is so thought-provoking here … and it’s good to be back for a visit after a bit of a blog break!
;-}
Glad you’re back, Linda!
I was at a WONDERFUL service last where the worship of and presence of God was so powerful. I love when we have such strong reminders that God IS faithful and so worthy of our praise. It feeds my soul.
“How little we know…” How true. All things of our Father point to humility. Another needed reminder…
I need reminders often of humility myself. Pride trips me up constantly….you’d think I’d have learned by now, but the self always rises again….Thankful for grace and always another opportunity to begin again.
I reread this post twice for all its wisdom. In the first statement I kept thinking mystery so was so glad to see it in the third one. The longer I am on this spiritual journey the more I honor and value mystery and just not knowing and letting go of having to know. Now if I could just let go of controlling too. LOL
I love that we’re so often on the same page, Jean. Two contemplatives for sure. 🙂 I’d love to sit with you over a Krispy Kreme doughnut and swap experiences. Valuing mystery is something I enjoy doing more and more too the further along I go on this spiritual journey.
Oh, Lisa. There’s so much truth here. I sure like to be right, but being wrong can be oh-so humbling. I do think the more we seek God, the softer our hearts become, meaning we can recognize that others could be right. Too often I want to argue (even inside my head or to my husband …) rather than humble myself. Convicting yet encouraging post here.
It’s so hard to fight against that urge to argue, especially when we think we’re right and want to get the truth out there. 🙂 But even when I do happen to be right (it does happen now and again, ha), my attitude about it isn’t always right. It is humbling indeed to see that. I’m grateful for God’s grace to show it to us in the doses we can handle. Thanks for stopping by, Kristin.
I am learning that I have to make room for people to grow in their understanding of God – that I have to allow them where they are – because that’s the starting place for truth. Yes – the more I don’t know, the more compassionate I am. However, I wish that people with totally opposite beliefs could have discussions without condescension! I hate being wrong – but I also recognize that it is a place I can often be found! I can understand how that topic would mess with one’s mind! Hoping you find peace in the message!
Oh, I hear you loud and clear. Making room for others to be where they are–as I want them to allow the same for me–is a lesson I continue to learn, deeper and deeper. My hardest lesson so far is being more tolerant of the intolerant. Ironic.
Yes, Lisa, I do think the willingness to be wrong, or to at least accept the possibility, is a compassionate thing. For it does involve humility, and the willingness to extend grace to another person. In my experience, people who always think they’re right are often quite judgmental. I can’t do that. I’ve made far too many mistakes to point fingers at anyone else.
Jesus’ righteousness is the only *right* that legitimately stands – and yet, He was so very highly compassionate. Not lording his *rightness* over people, but always extending grace to the person first. A good example.
GOD BLESS!
Owning up to our own mistakes is such a giant leap to becoming more compassionate people–you’re so right, Sharon. I’ve made my fair share of messes; I don’t need to judge others for their share. We’re all in this together to find God and Love. Be the first to extend grace–yes, Jesus did that, and we’re to follow his example with our own circles of friends.
Thanks for visiting my blog and your kind comment about Koda 🙂
This sounds like an interesting study on being compassionate. I had a problem a few years ago about wanting to be right, having trouble admitting I was wrong about something, trying to defend my position, right or wrong. I worked on admitting right up front I was wrong and ask for forgiveness if I had hurt someone (often had of course). I like to think I’m more compassionate than I was in the past, before I might have judged someone, now I try to adopt the attitude “they are doing the best with what they have to work with.” I think I’ll always be a work in progress though. Very interesting thoughts to ponder though.
betty
Yes, Betty, we are all still works in progress. And I do love when we can see some of that progress! You have a great attitude of giving the benefit of the doubt to others; most all of us are attempting to do the best we can with what we know now, and when we know better, we’ll do better (I think Maya Angelou said something like that too….). Thanks for sharing your wisdom here.
Dear Lisa
Lovely post (and comments)!
I used to be very fierce and fighty with ideas. Not any more. I’d much rather listen. When someone is speaking sincerely there’s often some truth in what they say, and I’d rather find and embrace that than punish. One danger is that I become intellectually passive or lazy. For that I think I just have to stay curious and challenge myself.
Thank you for your posts. This blog and DoNotDepart are really wonderful for me.
David
I suppose in the circle of life, we hit our most arrogant phase when we’re teenagers, then ideally we begin to discover that we don’t know everything after all, and we make room to learn more again. It’s just that not everybody does that. 🙁 So I’m always refreshed when I come across people who truly do want to listen–and even better–“find and embrace.” Beautifully said, David.
I’m so glad you are encouraged here and at Do Not Depart. I am encouraged at how you make me think more with your questions and insights. Actually it was your question about John 15:7 that started me thinking of this post in the first place. Admitting we can’t always explain what a verse means is liberating and authentic for those of us who’ve grown up with ready answers that only half satisfy. Faith is believing God is good even when I don’t understand.
“Notice the mystery of each person.” I love this one. Far too often, I am busy thinking about what I should say next or do and miss all that the person is communicating to me. I get caught up in the fact that they “must be wrong” and then I hear nothing but my own inner chatter, preparing my “speech!” Yaaaaaaaaaahhhh! Hello! : /
This is a good awakening post for me, Lisa. Glad I came by from SDG.
Caring through Christ, ~ linda
I think we all fall prey to that, Linda, much more than we’re even aware of. 🙁 I know it’s true for me to concentrate more on what *I* want to say next, sometimes so much that I miss what the person is saying in the moment. That can be embarrassing, not to mention rude and unloving. Thanks for visiting today, friend.
I once thought that I too had made a mistake.
But I was mistaken.
Touché. Well-played. 🙂
I was just talking to my husband about aspects of your post…where you mention us being aware of someone trying to change us or us trying to change them…I can count numerous times I have done that to someone! It drives me crazy we people put me in a box because they think they know things about me based on appearance or one comment-so frustrating. We need to let people be mysterious as you said-We really do need to let go of always knowing, let go of that insecurity! Thank you for shedding light on a hard subject. Convicting in a very graceful way! I so appreciate it though!
I’ve been there too–both on the “trying to be changed” side and the “trying to change others” side. Neither is pleasant. 🙁 It’s so hard for us to release the certainty that we know what is best for a person (including ourselves) instead of acknowledging that maybe we do NOT know everything after all. Leave room for mystery; leave room for God. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Dionne.
This is awesome, Lisa. I want to shout.. “YOU ARE SO RIGHT”, because it is here, in the place of compassion, that we realize that many times we are so wrong about too many things. To acknowledge the way that an all-knowing God who came to redeem also met people right where they were and loved them in all their quirks needs to be the anthem we sing if we are following His path. A recent conversation about politics and being able to befriend someone who didn’t agree with a friend shocked me, though it shouldn’t have. What strikes me is that often in the Body of Christ, we are not much different and that makes me sad. I am going to look into this book you mentioned, it sounds wonderful.
Blessings,
Dawn
Yes, God indeed sets the example for meeting people right where they are and using them anyway–even when they aren’t in total agreement with him. Why do we think it should be otherwise with us? We tend to pick out a few select issues to decide if we’re “alike” or not, and if we’re not, we slap on a label and move on. Thankful that God doesn’t do that with us! It is an enlightening book, and one that is meant to prompt action, which I particularly appreciate.
I think parenthood taught me the most about how wrong all my preconceived notions could be. And I think my own insecurities have made me hold on more tightly to being right than to grace. In recognizing my own inabilities and flaws, I am much more willing to embrace other’s inabilities and flaws.
Ooh, good point, Jen. Parenting definitely proves over and over that we can be and often are wrong. And also how dependent we are upon God’s grace not only for our own souls, but also for the little lives following behind us.
I love this, Lisa. I have learned much about humility through being wrong or admitting to not knowing, and I can’t help but think humility and compassion go hand in hand. One of the biggest, most liberating and unnerving things I’ve learned in this last decade of faith is how to let go of too much confidence in answers, the flexibility to grow and change and take a different shape, or refine the one I have. That it all really boils down to one answer: Jesus. Thank you for this thought-provoking reflection. Joining from Unforced Rhythms.
I love how you think, Amber. We could have some great sit-down spiritual conversations for hours, I can tell.
It’s been so liberating to me as well to realize I don’t have to know all the right answers as long as I’m looking to Jesus. He IS the right answer.
I am loving these posts. Lisa! Today’s was especially insightful — #2 especially.
Thanks for sharing your heart with Thought-Provoking Thursday! I am always so encouraged by your posts.
Thanks, Lyli. I relate to # 2 as well. However, being sensitive to overconfidence in others is much easier for me than detecting it in myself. ha. So that’s what I need to work on for sure.
Your reflection here really made me stop and think about “being right” and “being open” to the needs of others. I believe we get the most out of life when we don’t judge others, but try sincerely to understand why they think the way they do.
Blessings, Lisa!
love those three steps to compassion. so simple and doable. we just need to apply them.
Maybe “I don’t know” is the wisest thing we can say?
I don’t like to admit how clueless I am about some things…
Thank you for sharing the three exercises to grow in compassion. #weekendcoffeeshare
I like the compassionate trait in people. The topic was interesting to read about.
I’m wrong a lot. When I was younger I had the I’m never wrong attitude. But as I mature in Jesus, I know my own understanding stinks. So I run everything by him, test things to see if they like up with Scripture and the like. My decision making is on a whole new level since checking with Jesus. you know this is a really interesting subject and I’m happy you looked into it and shared what you learned with us.
Visiting today from April’s
Thanks, Paula. Learning to ask questions is such a healthy sign of a growing spirituality. Let’s stay curious and keep asking those questions, my friend!
I am okay with saying “I’m not sure” because we really shouldn’t act like we know everything. There are times where I would follow an advice and it didn’t work out and I explain to them why it didn’t work out and then the person gets all defensive saying “what do you mean it didn’t work out? You probably did it wrong…” It dampens the mood. I say it’s okay to admit humility.
Yes to all that you’re saying, Julie! Humility is a wonderful and needed trait. It smooths out a lot of wrinkles in our relationships with others (and within ourselves as well!).