Do You Assume the Best or the Worst? And a Barking Lady
I double-check my notes. I’m on the second floor of my local public library. The call number for the library book is correct. But where is the book? Maybe it has been shelved wrong by mistake.
That’s when I hear the noise.
A loud bark! Directly in my ear.
I jerk around . . . to find a woman brush past me, not a dog, like it sounded.
After barking, she smirks. Then she walks away.
A couple other people come rushing up beside me now. They are clearly disturbed, and ask, “Did that woman just bark at you, too?”
I pause for a split second. I know I have options for my response.
We almost always have options, even when we’re not aware of them.
The Agreements
In 2014, I read a small book of Toltec wisdom by Don Miguel Ruiz called The Four Agreements. (I recommend it.)
Ruiz shares four statements he lives by. They are virtuous and respectful toward all humans. (Read Ruiz’s four agreements here.)
After I finished the book, I tweaked the statements to create my own four agreements for life.
I wrote them on a sticky note and put them on my bedroom mirror. I don’t live them as well as I’d like, but I’m not finished yet.
My first agreement is this:
# 1. Give others the benefit of the doubt.
[Here are all four agreements.
1-Give the benefit of the doubt | 2-Let go of being right | 3-Don’t take it personally | 4-Just show up]
But how? How can we practically give others the benefit of the doubt?
5 Ways to Give the Benefit of the Doubt
1. Create a Better Story
It’s not easy. We’re wired to distrust uncertainty.
So when we don’t know the whole story (which we rarely do), our minds fill in the gaps. And we don’t naturally assume innocent until proven guilty.
Instead of assuming the best, we think:
- My husband must hate my new haircut because he said nothing about it
- My friend just wants to make me mad by bringing up that topic
- The world is against me because I had a flat tire this afternoon
But if we really don’t know, why not create a good story instead of a bad one?
Can’t we assume a positive what-if scenario instead of a negative one?
2. Use the Golden Rule
Would we want others assuming the worst motives about us when we do something they don’t understand? No.
We think they should know us better than that.
We can treat others’ motives the same way we want ours to be treated.
3. Let Go of Self-Protection
Often our cynicism arises because we don’t want to be hurt. We want to protect ourselves by staying on the defensive, not risking pain through naiveté or being caught off guard.
But is being skeptical the best way to live?
No. We will sometimes get hurt by giving others the benefit of the doubt, but more often we’ll create a brighter world, bringing light into darkness instead of spreading even more darkness.
Safety is an illusion. Take chances with love.
4. Forget Revenge
When we sense we’ve been treated unfairly, we can grow stingy with doling out understanding.
But who among us hasn’t received far more compassion at times than we’ve deserved?
By tuning into the kindnesses that we have been given, we can be more compassionate to others too, all things considered.
In everyday situations, when possible, err on the side of grace instead of judgment. It makes for healthier relationships. And happier ones, too.
5. Do It for You
Lastly, we often show the least compassion to ourselves.
Even when we assume the best in others, we may place unrealistic expectations on ourselves. If our bodies get tired or our tongue gets edgy or a relationship turns sour, we may shame ourselves with labels like Lazy or Selfish or Stupid.
Granted, we do need to take responsibility for our actions.
But we also need to give ourselves the benefit of the doubt as well, knowing we tried, that we wanted the best for everyone. Even when you fail, don’t abandon yourself yourself just because you made a mistake
Choose Your Response
Back at the library, instead of causing a ruckus about the barking woman, I choose to let it go. The woman looked homeless and had more important issues to deal with than receiving a lecture from me on keeping reverent silence in the library.
I laugh off the incident alongside the other people who heard the barking, hoping they will let go of their fears that she’ll be waiting outside to harass them.
The woman seemed completely harmless, just coping with life as best she can.
While some people in the world may be out to get us—and yes, let’s be cautious with those!—most of the people in our circles are decent human beings.
Like us, they too are doing the best they can with what they have.
Fill in the gaps with compassion.
And the library barker?
I’m agreeing to assume the best, not the worst, about her, too.
I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt.
* * *
Are you more naturally trusting or skeptical? Please share your thoughts in the comments.
See all 4 agreements (click on individual infographics)
1-Give the benefit of the doubt | 2-Let go of being right | 3-Don’t take it personally | 4-Just show up
revised from the archives
I really love this! I can’t wait to read the other agreements too. Is there a way to print out the image as a bookmark? That’s a keeper!
Thanks, Valerie. You should be able to click on the image to open it in a new page with full resolution or just right click, then print from there. I appreciate your encouragement!
This topic certainly does deserve another post!
And I’m getting hit with this truth as well from my reading of Never Unfriended. Lisa-Jo hits on the importance of giving our friends the benefit of the doubt.
And, by the way: the title for this post is most convicting!
So there’s another reason to read Lisa-Jo’s book. It sounds like an important read. Thanks for sharing, Michele!
Wow this is such a good post. I agree with Michele that this would be so good in a series, if you want to write more on the topic. I know am very guilty of assuming the worst, and the verse that has been really convicting me is from 1 Corinthians 13 that says, ‘Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.’ I think I’m too selfish often, and I don’t want to get hurt so I don’t assume the best about others, but thank you for this exhortation in God’s Word. And i’m so thankful that God marvelously heals and restores even when we do get hurt.
Thanks, Emily. Keeping no record of wrongs from the past would definitely help us give others the benefit of the doubt in the present. Bearing, believing, hoping…all these things point us to loving each other better.
What a great title! Who doesn’t want to find out about a “barking lady”! 🙂 You are so right about “believing the best.” I think that’s what Paul meant when he said, “love believes all things” in 1 Cor. 13. Thanks for reminding us just how important that is. It’s all to easy to assume the worst! Blessings!
I agree, Donna. I looked up 1 Corinthians 13:7 in other versions, and really like how ERV phrases it: “Love never gives up on people. It never stops trusting, never loses hope, and never quits.” I think that’s definitely giving someone the benefit of the doubt. Granted, there are times we use good judgment in NOT trusting someone that has proven untrustworthy, but that’s a different thing.
wow this has got to be one of my favorite posts from you. What wisdom and perfect example. Love the infographic too. Practical and I was going to say easy but in reality will still be a challenge to complete but will work on it. Love the sentence: God fills in the gaps with his grace.
Thanks, Jean. It does sound so simple, yes? Just have more faith in people. But definitely easier said than done, I agree.
The Lord was just convicting me recently that I need to give some people the benefit of the doubt, and here I land on this great post!
Thanks for sharing these great insights!
I especially like the golden rule advice, and the statement that we should err on the side of grace.
I’m glad you got confirmation of that message, Ruth. I really appreciate the work of repetition to get a message through to me. Sometimes it takes many times and many sources for me to really hear it. 🙂
I assume the best and it always gets me in trouble. haha.
Thanks for this reminder. I think the world would be a better place if we give each other the benefit of the doubt and not abuse that in return.
Sometimes assuming the best does get us into trouble, but I’m sure your friends appreciate that you do that for them, Lux. It’s a true gift.
I try to do this although I think I need more practice! It’s amazing how our first response can be so different if we just step back and give grace!!
Jodie
http://www.jtouchofstyle.com
#raralinkup
Yes, that moment of stepping back, breathing in a new response instead of going with our first response, can make all the difference! I need more practice, too, Jodie. I’m sure we’ll continue getting plenty of opportunities to practice. 🙂
More often than not I assume the best of others. It is my personality. I know the barking lady would have startled me and it would take me time to process what that was all about. Giving the benefit of the doubt is not hard but since we are creatures who love to be right we might not take the time to do that. I am looking forward to next Monday. Blessings!
You (and your friends) are blessed that this comes naturally to you, Mary. I know I appreciate when people give me the benefit of the doubt, and how hurt I can be when they don’t. Hope you have a blessed week, friend!
I would have figured the lady was undergoing some sort of weird initiation or joke, like going to an armourer and asking for a few packages of headspace. (Headspace is the ‘fit’ of a cartridge in the firing chamber, and on weapons with changeable barrels, like a 30-cal MG, it’s adjusted on assembly. If you’re ever changing the barrel on a thirty, screw it all the way in, then back it out two turns, and your headspace should be pretty close.)
Normally I assume the best, but make provision for the worst based on past experience with an individual or situation.I try to to let this make me seem either guarded or skeptical, because I truly believe that folks want to do their best.
Okay, you lost me there with the gun talk, Andrew. ha. But I know you know what you’re talking about it, so I believe you. 🙂 And you’re also right that we do have to weigh the situation; sometimes assuming the best may mean preparing for the worst based on past experiences.
Whoa! Super important topic! I think I have improved about not assuming the worst, but it can sometimes still creep in and with it a host of judgments I would prefer not to own. Thanks for this significant post and powerful truths!
Yes, I find that I can easily slip into being judgmental too. 🙁 It’s something I want to leave behind. Little by little we’ll get there!
sadly, i tend to be a glass-half-empty person. the good news is that i’m quicker to spy it now than back in the day.
what a drag we can be when we’re constantly on the edge of disappointment. may God continue to remind us how very very good He has been …
I think there are some key traits in each of our personalities that we can’t ever shake off totally, but like you, as long as we recognize them quicker and quicker, we’re making progress!
Lisa, I love this! After the shock of being barked at, you gave the benefit of the doubt. You were an excellent Christian witness to the people around you. Libraries are full of searching people, and you were a light to them. Even the check out clerk could have seen your witness and been encouraged to grow closer to the Lord. I often think about the clerks when I go to the library. They see all the Christian books I check out, so I want to show the love. You demonstrated exactly what Christ represented- love and grace.
Also, thank you for taking time to stop by my blog. Bless you for this post and your encouragement to others.
Thanks, Erin. It’s funny now that I can go in and out of the library sometimes never having an interaction with anybody because we have self-checkout now. It’s a loss in many ways. Our public library is particularly full of all kinds of people. It’s a hub for many in our homeless community to come sit in comfort for awhile or use internet or read books. I usually run into someone that I know hanging out there, but the barking lady was new to me. 🙂
Lisa, I thought of your post yesterday. I sat for over two hours getting my hair done, while reading a Christian book. The hairdressers know my beliefs and I always read a Christian book. When I was done, I looked terrible. The new hairstyle aged me by ten years. But, I remembered your post and decided to pay and leave, showing God’s love all the way 🙂
This made me laugh, Erin. I almost always feel I look worse after I leave the hairdresser than before. ha. I can’t wait to get home and wash it out and redo it my own way. But how gracious you were to show love there anyway! And I’m sure you look marvelous after all. 🙂
Lisa,
As the old saying goes….”Assuming makes an A__ out of you and me.” I’m getting better at not assuming until I hear both sides of a story or argument. How often, I’ve found, I’ve been wrong in my assumptions. Learning, in my old age, the true benefit of giving others the benefit of the doubt. It truly is a gift to self….but aren’t all of God’s commands, when followed, truly a gift to ourselves?? Great post!
Blessings,
Bev
Excellent point, Bev. Treating others well brings joy all around. Lessons we keep learning!
This is a great post, Lisa! Generally I think I do naturally assume the best of people but self-protection does kick in at times and I might take a while to trust people on a deeper level.
I love your point about creating a better story and thinking of a positive what-if scenario rather than a negative one.
Thanks, Lesley. I think I grew up for many years being more skeptical of people rather than trusting. At least of some people. But thankfully I’ve been changing that negativity the past several years and it is SO much more freeing. I still have work to do on thinking more positive what-if scenarios in general though….
The story of the lady barker had me laughing. Sounds like something that would happen to me. Great reasons you outlined for giving others the benefit of the doubt. We also sleep better at night because we are not obsessing and worrying about why someone did something. Your title totally drew me in. Who doesn’t want to hear about a barking lady?
Thanks, Theresa. I was actually at the library again yesterday but I didn’t see the barking lady. Or hear her. 🙂 God bless her path! Who knows what the future holds for any of us. So I want to learn to give the benefit of the doubt to others because I need them to give me the same. Thanks for stopping by.
Excellent post! I was really challenged with the thought of writing a new story – especially when my instinct is to think the worst.
What a difference it can make to write a new story, yes? I think of times when I’ve jumped to a wrong conclusion and caused myself undue stress. May we find wisdom and use it well. Thanks, Julia.
Brilliant!
And the Barking lady? 😛
Well we will assume the best anyway..
Bu is is better to give benefit of doubt. I pinned the beautiful illustration.
Thanks Lisa.
Thanks, Ifeoma. Maybe another time I’ll be able to have a conversation with the lady and hear her story. I’m sure it would be an interesting and enlightening one.
Such great thoughts and really the way we, as humans, ought to live. It’s funny how we tend to assume so much, but in most cases, we haven’t even communicated properly with the other person. That’s one thing that I’ve really been working on, to communicate with others before assuming.
“communicate before assuming” – That’s a beautiful goal, Rosanna. Can we even imagine what a difference that could make if we all took that position? I know I would appreciate being on the receiving end of that as well.
Great, thought provoking post full of wisdom I certainly needed to hear. Thank you!
Thanks, Debbie. Life throws so many weird things our way. I know my eyes are too often closed and need to be opened. I’m grateful we have the Spirit living in us to help us pay attention.
Nice job, Lisa. Love this post and the wisdom in it. It points to humility. The older I get the more I come to believe it’s the most beautiful of God’s traits in us.
Pride makes it impossible to pull off any of those things. Pride is uglier and nastier than a barking dog… or lady.
Maybe she needed someone to rub behind her ears…
ha. She might have appreciated that, Floyd, but I’m not there yet. 🙂 I still have lots of room to grow in humility. Thanks for pointing me that direction time and again; I need and love the reminders.
Lisa, This is a great reminder! I’ve been writing and thinking about giving grace. For true that we need to assume the best in others. I’m looking forward to your other posts in this series.
Thanks, Leslie. This is definitely one way to give grace. What a blessing you are to be finding more ways to do that yourself! Everyone is blessed when we send more grace into our world.
These are tough to do, but we can work on instilling them into our heart. I jump to the wrong conclusion sometimes, but I can learn to step back and try to see it from another angle!
I think we often jump to the wrong conclusion from time to time. But having the ability to pause and look again is invaluable! That’s a blessing, Sarah. I want to grow in that more and more, too.
Love this, Lisa!!!!!
Thanks, Lyli. We can never predict our lessons, right? 🙂
Lisa,
This time I’m linking up from #FaithnFriends and I’m still loving your heart for unity. This post is again such wise advice for relationships.
Be Blessed & Refreshed today knowing your writing is encouraging others to love and live better!
~Sherry Stahl
xoxo
You have leave such encouraging words, Sherry. I appreciate your heart!
Dear Lisa
Nice graphic!
I am getting better at #3 and #5 since I’ve been thinking of myself as a
Christian. I can’t really understand why or how that should work, but I have to
admit it’s true. I relate to myself in a different way.
A public library is a great place to meet and get to know the “great unwashed”. I
often take the bus into town. Many similar encounters.
David
I don’t always understand how it works either, David. I’m just grateful when it does. And showing grace to ourselves is often the last lesson for many of us, for some reason. I’m imagining your buses are indeed equivalent gathering places for all humanity, similar to my library. Blessings to you, friend.
Loved this, Lisa! And the infographic is fantastic! I ran across it just the other day on Pinterest and I think it is in line to pinned on my boards. I’ll double check just to be sure!
I appreciate you pinning this. Thanks for sharing, Leslie.
If you only knew how timely this is for me right now, dear Lisa! Thank you for being an instrument of God’s grace to me today. xx
Oh, I’m glad to hear this came at an apt moment for you, Dianna! I pulled it from the archives because giving others the benefit of the doubt is a practice I need to remember to do, again and again.
I tend to be positive to a fault, Lisa. Because of that tendency, I’m sort of a Pollyanna, sometimes not seeing things or people as they truly are. However, treating others as I would like to be treated is the best approach to life. Blessings!
I’m sure you’re very pleasant to be around if you keep a positive attitude, Martha. 🙂 That’s definitely preferable to someone who is the opposite and always sees the worst.
This is so excellent, Lisa! This is especially important, I think, because if you assign a negative motive to something/someone, you can never take it back. If that person knows about it, it’s a little chink in the chiseling away of trust. These perspectives are so important to remember. I am an odd mix of giving everyone the benefit of the doubt and also jumping to conclusions with certain people. ha I am Pinning this post to save and share it. 🙂 And making a few notes for myself! Visiting from The Crazy Little Lovebirds linkup.
It is interesting how we are quicker to give some people the benefit of the doubt than others. Maybe experience has taught us that some people are more trustworthy and have earned that benefit. Jumping to conclusions is something I have to fight against because it can come so easily. Our brains like to take the easy way out. 🙂 But it usually pays to take a pause and think twice.
I definitely try to give the benefit of the doubt first… but I have found my success rate seems predetermined by my own mood and the things I’M dealing with in my life. When I’m feeling really stressed and almost like life is out to get me I am much less likely to be successful in assuming the best and giving the benefit of the doubt but when life is going well and I’m happy I find it rather easy to do so.
Yes, yes, yes. My ability to give the benefit of the doubt often depends on my own resilience in the moment. I had a night this week that all my self-discipline went out the window. I wasn’t giving myself the benefit of the doubt that night either. ha. I don’t know that it comes naturally to me, but I want to keep practicing it enough that it does.
Tourette syndrome? Everyone has a story to tell. Unless we’re a mouse in the corner, we just don’t know. And that’s what I need to rest in – not knowing.
I hadn’t thought of Tourette syndrome, but that could definitely be a possibility. We just never know. I want to rest in the not knowing too. Thanks for sharing that nugget, Mona.
A barking lady wouldn’t surprise me that much after working in a library for 40 years.
Back to the topic, though. Actually Joanne has already said exactly what I thought.
lol. I bet you’ve seen it all. Just as a library visitor I’ve seen quite a lot, so I can’t even imagine how much you saw working there for 40 years! And thank you for that – libraries are among my favorite places and they wouldn’t happen without librarians. 🙂
Lisa, your post is very thought-provoking and has prompted me to reflect on how I respond to different situations. I’ve realized the importance of giving others the benefit of the doubt. I’ll be featuring your post this Friday.
This practice is one I want to be intentional with, but often I forget. I definitely like it when others give ME the benefit of the doubt. 🙂 Thanks for the feature, Stephanie.
Lisa, great post and idea. I am going to share this with my Bible study ladies and see what they come up with. Also, I am going to join your one word in March challenge with the word, Create. My heart wants to create a attitude of gratefulness and wisdom. Blessings
Thanks, Betty. Let me know what your Bible study ladies come up with. I love that you’re challenging yourself with Create. Such a powerful word and your choice to pair it with gratefulness and wisdom is sure to make an impact! ❤️
Great post!
wow what wisdom! Your statement act like anchors or lights to guide you. One of my mantras is Forgive Often. Challenging but like yours often gives us the strength to chose the most loving way to handle whatever comes our way.
Now that I think of it I don’t think I’m a naturally trusting person. I do try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I probably wouldn’t have said anything if someone barked at me either. I would probably been to taken aback and at a loss of words. But I see what you’re saying here.
Thanks so much for sharing with Sweet Tea & Friends this month dear friend.