The New Word That Changed How I Think About Grief
I waited one more minute after knocking on her door before walking away.
My patience was rewarded; she opened the door. But I could see immediately that something was wrong. Her eyes were red. She had been crying.
We talked about it.
She had recently passed the 1-year anniversary of her dad’s sudden death. Then Father’s Day hit. Next would be his birthday in July. One wave of grief after another.
And yes, she’s an adult. She had her father for many years. She has kids and grandkids now of her own.
But the ache remains. She still misses her dad.
The Myth of Closure
We often assume that when life follows its expected course—children burying parents and not the other way around—that there will be a natural sense of closure. A neatly-tied ribbon around our grief.
But if you’ve experienced a significant loss, you probably already know; even when things go as “planned,” you still may not have closure.
I’ve experienced enough losses of my own to know that some wounds never close.
And maybe they shouldn’t?
Introducing Openture
I’ve recently learned a new word (even though it’s been around for 20 years). It’s helping me make peace with a lack of closure in my own situations.
It’s openture.
Coined by psychologist Paul Pearsall, openture is the opposite of closure. It’s defined as “refraining from seeking a resolution or ending for an emotionally difficult experience.”
I read more about it in Oliver Burkeman’s wonderful book The Antidote:
“We spend too much of our lives seeking ‘closure.’ . . . What we need more of, instead, is ‘openture’ . . . embracing imperfection and easing up on the search for neat solutions.”
Openture asks us to stay present with what’s unresolved. To hold the tension. To stop racing toward a finish line that can’t be reached.
Letting the Ripples Continue
As I wrestle this year with my One Word Ripple, I’m learning that keeping the door open also keeps the ripples moving.
But if I force closure, I might also force a premature ending to something that needs to flow a bit farther.
As I walked away from the conversation with my friend, I knew I hadn’t said anything profound or insightful. I had mainly listened. To her sadness and to her love.
But by her leaving the door open for grief to pass back and forth, she was also keeping her heart open to treasured memories with her dad.
Paula Boss writes in The Myth of Closure (I’ve read half of the book so far and it’s good!):
“You’ll never be completely over the loss of someone you have loved. There is no closure, nor is there a need for it.
Instead, we remember them and learn to live with the ambiguity of absence and presence. You know they’re gone, but you keep them present in your heart and mind—even as you move forward with your life.”
Maybe that’s where we find the truest healing: not in closing things up, but having courage to keep them open.
You’ve heard of closure, but “openture”? When have you stopped seeking closure and just let things ripple on? Share in the comments.
A woman once said after the death of her brother – I have a place in my heart for him & I go there when I need to. So true that we never “get over” the death of someone close to us; we “just” learn to live with the fact of the death & the absence of that someone in our life
I had never heard this term before, Lisa, but it makes such perfect sense to me. I’ve lost so many precious people in my life, and although the urgent grief may subside, it truly doesn’t do any good to think you have to close a door on sweet memories or shed tears because something that happens reminds you of how much those loved ones meant to you. Simply beautiful!
I have not heard that word openture before. This is a good time for me to read this as our friend suddenly lost his father last week and we have talked with him a bit about how his children are processing the loss of their beloved grandfather. Hopefully, I can share this with him.
I hadn’t heard that word either. Thank you for sharing this.
Lisa, I’ve not heard of the word before, but, oh, how it makes sense! I wish I’d known it when my dad passed away in 1982. Those first few years after his death were brutal for me…he was my hero. As I read down over your post, other things that are in my life currently came to mind and rather than trying to get rid of the hurt and grief that they have been causing me, I will now begin to look at them through an open door, with a desire to see what it is that God has in store in these particular circumstances. Thanks, Friend!
Love this, Lisa!
Thank you, Lisa.
Against my will, I’m learning a lot about suffering well alongside someone who is suffering a lifetime debilitating disease. And I’m learning more about grief than I ever wanted to know.
I appreciate this post and this new word in my vocabulary because I find myself pushing hard for solutions because I don’t want to sit in the suffering.
Thank you for sharing this…
Lisa, this is beautiful! I’ve not heard of openture before but it really makes sense. I pinned your article so I can reference when I need to.
Visiting today from Joanne’s.
xo
There is my word again – courage! and no never heard of your new word. I have to read this book you mention for my word of the year and my work in grief too. Thanks for this great post and resource today
Hi Lisa,
You amy find the following info interesting;
“Closure” in the history of Psychology is a newer concept, it was coined by Gestalt in the mid twentieth century who argued that the brain looks for patterns & in those patterns there must be a conclusion, ending or closure. Popular culture at the time ran with this & it has become embedded in western culture’s beliefs about grief.
However, when this is applied to Grief, as popular culture does, it doesn’t work. I agree with the following quote;
“You’ll never be completely over the loss of someone you have loved. There is no closure, nor is there a need for it.
Instead, we remember them and learn to live with the ambiguity of absence and presence. You know they’re gone, but you keep them present in your heart and mind—even as you move forward with your life.”
As a Clinical professional Grief becomes problematic when the person in grief can not move forward & it is interfering with their normal daily life, months or even years later. As this signal’s that there may be other concerns at play.
Blessings, Jennifer
“openture”
Scribbling the word in my planner too for future reference.
I have a huge 3-ish tendency to rush to closure—obviously, it’s so much more efficient! There’s so much we can learn by remaining open to possibilities.
I love gaining new vocabulary. Openture gives us permission to feel the feels and process grief in our own way. It hurts my heart when I hear someone say, “Why can’t she move on? ” We should never judge someone else’s process. Only God can do that.
Stopping by from the July One Word Link-up.