“Yes, the mind is very useful, but when it does not recognize its own finite viewpoint, it is also useless.”
– Richard Rohr

When We Think We Know

It was mid-day on a Friday. Jeff and I finished touring inside the Mid-America All-Indian Center in Wichita, looking at the pottery and drums and Native artwork by Blackbear Bosin.

Now we’d walk the grounds of the Outdoor Learning Center to sit in the tipi and look at the gardens. The afternoon was pleasant. We kept walking.

We left the Center’s property, walked beyond the gate to nearby Keeper Plaza to see Bosin’s famous Keeper of the Plains statue. Time slipped away.

It was now after 4:00, the Center’s closing time.

Behind us, a Center employee was about to lock the gate behind us. We quickly slipped back inside the Center grounds so we could return to our truck.

But which way now? With the Center closed, and the grounds gate now locked, how could we get back to the parking lot?

Oh, I knew the way. Jeff didn’t agree, but he didn’t argue (he’s good like that). Let’s just go to the right, I said.

But I was wrong.

I just don’t always know right away that I’m wrong.

Thinking we’re always right can be dangerous. I know. It’s gotten me in trouble many times.

“We do not see things as they are; we see things as we are. Take that as nearly certain.”
– Richard Rohr

I’ve been sharing four statements that I try to live by. I keep them posted on my bedroom mirror. They are agreements with myself.

Today I’m sharing #2 of the four:

#2. Let go of being right.

(See #1 here, Give the Benefit of the Doubt, “Do You Assume the Best or Worst? And a Barking Lady.”)

Three Dangers of Always Being Right

Danger #1: Losing Friends

Nobody likes a know-it-all. Insisting that we’re right is obnoxious.

Being overconfident in our knowledge is dangerous to our character. And to our relationships.

We incorrectly assume we’ll gain prestige and authority if we are all-knowing. But the opposite usually happens. Pride destroys. It causes us to see ourselves as right and judge others as wrong, which is not just off-putting; it is wrong.

Solution: Practice humility.

Be aware of your ability to get things wrong, even when you think you’re right. Worry less about protecting your reputation and more about being humble. Instead of being combative, listen to others’ opinions and find common ground. If it matters, discuss it graciously. If it doesn’t matter, let it go.

Danger #2: Losing Security

Thinking we have to always be right is also dangerous to our mental and emotional health. When we think we have to be perfect in order to be loved, we live in fear. And we can’t flourish under a spirit of fear.

Nor a spirit of self-dependence. Relying on only our self-knowledge leads us away from engaging with and learning from others, and into a life of loneliness.

Solution: Trust the process.

Not your own perfection. Remember there will always be mysteries you’ll never understand. Trust that you’ll know enough when you need to know it, and be content with the unknowns yet to be revealed later or never at all.

Danger #3: Losing Maturity

While in the moment it feels good to be proven right, the quest to be omniscient can rob us of growth in the long term.

A taste of knowing it all can leave us greedy to be right all the time. And once we think we’ve arrived at perfect knowledge, we lose our ability to learn more.

Solution: Know what you don’t know.

The best way to know more is to realize you know less. Even if you already know a lot, there is always more to learn. But only if you’re teachable. Learn more by listening more, reading more, loving more. Stay open.

Benefits of Not Being Right

Not only do we not like pride in others, neither do they like it in us.

When we let go of our need to be right, we are more respectful of those around us.

• We grows in our relationships,
• in our love,
• and in our knowledge.

Send more compassion into the world with your humility.

It’s better to be more loving than always right.

How did we find our way back to our truck at the Indian Center?

We asked someone who knew.

Thankfully, an outside employee gratefully showed us an unlocked door back into the building. We walked through, out the front door, and straight to the parking lot.

Being “right” had gotten me lost.
But being humble set me free. 

* * *

We all like to be right. But sometimes we don’t do it well.

Do you like to be right, too? Please share your thoughts in the comments.

revised from the archives

See all 4 agreements (click on individual infographics)

1-Give the benefit of the doubt | 2-Let go of being right | 3-Don’t take it personally | 4-Just show up

I double-check my notes. I’m on the second floor of my local public library. The call number for the library book is correct. But where is the book? Maybe it has been shelved wrong by mistake.

That’s when I hear the noise.

A loud bark! Directly in my ear.

I jerk around . . . to find a woman brush past me, not a dog, like it sounded.

After barking, she smirks. Then she walks away.

A couple other people come rushing up beside me now. They are clearly disturbed, and ask, “Did that woman just bark at you, too?”

I pause for a split second. I know I have options for my response.

We almost always have options, even when we’re not aware of them.

The Agreements

In 2014, I read a small book of Toltec wisdom by Don Miguel Ruiz called The Four Agreements. (I recommend it.)

Ruiz shares four statements he lives by. They are virtuous and respectful toward all humans. (Read Ruiz’s four agreements here.)

After I finished the book, I tweaked the statements to create my own four agreements for life.

I wrote them on a sticky note and put them on my bedroom mirror. I don’t live them as well as I’d like, but I’m not finished yet.

My first agreement is this:

# 1. Give others the benefit of the doubt.

[Here are all four agreements.
1-Give the benefit of the doubt | 2-Let go of being right | 3-Don’t take it personally | 4-Just show up]

But how? How can we practically give others the benefit of the doubt?

5 Ways to Give the Benefit of the Doubt

1. Create a Better Story

It’s not easy. We’re wired to distrust uncertainty.

So when we don’t know the whole story (which we rarely do), our minds fill in the gaps. And we don’t naturally assume innocent until proven guilty.

Instead of assuming the best, we think:

• My husband must hate my new haircut because he said nothing about it
• My friend just wants to make me mad by bringing up that topic
• The world is against me because I had a flat tire this afternoon

But if we really don’t know, why not create a good story instead of a bad one?

Can’t we assume a positive what-if scenario instead of a negative one?

2. Use the Golden Rule

Would we want others assuming the worst motives about us when we do something they don’t understand? No.

We think they should know us better than that.

We can treat others’ motives the same way we want ours to be treated.

3. Let Go of Self-Protection

Often our cynicism arises because we don’t want to be hurt. We want to protect ourselves by staying on the defensive, not risking pain through naiveté or being caught off guard.

But is being skeptical the best way to live?

No. We will sometimes get hurt by giving others the benefit of the doubt, but more often we’ll create a brighter world, bringing light into darkness instead of spreading even more darkness.

Safety is an illusion. Take chances with love.

4. Forget Revenge

When we sense we’ve been treated unfairly, we can grow stingy with doling out understanding.

But who among us hasn’t received far more compassion at times than we’ve deserved?

By tuning into the kindnesses that we have been given, we can be more compassionate to others too, all things considered.

In everyday situations, when possible, err on the side of grace instead of judgment. It makes for healthier relationships. And happier ones, too.

5. Do It for You

Lastly, we often show the least compassion to ourselves.

Even when we assume the best in others, we may place unrealistic expectations on ourselves. If our bodies get tired or our tongue gets edgy or a relationship turns sour, we may shame ourselves with labels like Lazy or Selfish or Stupid.

Granted, we do need to take responsibility for our actions.

But we also need to give ourselves the benefit of the doubt as well, knowing we tried, that we wanted the best for everyone. Even when you fail, don’t abandon yourself yourself just because you made a mistake

Choose Your Response

Back at the library, instead of causing a ruckus about the barking woman, I choose to let it go. The woman looked homeless and had more important issues to deal with than receiving a lecture from me on keeping reverent silence in the library.

I laugh off the incident alongside the other people who heard the barking, hoping they will let go of their fears that she’ll be waiting outside to harass them.

The woman seemed completely harmless, just coping with life as best she can.

While some people in the world may be out to get us—and yes, let’s be cautious with those!—most of the people in our circles are decent human beings.

Like us, they too are doing the best they can with what they have.

Fill in the gaps with compassion.

And the library barker?

I’m agreeing to assume the best, not the worst, about her, too.

I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt.

* * *

Are you more naturally trusting or skeptical? Please share your thoughts in the comments.

See all 4 agreements (click on individual infographics)

1-Give the benefit of the doubt | 2-Let go of being right | 3-Don’t take it personally | 4-Just show up

revised from the archives

The Longing for Something Else

Our friend has been wanting to move for a long time.

She’s been unhappy in her neighborhood. Restless. Disturbed. Ready for something quieter, greener, and more spacious. But her options have been limited.

So when she told us last December that a perfect opportunity had opened up, we were excited for her. A friend had offered her an empty room in the country with a beautiful view and calm surroundings.

She was thrilled.

And we were happy for her.

But also heartbroken for ourselves. Because we knew what it likely meant: we would probably never see her again.

The Goodbye That Wasn’t

A few weeks ago, on a Monday afternoon, we said our teary goodbyes. It felt heavy and final. We were grateful for our years-long friendship but already grieving the loss to come.

Then the next Monday, when we went back to her apartment complex, our friend was still there.

And the next Monday.

And the next.

Of course we were thrilled for ourselves. But also confused.

She didn’t offer many details. Just that she was waiting. Making sure. Trying to discern whether it was truly the right move.

And that’s when the real work began for us.

The Hard Work of Staying Quiet

The hard work is not prodding her, encouraging her to make the “right” decision to move while she can.

It would be so easy to:

• Say what we would do
• Point out the obvious benefits
• Tell her she’d be crazy not to take the opportunity

It takes discernment to know when to speak up and when to be quiet. Sometimes our advice is sound and proper to offer.

But in this case, with this friend, our advice is not what she needs. It’s our respect.

She is older than we are. Wiser. A survivor of trials we don’t even know about. She knows her own mind and is fully capable of making her own decisions.

Our advice wouldn’t actually help her.

It would only help us feel helpful.

When Helping Means Stepping Back

Sometimes helping means stepping back.

Sometimes love looks like keeping your two cents in your own pocket.

Sometimes the most generous thing you can offer another person is trust.

Trust that they don’t need your fixing.
Trust that their timing is not yours to control.
Trust that they know what is right for themselves.

I recently came across these words that Parker Palmer published ten years ago. But the sentiments are evergreen:

“Here’s the deal. The human soul doesn’t want to be advised or fixed or saved. It simply wants to be witnessed — to be seen, heard and companioned exactly as it is.

   When we make that kind of deep bow to the soul of a suffering person, our respect reinforces the soul’s healing resources, the only resources that can help the sufferer make it through.”

– Parker Palmer, The Gift of Presence, The Perils of Advice

Witnessing. Not advising.

Therein lies our gift.

If She’s Still There on Monday

So next Monday, when we return to our friend’s neighborhood, if she is still there—still waiting, still discerning, still undecided—I hope we’ll simply be glad to see her again.

No hinting.
No nudging.
No advising, even out of concern.

Just presence. And delight. And the gift of saying, without words, “We trust you.”

And big hugs all around.

A Question for You:

Sometimes our advice is welcomed and needed. Other times, we need to keep our two cents in our own pocket. How do you discern the difference?

I’d love to hear your wisdom in the comments.

I said it again.

“I just don’t understand.”

I’ve said it a lot the past few months.

When situations arise that aren’t clear, our human brains want to find answers.

It’s uncomfortable to not know.

But here I am. You, too.

We may know some things—maybe even a lot of things—but there are far more things we don’t know than things we ever will know.

Even when we live in our light, we have many nights we walk in the dark.

How do we stay safe while walking in the dark?

1. KNOW YOUR SURROUNDINGS

It helps to already be familiar with the terrain. You know the potholes on your daily path. Skirt around them in the dark, too. Be aware of obstacles when possible. Avoid spots you know will cause you trouble.

2. CARRY LIGHT WITH YOU

Even the darkest dark can become illuminated with a little light. Turn on the light of presence in the form of hope. When the darkness threatens to overcome you, light up your hope from the inside.

3. STAY CALM

When the lights go out, you might be tempted to panic. But staying calm leads to wiser decisions. Solutions arise easier from a calm head than a flustered one.

4. REMEMBER IT WON’T ALWAYS BE DARK

Be patient. In confusing circumstances, remember a brighter light will eventually shine again. It won’t always be dark. The sun will rise again as you await another rotation of the earth.

5. DON’T WALK ALONE

It’s comforting to have a friend along when you’re walking in the dark. Stay with your people. Together is better than alone in dark seasons.

Yet Even…

Yet even with the best precautions and preparations, bad things can and do happen in the dark (well, also in the light). There are no guarantees.

Perhaps we have to redefine what “safe” means.

Here’s what it does not mean.

• Safe doesn’t mean we’ll never have pain.
• It doesn’t mean we’re immune from danger.
• It doesn’t mean our bodies will never die.

So what does safe mean in the ultimate sense?

For me, safe means I’ll never walk totally alone. I’ll always be loved. I’ll always be guided. Whether it’s light or it’s dark.

I’m reminding myself of that, even as I say, “I just don’t understand.”

Keep moving forward, dark or not. Keep living, keep loving.

Seeing clearly in the dark isn’t an illusion worth chasing. Seeking clarity can become an idol.

Maybe one day I’ll understand; maybe I won’t.

In the meantime, I hold tightly to others, and to the Spirit inside me.

That’s where my true security rests, in the light and through the dark.

How do you make it through a dark night?

Share your thoughts in the comments.

If you’ve been married one day or 50 years, what do you wish you’d known on your wedding day?

I started with a limp at my and Jeff’s wedding. Not physically, but emotionally.

My first marriage had crashed after a few years when my first husband walked out and found love elsewhere.

I wasn’t sure I would recover.

Through tears and years and more than a few missteps, my heart was finally sewn back together. God’s care was thick, rich, and welcome.

I was okay being alone.

Then God brought Jeff.

On our wedding day, I knew a lot more than I had on my first. I had learned from my first marriage that marriage could bring intense pain, lingering insecurities, and even a touch of cynicism.

But when I married Jeff, I wanted a fresh start. I didn’t want to bring my old baggage into a new relationship.

Through Jeff’s diligent patience and crazy love for me, then and now, I eventually learned more and more to let go of distrust, cynicism, and even fierce independence.

I did know on our wedding day that things would not be perfect. Life had already proven that.

But what I didn’t know was that even in its imperfection, there is a love that would allow me to be more myself, more known, than I ever had been before.

Learning to be vulnerable after being hurt can be a tricky business. You have to relearn again who you can trust. And who you can’t. We often get it wrong and pay a price.

But this time around, even when I didn’t always feel “safe” (I have a strong fear vein, y’all), I was safe.

I didn’t know it then. I know it now. Well, I’m still growing into knowing it more fully, that I can be me. Totally me.

And still be loved. 

What do you wish you had known on your wedding day?

As our featured writer this week, Karen shares 10 things about marriage she wished she had known on Day 1.

Which of Karen’s 10 things resonates most with you? It’s (1) for me. Share in the comments, then add your own links below.

“10 THINGS I WISH I’D KNOWN ON MY WEDDING DAY”
by Karen ‘Girl’ Friday

RELATED:

• 19 Little Things (That Really Are Big Things) in My Marriage
• My Wedding Vow…And I Still Do
• Our (Literal) Hurricane Honeymoon

I’m linking at these blog parties

1. Share 1 or 2 of your most recent CHRISTIAN LIVING posts. (No DIY, crafts, recipes, or inappropriate articles.) All links are randomly sorted.

2. Comment on 1 or 2 other links. Grace & Truth linkup encourages community.   

3. Every host features one entry from the previous week. To be featured, include this button or link back here on your post (mandatory to be featured, but not to participate).

We encourage you to follow our hosts on their blogs or social media.

MAREE DEE – Embracing the Unexpected
Blog | Facebook | Twitter | Instagram | Pinterest

LAUREN SPARKS
Blog | Facebook | Twitter | Instagram | Pinterest

LISA BURGESS – Lisa notes
Blog | Facebook | Twitter | Instagram | Pinterest

Now Let’s Link Up!

I resisted reading Spiritual Depression for awhile because the title sounds, well, depressing.

But the book is anything but depressing. 

The book is actually a collection of sermons that Martyn Lloyd-Jones delivered on consecutive Sunday mornings at Westminster Chapel in response to the need for more joy among Christians. It was originally published in 1965 and has since become a classic among Christian literature.

Enjoy this short excerpt on the connection between joy and knowing God.

: : :

Excerpt from Spiritual Depression: Its Causes and Cure

Man is meant to know God. So the question is: Do you know God?

I am not asking if you believe in God, or if you believe certain things about Him.

To be a Christian is to have eternal life, and as our Lord says in John 17.3: ‘This is life eternal to know Thee the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom Thou hast sent.’

So the test we apply to ourselves is that. Not, `Have I done this or that?’

My test is a positive one: `Do I know God? Is Jesus Christ real to me?’

I am not asking whether you know things about Him but do you know God, are you enjoying God, is God the centre of your life, the soul of your being, the source of your greatest joy? He is meant to be.

He made man in such a way that that was to be the position, that man might dwell in communion with God and enjoy God and walk with God.

You and I are meant to be like that.
– Martyn Lloyd-Jones

: : :

This excerpt originally appeared in the series, 31 Days of Books. Find more excerpts here.

So Many Decisions to Make

How many decisions have you already made today?

Some experts say we make 35,000 decisions every day.

For most of them, we breeze through without even thinking.

But occasionally one choice will paralyze us. We want to pick the God-honoring decision. If we only knew what that was. 

We’re stuck. What to do next?

5 Ways to Improve Your Decisions

Here are five truths from scripture to help us make better choices.

1. Tune out distractions to tune in to God

But [Jesus] would withdraw to desolate places and pray.
Luke 5:16

The world shouts at us all day. The internet, texts, Facebook, music, podcasts—they can all drown out God’s voice.

So first, turn down the volume. Get quiet.

Then revamp your hearing by listening to God for spiritual principles that apply to your dilemma (Romans 12:2). Use reference tools to study Bible verses in full context. Look for God’s character in the stories you read and see how you can best mirror his character through your choices.

2. Seek godly advice from others

Listen to advice and accept instruction, that you may gain wisdom in the future.
Proverbs 19:20

After listening to the Word for yourself, listen to godly people around you. Who has God placed in your life you can consult? Have any of your spiritual friends already walked this path? Is there a mature believer in your family who can advise you?

Seek help also from experts you’ve yet to meet—maybe in person, maybe in print—who can give you additional information.

Look for similar threads in the advice they give. You may have initially overlooked something that they can point out. Be open.

3. Narrow down your choices

What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you?
James 4:1

Do certain choices appeal more to you than to God? Cross out options that are least compatible with your goals. Then circle the options that could bring God the most glory.

Hone in on who you want to be after the decision is made. Use that image of “future you” to help purify your motives in the present.

If certain choices are time-contingent, and the pace seems wrong and out of God’s timing—either too rushed or too prolonged—discard those options as well. While waiting on the Lord may be difficult (Psalm 27:14), he can build up your strength during the wait (Isaiah 40:31). God’s outcomes are worth waiting for.

4. Do something

But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves.
James 1:22

On the other hand, if you’re only waiting because you’re too scared to act, step out in faith and do something (Joshua 1:9).

After seeking God through prayer, Bible study, godly counsel, and appropriate pacing, quit delaying your decision. Just make it! Trust that God is true to his word—if you ask in faith for wisdom, he generously supplies it (James 1:5-6).

God is even more invested than you are in accomplishing his works through you (Philippians 1:6).

5. Give thanks for the results God will bring

The LORD is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to him.
Psalm 28:7

Instead of second-guessing the decision you’ve now made, give thanks for it. Look forward to how God will bless it.

Believe that God will work good out of your choice (Romans 8:28). Even if you mess up, he can redeem it. His grace is big enough. Trade in the pressure for peace; he sends rest for your heart and mind (Philippians 4:6-7).

As you enhance your spiritual sensitivity to God’s guidance, let it grow your confidence in what the Lord does, not just what you do.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.
Proverbs 3:5-6

* * *

What helps you stop wavering and just make the decision? Please share in the comments.

Read more for making better decisions:

• When You Can’t Be 100% Sure
  Don’t be so afraid of being wrong that you do nothing. Even if you make a poor decision, God can work with it.
• Need Help Making Your Decision? Try 10/10/10
  Ask yourself these three questions to both narrow and broaden the time frame of your decision in 10 minutes, 10 months, 10 years.
• How to Make a Better Decision
  Use this WRAP process in Chip and Dan Heath’s book, Decisive: How to Make Better Choices in Life and Work.

revised from the archives
originally posted at Do Not Depart

I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 3:14

They had dreams. Big ones. I could see it in their eyes.

A stream of young men filed down the aisle past our row on the airplane. They each looked strong and hungry. For more.

Their shirt logos revealed the source of their hopes: boxing. Confident and courageous, they had minds set on a dream, somewhere out there.

I think back to my own youth.

On what did I pin my dreams? On a husband? On raising my kids?

What did I want to succeed in, beyond anybody’s wildest imagination? (Certainly not my initial pursuit: a career in accounting.)

And what now? Some dreams are wrecked already (like running a marathon—I hadn’t anticipated a slow-down in my body by this age. Who does?).

With age and with pain, my dreams have shifted. While I can’t do everything I had imagined, I can do other things in other areas that I never imagined in my teens and 20s.

The biggest dream is a deeper relationship with my Maker. That can’t be stopped by arthritic knees or an aching back or reduced energy.

God has no limits and he is the one in charge of fulfilling dreams.

Some of the young men on our flight might fulfill their earthly dreams and become boxers of renowned fame. Others may become distracted or injured or discouraged. Their dreams will shift. By necessity or by choice.

But if they’re wise, they’ll learn to bank their dreams on a Dreammaker who can’t be thwarted by bodies and circumstances and illnesses. And they’ll press on to a higher goal.

Father,
We thank you for giving us dreams and hope.

We praise you for knowing which dreams to fulfill and which ones to let go. May we always trust your wisdom and be grateful for your sovereign plan.

In the end, you make our best dreams come true.

* * *

REVISED FOR THE ARCHIVES
ORIGINALLY POSTED AT Chronic Pain Devotionals

What do you want to know? Are you anxious with uncertainty? Do you find yourself constantly googling to find answers you want, you need, right now?

We all need to continue learning.

But do we cross a line, idolizing our knowledge more than placing our trust in God?

How can we use an informational Sabbath to readjust our faith? Less Google, more God.

Read it all here

* * *

Does your “need to know” ever become unhealthy? Do you ask Siri more things than you ask God?

I’m writing today at Do Not Depart for our #LordoftheSabbath series. Will you join me there?

I had a moment last week.

I’d strained a nerve (literally); the internet was down; our credit card messed up. And I’d gotten a discouraging phone call.

What did I do?

I lay down on the floor and cried.

Is This My Size?

Do you ever question God’s measurements?

Do you wonder if he really knows your perfect fit?

• The perfect fit of blessings
• The perfect fit of trials
• The perfect fit of timings

Sometimes it feels God gives us more than we can bear—either in bad things OR good things (because good things can bring their own bag of temptations, right?).

But no. He promises not to push us past our limits (1 Corinthians 10:13).

He never gives too little to deprive us,
nor too much to lead us astray.

He walks with us through enough—enough to honor his name and to depend on his strength, not our own.

“. . . Don’t make me too rich or too poor—give me only enough food for each day.

“If I have too much, I might deny that I need you, Lord. But if I am too poor, I might steal and bring shame to the name of my God.”
Proverbs 30:8-9 (ERV)

Just Right for Me

I cried for 5 minutes. I knew God heard my my cries. My first-world problems, while painful in their own ways, weren’t lasting issues.

These were tiny problems this time. I was thankful they weren’t big ones. This time it was easier to make the attitude adjustment because the problems were little.

God knew that all along. I’m just slow to catch up.

“It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.”
Lamentations 3:26

God never asks us to walk alone.

• I was walking with a doctor,
• with a friend,
• with my ever-so-patient husband.

And I was walking with the Lord himself, the perfect fit for me. 

Lord,
I want to be content with your perfect measurements. Don’t make me too rich or too poor in anything, if either would lead me away from you. May I be grateful for your perfect fit for me.

And oh yeah, thanks for turning the internet back on. You know my limits.

* * *

For those facing MUCH bigger things today, I ask God to match you with even BIGGER doses of grace.

Share your thoughts in the comments.

updated from the archives

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