As for forgiveness, life has taught me that some things are unforgivable. And perhaps counterintuitively, I was able to make peace with the trauma and move on after I realized this. But I think we are all different.

Thank you, Dianna. You definitely hit one of the nails on the head (there may be many nails in this!) when you talk about the definition of forgiveness. Even that is hard to pin down! But however we explain forgiveness, you’re also right that living in bitterness is definitely not the way to go. Thank you for sharing your personal example of this. I’m sorry that you had to go through having your good name spoken ill of. But glad you found a way to return back to peace. I appreciate your loving ways and tender heart you have as you move through our world!

I’m so appreciative of you chiming in here, Amanda! I love how much your book is making me think. Your title alone was enough to pique my curiosity, and your message inside the book is keeping me reading. I appreciate that you point out we need to listen when someone says “but we need more research” and that’s there just not been enough solid research on forgiveness. This is a courageous book to put out into a culture where the consensus is often that we “must” forgive in every circumstance. “Healing together in the gray” isn’t as popular a message, but I find more reality in it.

I’m glad you and Dr. Luskin agree that forgiveness isn’t beneficial to anyone when it’s forced. I’ve read both his books on forgiveness and I’m actually finding more agreement between the two of you than disagreements (despite the titles of your books, ha). I think he would approve of the section in your book about our typical definitions of forgiveness not even being accurate. I look forward to continuing reading more of what you write in this book!

Oh, Jean, how much I would love to gather with you, sitting around a table with our blogging friends to talk and laugh and ponder these deep things of life! I’m sure I would benefit from your grief course. Such wisdom you impart there, I’m certain!

Always so many things to be thinking about. 🙂 I have to remember to give my brain a break at night! lol.

I understand that you have clearly stated that the debate is about whether or not we can experience full recovery without forgiveness in the picture. Should we try and define forgiveness? How do we do it?

Given the emphasis that Jesus places on forgiveness in the Gospels, I can’t envision that complete recovery could be through any other means than forgiveness. It doesn’t mean that we forget, necessarily. Neither does it mean that we allow ourselves the opportunity to be hurt by the same people again. But I do believe that forgiving the person of their wronging me will free me from bitterness.

An example out of my own life would be from a while back when a couple of family members were constantly stirring up trouble in the family. We were being accused of things that simply were not true, and the accusations hurt deeply. I became filled with bitterness as a result of it all. I became so miserable that it was hard for me to stand myself. I went to Father in prayer and asked Him to help me to forgive these two family members…but ” how do I do it?” I asked. Pray was His answer and I began praying for both of these individuals on a daily basis and one day when I was praying, I realized I no longer held any bitterness toward them.

My brain and my heart both thank you for being brave and putting this out there for us.

PS: I sent an advance copy of You Don’t Need to Forgive to Dr. Luskin, and although we disagree on aspects of forgiveness, he reiterated that we agree that forgiveness that is forced, pressured, or pursued when it’s not in one’s best interest of the forgiver is not beneficial for anyone.