Yes, some of this seems dependent on definitions. “Forgiveness” is tricky to nail down, so there are many different assumptions about what it is and what it is not. The author also includes a chapter in the book on what forgiveness means in different religions around the world, “Recognizing Religious Influences.” In the section on Christianity she mentions what you’re saying here, also pointing out that differences on forgiveness exist within Christianity, too.

She says that forgiveness is a good thing when it happens organically (I hope I’m not misspeaking for her). At the same time she holds space for the timing and degree of forgiveness that a person who has experienced trauma is able/willing to give. It’s complicated and I likely didn’t do the book justice in my review. I’d encourage people to read the book for themselves if they’re interested since it’s hard for me to explain. 🙂

I agree with you, Lynn. There’s no one-fits-all approach to healing from trauma. This book really highlighted that point a lot. From my own real life experiences, I’ve had to learn that forgiveness is definitely a journey, not a one-time thing (much to my dislike!). I’d rather it be a single moment in time and then move on, but even when I have the best of intentions to forgive, I still have to practice it again and again to truly heal from something. Thanks for dropping your wisdom here.

You bring up many good points here. Staying angry about an offense is a painful way to live; it can keep us from moving forward. Acceptance may be difficult, but it is helpful to see reality as it is so we can make wise decisions about the future. And yes, forgiveness doesn’t always mean reconciliation. Sometimes distance is required to keep everyone safe. We often have to live and learn these lessons the hard way!

You’re right, Jean–this book would provide great topics for discussion among a group. I would love to hear others hashing it out because it brings up a lot of valid questions. I always learn more from a book when others are reading and talking about it too.

This was definitely a book that made me think! I like those kinds. 🙂 Sometimes I agree; sometimes I don’t. But I get a little more educated along the way.

I also think it is important to distinguish between letting go of the anger and accepting what happened and letting people continue the behavior. I have forgiven people and I don’t bring up the past with them but I have strong boundaries when we do need to interact so abuse does not continue. It took me a long time to understand boundaries are a huge part of the journey with those who caused the trauma who we may not be able to completely leave behind.